Friday, September 23, 2016

Manipulators and Stalking

Manipulative people do not understand the concept of boundaries. They are relentless in their pursuit of what they want and they have no regard for who gets hurt along the way. ~Unknown

Every time I would begin to write on my blog, my thoughts are consumed by what is going on within my family, and yet every time I begin writing about it.... Well, I just cannot really type out what I wanted. I do not have writer's block, but rather I am blocking my writing. I am stuck in a perpetual loop of wanting to write about what I feel and yet I feel I should not write about it at the same time.

It is wearing.

I am watching as the anxiety my daughter is feeling internally manifests externally into sleeping problems and a skin condition that she had overcame from her anxiety about school last year.

I am often chasing after our new puppy, who has to go out about every hour during the day, chews on anything that happens to be near his mouth and thinks grabbing shoes or socks to play the keep-away game with me is just the funnest game ever...the little dickens. He is a welcomed diversion, but quite demanding of my energy and attention, both in short supply currently.

Also, I am loosing weight unintentionally. It is a very rare thing in my life, which only happened a few times ever. I did fast about a month ago to lose weight, but usually when I am under stress I tend to eat more and gain. This time I am forcing myself to eat and then I usually feel worse afterward. Right now I am at a good healthy weight for me with clothes fitting more comfortably, but how my body is handling it presently feels like as if I am underweight by about ten pounds. I have little energy to spare, I get headaches nearly every day, I do not sleep well, and I get shaky and sometimes lightheaded.

So, even though I have written bits and pieces over the past year with the most recent being Deception and Distrust, which also refers to this last incident, I am going to type about this elephant in the room right out loud here:

I do not understand any parent who thinks her son is just "a learning young man with teenage feelings" after reading through an Instagram Direct Message where her son convinced my daughter, who has a desire and gift for helping people, that she is helping him divert his attention away from his porn addiction because they are "married in the mind" and then he proceeds to try to manipulate her into being his cyberwife on demand KNOWING she is not really understanding what he was doing (because he himself even wrote that she was not "getting it") and then he seals that deal with saying everything between them was ordained by God and moral since they are married in the mind!

My daughter is so trusting and lacking in discernment that when someone tells her God told them or God has given His blessing on anything, she believes them, especially if she trusts the person. Unfortunately, not all people who say such things are worthy of that kind of trust.

When they were talking of hugging and cuddling, my daughter quite literally was thinking of hugging and cuddling, but J-Void (my nickname for him) was thinking something quite beyond that. We had to explain to my daughter what J-Void was actually referring to, because as the boy already knew, she really did not know. She turned white and became sick. When we explained that she had become his "alternative" to porn, she looked so hurt, confused, and angry. J-Void apparently had promised her that he would never think of her in that way...and yet he did far worse, by making her the object of his lust and trying to manipulate her into being a willing participant. It was never consensual, because she honestly had no idea what he was doing, only that she trusted him not to use her in that way.

Being that there was no physical contact, some might think no real harm done or that I did more harm revealing the truth. Well, obviously, they are not the ones who are living with the fallout from this kind of violation to their own daughter or what is like to have a manipulator have such a hold on your daughter, when you know she is being used.

There are far more details to this than I am going to write here, including text and email messages between the mother and us beginning from about a year ago. In fact, if I did not have the hard copies of all the evidence in my own hands, I would have difficulty believing that ANY parent would say the things she has, especially after something like this latest thing, and without any apology whatsoever as to what emotional harm this has done to my daughter. Here are two of my favorites she texted to my husband:

  • "Aside from our parental issues which I would welcome working through, if there would be someway for us to allow these two to see each other occasionally in a supervised setting with other friends, I think it would be healthy for them so that their only connection isn't limited to strained stolen digital moments."
  • "I feel fairly certain [the Princess] will be in our lives in some way in the years to come." (We took this one to be a veiled threat.)

The gist of these two quotes, that she wants to have my daughter and J-Void have a chance to see each other, combine to be the only constant theme in all her communications with us...well, there are two more to add to that:
  1. The mother uses a shame-blame tactic stating we are hurting both of the kids by keeping them apart. (As if hers and son's deeds are inconsequential.)
  2. The mother is always accusing us of making assumptions about her without asking any questions. (As if she is the victim.)

Between the boy and his mother, we have experienced every one of the manipulation tactics on this list since this whole thing stated last year. (Yes, there is a father, but we have heard nothing from him.)




I just want to point something out here - GOD NEVER USES THESE TACTICS!

Now for the rest of the story:

This is the profile of the intimacy-seeking stalker:

Intimacy Seeking stalking arises out of a context of loneliness. Victims are usually strangers or acquaintances who become the target of the stalker’s desire for a relationship. Frequently Intimacy Seeking stalkers’ behaviour is fuelled by delusional beliefs about the victim, such as the belief that they are already in a relationship, even though none exists (erotomanic delusions). The initial motivation is to establish an emotional connection and an intimate relationship. The stalking is maintained by the gratification that comes from the belief that they are closely linked to another person. These are the longest in duration compared to the four other types of stalkers.

Remember that J-Void was a very shy boy, who did not talk to anyone at school, and then like flipping a switch he was professing his love for the Princess after they began talking for just two weeks on Hangouts, while he was constantly trying to get her to reciprocate. Sounds innocent considering they were just fourteen, but within just a few more weeks J-Void's actions became more bizarre. I have to say that in this case he was somewhat successful because the Princess also believed she was in love with him, so J-Void believed he had some confirmation that his feelings were reciprocated, even though neither one of them is mature enough to understand what "love" really is.

In the last month, without direct access to the Princess, the boy has gone into a stalking mode on the Internet. We dealt with him harassing my husband at work through texts and calls as well as us both through emails months before, but this time he is using her friends on Instagram to see her. When her account was public, he followed everyone that she did and probably everyone that followed her. Now her account is private and she is blocking him AND I have full access to her account, plus I started my own which is public. We had changed her name, so he would not even know who she was or if she was still on Instagram, but he later figured it out.

We are not changing her name again because...well, it is poetic: Shadow comes out to play. As parents, we felt like we have been trying to hide her in the shadows of the Internet and she was in the shadows at times circumventing us, but now everything between us is in the open and in the Light. She would rather have more privacy, but she is not a confident in her judgement about who she can trust at this point, so she is more accepting that I will be monitoring all her private conversations, in compliance with our rules.

J-Void figured it out the new name and addressed her directly (they call it tagging there) after she commented on a mutual friend's post. The Princess warned him to stay away or she would ask her parents to get a restraining order. However, this was just one more time of a number of times this boy has crossed the line. We had previously sent his parents an email warning for him and and his mother not to contact our daughter in ANY way from that point on or we would seek legal action. We have ZERO tolerance left on this matter when it comes to protecting my daughter. I do not know if they bothered to advise the boy or not and, at this point, I do not care, because it is obvious he is obsessed and thanks to the Internet and his fantasy, he is on a perpetual "date" with or "marred" to my daughter "in his mind."

We requested an officer's report on this incident last week.

There is still other stuff going on with this beyond what I have shared here on this matter, but this is as far I am going for now.

My Lord, I am so tired, so very tired of this situation, of seeing what has done to my daughter. I want it to end but I am concern it will not. This boy, my Lord...all I can do it pray that You will intervene in his life so he will let go of my daughter in his heart and mind. I ask whatever soul ties that have been formed between them be severed completely.

2 comments:

  1. I am sorry. I did try to Skype then our grandson arrived so I have been AWOL. With your permission I will take this to our prayer group. Let me know if there is anything in particular you would like prayed out. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I would be AWOL for any grandchild myself...but later for that, much later.

      Absolutely, we need prayer. Actually many things come to mind for particulars:
      1) Break any and all soul ties between J-Void and the Princess.
      2) That the boy gets help as well as the Princess works through her emotions.
      3) That this will not cause problems with the Princess' friends at the school.
      4) That the boy's parents...well, not sure what to say there. I am still quite angry. But I still feel that the mother is not a believer, just a person who thinks she is.
      5) That everyone involved is relieved from the anxiety this has been causing.

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.