Not-Yet's and Not-Ever's

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

My daughter has friends who are raised quite differently than she has been. Many of her friends label us as over protective because they are allowed to do things that our daughter is not. Some things are just not-yet's and others are not-ever's, at least while she lives in our home.

One not-yet is getting her driver's license. Although many of her friends have gotten or are getting their driver's permits at fifteen years old so that they can get their licenses at sixteen, my husband and I decided years ago that we would not rush into getting her license just because she legally could, although our state has a tiered system with three stages depending on age and other provisions. There are several factors that play into this:

• Local driving is far away from Atlanta traffic, but many people here commute and by the time they drive that distance, they are short on patience and have a whole different idea of what a speed limit is other than what is posted on the signs. 
• The Atlanta area is one of the worst in the country for teenagers causing accidents and there are several reasons for that, but probably the main reason is that they are teenagers and do not take driving as seriously as they should and easily get distracted thanks to latest in tech. 
• Another reason is related to illegal immigrants...they are not licensed or insured so there are many stories of accidents when a number of them jump out of the vehicle and ran away from the accident and that the vehicle itself was not registered so there is no way to find them. 
• Such events have caused steep increases in our vehicle insurance over the past few years and adding a teen driver to the policy is not something we are eager to do. 
• Lastly, waiting until she is seventeen also means we do not have to pay for a driving course as the tiered laws requires presently. It is enough that our car insurance doubles either way!

Her friends may get the not-yet's better than our not-ever's. A seventeen year old boy with which the Princess has been friends for a few years is leaving for college at the beginning of August. He wanted to spend some time with her so he offered to pick her up to drive her to the skating rink he likes that is about a 45-minute drive away. Now we expect attractions at this age but the Princess will not ever be allowed to date and being alone with a young man in a car...that sounds like a date to me. Of course, that is never going to happen. 

We have strict rules about going out with friends and courting. We have done things with her friends that are boys, like hiked in a park or gone to a movie, but I was there with them. The Princess does not have but one good friend that is a girl and that would be because she finds most girls fickle, boy-crazy, and shallow, except for this one. 

She just does not connect with girls. Even as a young child, she liked playing with boys and doing the stuff boys were into more...and this when she would dress in a fancy dress for church and often for dinner just because! She was a tomboy and a girly-girl, depending on the setting and her mood. For a few years, when she was middle school age, I could barely get her in a dress except for recitals. Now she is swinging back to her former loves, although she does not dress for dinner, but now and then she will wear a dress or skirt to church or just because.

Anyway, when she was younger, I mostly had to worry about what she and the boys were going to dig up in the backyard or injuries from sword fighting and she has always had this fascination with all kinds of knives, like boys tend to do. Although she is aware that some of her friends are attracted to her, she rarely will talk to us about it. The bad experience with J-Void left its mark on us all, so I think that one side of her does not want to like a boy or even been liked by a boy, but the other...well, she is still a teenage girl. We see the conflict she tries to hide.

Our rules have some flexibility depending on the situation and persons involved and we do invite God's say in the matter. However, the Princess is never to get into a car alone with a boy or go off anywhere alone with a boy at any time...period! She is allowed to go with a mixed group of friends as long as there is a responsible chaperone. We, at times, will allow her to do something with a boy as long as one of her parents is with her or we really know and trust the chaperone.

We do not need to know everyone in the group, but when it comes down to a one-on-one situation, we like to meet the boy and his parents if possible, just to be sure we all are on the same page. We did not do this with J-Void because....well, they both were only fourteen at the time. From our point of view, they were too young for courtship.

Now that the Princess is sixteen (and still too young, but it is not unexpected at this age), should a boy profess his interest in her as anything more than a friend and she feel the same, we will treat it as a courting situation. We are not there yet, although we have had some boys expressing their feelings for her, she has been more careful to reciprocate since J-Void. When we think it is a mutual attraction, then we will handle it as a courtship, in that we be more involved with their time together and work on getting to know the parents also.

Although the Princess has been made aware of these rules most of her life, I think it is still difficult for her to see the pictures of the girls from her youth group in their formal dresses with their dates for homecomings and proms. One girl in particular has had the same boyfriend for over a year, yet her mother has said that she is immature for her age to me several times, so I am still wondering why she allows her to date...? Anyway, a few times the Princess has asked why she does not feel anything towards any boy other than friendship, as if she thinks she has something wrong with her. It breaks my heart that she thinks that about herself, but I just tell her it is because she has not yet met the one God has chosen for her.

I know that this may be hoping for too much, but I am still hoping that God's chosen mate for my daughter will be a man who recognizes that our strict rules are not against him but for him and that appreciates that we all worked to guard her virtue and her heart for him. That would be ideal, but I will try not to have that expectation. Still, I have heard God tell me that He has selected her husband, the one we have been praying about for all these years, and that we are going to love him. In someways I cannot wait to meet him and in others...well, that it changes so much that I am also not in a hurry to see change. I will trust God's timing.

My Lord, I look forward to my daughter coming into adulthood, but it is a bittersweet feeling. Please give us all patience and help us to really hear You as we all grow through this process.

The Downsides of Upgrading Phones

Sooner or later, you will need to make friends with Disappointment. ~Dr. SunWolf

For many years I had a prepay flip phone. I had a plan that is no longer offered, but as long as I paid it the balance so that it was $100 once a year I was grandfathered in to pay 10 cents a minute for calls and 10 cents per text. I did not text and the most I ever paid in one year was around $50, most years between $20-$30. We still had a home land line and I did most of my chats on that. My cell phone was for meeting up with people at the right place and time and emergencies. The phone number was switched over to me from an old work phone number my husband had.

Now I am not particularly sentimental about phones, but phone numbers...well, that is another story. We have tried to keep the first number my daughter memorized when she was turning four years old. My husband was offered to go to the tech conference at Disney World that year. In preparation, my daughter and I began taking long walks to build her stamina and while we walked we worked on her memorizing her address and her daddy's phone number, because even though I could not imagine her getting separated from us by anything, I wanted to be sure that she knew our address, our full names, and how to contact us by phone.

So, we had that number ported to my prepay flip phone, which was no small feat that that time. I used the same phone with the same number for several years.

About three years ago, we decided to let go of the landline and go cellular only. So I got a smart phone, Samsung Galaxy S5, that I loved! The Princess got the prepay flip phone. She was not allowed to text or just chat on it, but it was to be used for meeting up with us at the right place and time.

We replaced the $20 flip phone I previously had for several years because it fell out of her pocket as she was riding her bike and a car ran over it. I keep thinking that one was a replacement of another that got ruined or lost, but she does not remember. Anyway, the last time we needed to replace it, there were no prepay flip phones, instead there was a $30 small touch screen phone that had wi-fi capability and very little storage by today's standards; I think it qualifies as the cheapest "smart phone" possible. She cracked the screen in the first six months, and she could have replaced it with her allowance or gift money, but she decided to just live with it.

A few years ago, my husband and I never had it in our minds that she would be allowed to have a smart phone as a teenager, but that is when we had a land line. Things have changed, tech has changed, and our plans had to change also.

My husband just bought a phone earlier this year to be his personal phone, as he felt his work phone was becoming the company way of keeping surveillance on their employees. He is definitely an iPhone guy, but I like Android. He tried to convinced me to get a new phone then also. Now I was still quite happy with my Galaxy s5 except for one thing: not enough internal storage. I use my phone to help me stay on track with my life and chores, save money, and monitor and limit the Princess' online activity so it has several shopping apps, Instagram, a bill reminder app (very necessary with all the additional stuff from the Queen Mother), and a few games that give me something to do when I am waiting with nothing to do. The 16 gig internal space was just not enough anymore and what apps I could move to the external card would move back to internal with every update. At least once a week to daily, I was moving over pictures and apps to the external card so all my apps would work...so that my phone would work...so that my life would work.

You may recall that we also had found a senior friendly flip phone for the Queen Mother and she was added to our service plan. That made three on the plan.

I was ready to give in and the prepay was coming due the first week of July, so I decided to just do it. The Princess would get my Galaxy s5 and I would get the Galaxy s8, which has 64 gig internal storage with the ability to add an external card, but I was not as thrilled about it because of the curved edges being harder to protect  You see, I do not go for the pretty phone cases but for ones that will really protect the phone. My s5 did not even have a scratch!

So we added the Princess to unlimited phone and texting.... Hold that thought.

Actually, the guy at the store made an error in the phone number we were trying to have port over from the prepay service...the number we have passed along in the family for over a decade. None of us caught it, so she really could not use the phone. It took some time to track down what went wrong and go back to the store to have it corrected, but since Thursday morning it has been up and running.

Back to that thought....I have access to all of her accounts email, Instagram, and Google Hangouts, so I can see everything, but there are three things that I would not see: texting, calls going in and out, and the actual conversation. However, I found a free app that leashes her phone to mine so I see all her text conversations and who is calling her. That is about the best I can do.

Oh, and I cannot tell you how much I really hated getting the Galaxy s8. I would have preferred getting another s5 with more internal storage. I ordered a cover like the one I had for on my s5, but I did not realize it would take three weeks to get it. (I am assuming it is coming from China.) So, I have tried to be careful with the phone, but for whatever reason, Galaxy made the entire phone with a glass skin. Had I looked more at the reviews I would have probably thought hard about going with an iPhone. The glass at the back of the s8 cracks very easily and the entire phone is quite slippery, but I thought all would be well once I got the case. Well, I still do not have a case and tonight I dropped it on a brick walkway and it hit a corner. The front screen is fine, but the back has one crack from the corner to the fingerprint pad. Not terribly bad and the case will cover most of the damage, but it does make the phone less water resistant. As I wrote, my s5 did not even have a scratch after three years, so I am a bit bummed that I did this after having the new phone for only eight days.

I miss my s5! Yes, I do!

My Lord, help me keep my expectations in perspective, one small crack in a phone should not have so much power over my feelings! I have spent too much thought on something I cannot change. Thank you for making heaven a place that does not have such concerns.  

For What Have I Been Waiting?

Existence rightly considered is a fair compromise between two instincts—the instinct of hoping one day to live, and the instinct to live here and now. ~Arnold Bennett

I read this quote looking for the one in my last post and it stuck with me. I have had a tendency all my life of hoping one day to live the life I would like rather than making the "here and now" that life...if that makes any sense to you. In part, I think it was a coping mechanism I used through my abused childhood that became so ingrained in me that at times in my life I have had to take a few moments to realize I am living my life right now.

I get swept up in workings within my mind, so much so that I have this habit of forgetting where I put something that I just had in my hands five minutes ago—or even just seconds ago if I am going to be completely honest—or I cannot remember why I began walking toward a particular room because my mind has thoughts of so many unrelated things between where I started and where I was going (but I never get lost like that when I am driving). It is not that my memory is failing; I have always been this way, but it is worse when I am under stress and have time to think too much. I quite focused and practical in a crisis, but make it just urgent or anything less with more time to think and my mind is racing in several directions at once.

The reason I am mentioning this is that I do not shut down easily. I have enough things going on in my brain that I often wish I could escape from my own self. Add outside influences, I get overwhelmed easily and end up not really doing anything productive...like spending time to complain on my blog.

When I think over where my daughter was a year ago and see where she is now, I am delighted, like I was delighted by her when she was quite younger. She is still a teenager with mood swings but we are close again. We talk to each other about everything and anything and even nothing. We laugh together. She defends me with her friends. She hugs me when I am having a bad day and even just because—I thank her hug-loving, never-say-no-to-hug, hugs-are-healing-believing youth pastor, who is really into hugs (in case you missed it), for part of that as she has been spending most Thursday afternoons with my daughter. Simple things that were completely absent a year ago. After working on rebuilding trust on both sides throughout the last year, my daughter and I presently have the relationship I really wanted for us both. But...I wonder if I changed more than she did.

Before I was stressing to her and stressing out about her education. I was steering our homeschool exactly where I never meant for it to go—stressful. She was not fitting my expectations and worse she could see through me to that. I was not even fitting my own expectations as to guiding her home education. I was as unhappy as she was, but I believed we were on a track going the right way so we would arrive at the right destination eventually. When it all fell apart for the Princess a year ago, I had to jump off that track and take a good look at the reality of our surroundings, which way off from where I had hoped to be, and remember my purpose for homeschooling so I could get on the right track with my daughter.

Then I relaxed, probably for the first time since the Princess was a tween.

Homeschooling became far less important than my daughter's emotional and spiritual health. Devotions, some days, took up a couple of hours and often spurred long talks. I did not push her away, stressing she had to get her lessons done as I had done in the past. I stopped looking at those talks as a time to lecture her or that she was using them as a stall tactic. I began working at helping her to realize that she was shaping her life: not my rules or my expectations. It took months but we are where I wanted for us to be and a funny thing happened: The more I eased up on controlling her education, the more the Princess became determined to take serious initiative and personal responsibility for her education...with a good attitude.

The past year's events seem like a bad dream and this was always our reality, but in truth I know it was not. I know we both learned to change and to trust each other. My home life is peaceful and stable because my daughter became my highest priority, but unfortunately that had an one adverse effect: I pushed everything I wanted for just myself aside...again.

So, I was highly excited about this coming year. I bought the Princess lots of art supplies and had this plan that we both be motivated to create a creative space and do art together. She would still get the attention she needed and I would get the time to be creative that I needed. I was looking forward to it so much and then....my mother-in-law fell.

The point is that all my life I have been waiting to really live my life. A series of things happened during my life, so I did not get back into doing artwork. In fact, every time I started back into art something happened that took priority, including homeschooling. I feel like here I am again....

I really have no idea what going to be happening in the next week: Are we going to Florida or not? What will we be doing there when we do go? Will my mother-in-law still be in rehab or will she be going home? How will we do her move? Will she really need assisted living or will it be good living with us with home care assistance two to three times a week?

Too many questions with no answers yet.

I do not make New Year's resolutions. My philosophy is if it is something I am resolved to do, I should just do it. Why wait until the New Year? However, it seems I am always waiting for some other thing in my life that is taking priority...maybe I really do not know what it is that I really want, but then why do I feel like I am giving up a part of myself again?

My Lord, help me to want what You want. I know You can make it all work out. I know you hear the unspoken words in my heart and count the tears that I will not allow myself to cry. I will be waiting on You.

Restored, Rejuvenated, Relieved

Nobody can be set free from a problem until they're willing to admit they have one. ~Joyce Meyer

Instead of pain and tightness, this morning is the first time I woke up with just a tiny bit of soreness left in my right hip and back. It was wonderful! I tried chiropractics for three weeks and had two one-hour massages in less than a week but it seemed that neither were really having a lasting affect to reduce the pain, which usually means for me that the core of it is an emotional or spiritual based problem, since I had done nothing to cause it. This is my Lord's way of getting me to address things that I have repressed for whatever reason and I am not listening to Him on the particular matter. I knew what it was, but it was not something I could work out all on my own. There is more to it than I will write here, but as briefly as I can put it, here it is.

My husband travels for work often and for the last five years we have been on a very tight budget. For two years, most of the weekends he was home, we could not even sit together in church because he ran the media and none of the members wanted to trade off, but just fill in when absolutely necessary (as when we were not there) and it seems to be affecting the family of the man who is now doing the media all the time the same way, because Sunday is the only day his family has all together. Since the beginning of this year, my husband has been away nearly every week and several weekends also, with his promised review scheduled and resheduled. The last three months, we have increasingly been having difficulty communicating with and relating to each other, actually I had been holding back quite a bit of my feelings about how much he has been traveling. Oh, and my daughter is twelve with all the moodiness that goes with it. We have yet to celebrate her birthday, because of the piano recital and my husband working on weekends.

Now in the back of my mind, there was to be an end to all of this, although that would be one of those expectations that I try so hard to avoid because inevitably I will be disappointed. I know this but still a few sneak in because we have made some of our goals, but have more yet to work towards.

• We paid off the credit card (which was really the car payment) in October, so we have had extra money each month...but not really, because so many things need repaired.
• We have been placing our tithe aside in a separate account waiting on the Lord to tell us what to do with it and we no longer feel He is asking us for 15% but 10%, so we have been saving the difference as well.
• Even though our bank account is now growing, we must still stay with the same budget and not touch it, which is far more of a challenge for my husband than for me.
• We have to save up to replace all the siding on our house as well as all nineteen windows, all gutters, and two doors, which was due to the damage caused by the spray-on siding where we thought we would never have to paint again--ha! (Well, we will never have to paint the siding it was put on because it is rotting away, but let's not go there right now.)
• My husband traded a gun that he bought many years ago for just $200 for another gun that is worth $2,000, which he plans to sell to pay for the used ATV (all terrain vehicle) that he bought for $2,000. An ATV comes in real handy when hunting and is much easier than carrying the deer all by yourself. Of course, the ATV needed some work and for a few hundred more in repairs and such, but he assures he got a deal. (I am thinking it will be a deal when he sells the $2,000 gun.)
• Yes, I also did buy a few things on Craigslist recently and I am eying a like new art studio floor easel today on it as well because it is such a great price, but I am also in the process of selling other items so that it will all even out in the end. (So, I cannot fault my husband, but somehow his stuff always has a higher price tag than mine.)
• My husband was so burned out the the two previous weekends that he mostly slept and did paperwork the first one and the second a vertebra in his back slipped when he was not doing anything. I mean, the man has a very physical job and the only time he gets sick or hurts his back is when he is at home doing something normal like sitting down, and always when he is burned out. With a prayer, I adjusted his back and he was better, but rested that day. (Yeah, being empathic--or having words of knowledge, if you prefer--and having learned a few things when I used to work for a chiropractor does come in handy.)
• My husband finally did have his review and he did get a raise, the first one in five years, not counting the pay increase when he accepted his present job two years ago, and we should see it in the next paycheck. 
• It also looks as if we have another expense as we are planning to enroll the Princess in a science class for the next school year, but more on that later. 
• Also, my husband's van has so many miles on it all I can do is pray that my Lord holds it to together for the next year or two. 

The money stuff has not really let up and it will not. I really have to stop thinking in terms of an end to the struggle, because there is no real end in that battle, just pauses. We have to get the house fixed, and then another van probably, and then there is college...on and on it goes. My husband's raise is half spoken for because of the science class tuition and the other (and more, probably) will go to increase in health insurance costs at the beginning of next year thanks to Obamacare. (See how much I just need to take a breather now and then.)

Because of all this, I was not feeling that sense of finality or even accomplishment, just a shift in the trenches. I can deal with that, but when I feel disconnected from my husband and my roller coaster tween, all this apparently is enough to give me a pain in the butt make my nervous system react in very negative ways...and so it did.

My Lord and I have been talking. My husband and I had a few talks the past couple of weeks and we are now communicating much better, in part because he is home more so that we can. My daughter is still roller coasting, so I make the most of the mid range up to the highs when I can and try to be patient on her dips. Even though it has only been the past two days, my pain is diminishing. YAY! I even did gardening this weekend and afterward used my machine (another one of my alternative health care secrets) at the end of the day, which seems to now be improving the hip problem.

~ Thank you, my Lord, for restoring me, rejuvenating relationships, and relieving me from the pain I have had. You truly are loving and amazing, my Lord. ~

What Proverbs 31 Does Not Say

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ~Galatians 3:26

There is an idealism that has taken deep roots particularly with Christian homeschooling families and that is woven in many books on homeschooling. It is somewhere between Complementarianism and Biblical or Christian Patriarchy, leaning mostly toward the latter. I personally felt the draw of it a decade ago and seriously considered if I had been missing out on blessings for not covering my head or just wearing jeans, instead of long skirts all the time, or treating my husband as lord of the manor. Why I did not crossover to this lifestyle was because I did not feel convicted by my Lord to do so and I prayed sincerely about this often for about two years, yet at the same time, as I read books by Christian authors on homeschooling, I felt almost convinced that I should feel convicted by the Lord and I just was not hearing Him. Sometimes it is difficult to discern what is from God and what is man's addition to God's Law, even the Pharisees were convinced of their righteousness until Jesus came along.

The thing is when I do not trust my own judgement, I do not turn my trust to the judgement of others either, but I prefer to go to the Source. The only One who is truly trustworthy and knows exactly what He wants from me. The only One who has the right to convict me and no need to convince me...well, sometimes I can be rather reluctant, but this post is not about that. God just was not saying for me to embrace either philosophy.

Perception is always interesting to me. I could write about every verse in Proverbs 31 in detail, as other bloggers have, but I would rather address the parts that are looked over as being irrelevant today and what it does not say, but many mistakenly think it does.

It does not say that the mother should homeschool her children or instruct any children in academics. Was it even allowed that Hebrew women were taught to read then? It also does not say that a man is to expect his wife to be his servant and the man to handle all the financial decisions. In fact, it states the wife considers a field, buys it, and plants a vineyard (verse 16), which sounds to me like she manages finances and it also does not say how or even if her husband is involved at all in such a decision.

The Proverbs 31 wife has servants (verse 15). Now it does not say she must have servants, it is just assumed that she does and that she should give portions of food to them after her household, of which servants are not a part apparently, so the household would be the woman's family. I personally do not have any servants and I do not know any Christian women who do, but it does not say "if" she has servants, so maybe we are suppose to have servants and are not doing our Biblical duty if we do not?

It also states very clearly that the Proverbs 31 wife spins as that was for what the distaff and spindle were used (verse 19). Well, I did see a Christian woman at a spindle at a historical reenactment once, but I do not know any Christian women personally, who even own a distaff and spindle let alone know how to use one.

I know a few Christian women who sew, but not many and I think it would be rare to find those who make linen garments and sell them (verse 24). If every Christian woman supplied belts to the tradesmen, I think there would be no market for belts left in just a few days. All that aside though, how can we be the Christian wives we are meant to be if we do not follow this Biblical standard?

Oh, I love this one too. It states that women should wear purple (verse 22) and their families should wear red (verse 21). Even the Amish are missing out on this one!

I could go on, but I am sure you get the picture now. Cultures change. While I take the Bible literally, I cannot ignore that some things are written for the culture at that time and Proverbs 31 was advice to a son in choosing a wife of that time, rather than God given duties for women of all time to live by, as some use them. I would also point out that Proverbs 31 says nothing of the woman loving the Lord with all her heart or serving her husband like a servant would. It talks of a woman making the clothing, but not about laundering and mending—maybe that is what the servants were for? I strongly believe that the general concepts of the Proverbs 31 wife are still desirable, but not the specific duties as stated.

The question then is what parts of the Bible are culturally related and what ones are not, therein is the division of certain Christian ideals. I personally believe that there are differences in the genders, but just because my husband is a man I would not deprive him of his love of cooking. It just so happens that cooking is something I rarely enjoy and who but God could better balance one's dislike for a thing than choosing a spouse who would love it?

Now let's us look at what Paul wrote to the Galatians that definitely was not based on the culture of that time, but all cultures for all time:

But before faith came, we were kept in custody under the law, being shut up to the faith which was later to be revealed. Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor. For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ~Galatians 3:23-26

Something changed with the coming of Christ in regards to the law. The law was to be our tutor to lead us to Christ, but we are no longer under the law because all believers are sons of God: there is neither male or female. Not there will be neither male or female as in heaven, but that there is, in this present time under faith, no difference between the genders. There is equality.

Years ago now, I used to have severe back pain and could do so little. My husband washed, folded, and put way the laundry; prepared meals; washed dishes; cleaned whatever needed cleaning; helped me get around; and worked 60 to 90 hours a week for his job outside of our home. He never thought that the work he did at home was work for only women. He thought of it as what was necessary to be done and I was unable to do. No job is beneath him and because of this and his love for God, he is a man is completely worthy of my respect and trust.

When my back was healed, I did most of the housework and managing our finances (which I like to do) with the exception of making investments, but my husband still does his laundry after he returns from a business trip and he likes to cook, which he finds relaxing, and I still like for him to cook! No, he could never have birthed and nursed babies as only a woman could, but most everything else is a matter of necessity, personal preference, and ability between us. He likes to work on cars and I do not, but neither of us would think of it as wrong if it was the other way around and the Bible does not tell us whether being a car mechanic is woman's or man's work. Our perceptions on that are cultural and, although I readily admit that in general men seem more interested in mechanics than women, I also think more women would be if it was not thought culturally to be a man thing also.

As I see it the Bible was not written so that we would aspire to have cookie-cutter Christian families and Stepford-like wives or husbands, but to be a guide to Christ. What duty each performs does not have any bearing on who is the head of the family, even Jesus washed his disciples feet after walking with them all day! As long as the couple surrender to His reign over the marriage and the family, the who does what duty in and out of the home is of so little importance...except to those who prefer to live under the law (or laws not even defined in the Bible) instead of under faith.

~ My Lord, a family is such a precious gift and we each have our duties to each other in service to You. Guide us to do all according to Your will only and love You with all our hearts above all things. ~

Realization Days After the Election

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here. ~The Trumpet Voice of Freedom: Patrick Henry of Virginia, p. iii.

In a sneaky way, one of my personal rules was broken. I did not realize it until this week. I distracted myself with the election and all that lead up to it, but I messed up.

I have this rule about placing expectations on other people: I try to have low-to-no expectations on people.

Now, I do have expectations on my daughter; she has chores and lessons she is expected to do with a reasonable attitude (relatively reasonable for a tween), but these expectations are necessary to guide her growth into a responsible woman. I have few on my husband, truth be told. However, the rest of the world...I hope, but I tend not to expect, which is one of the reasons I am a highly defensive driver!

Yet, I had some expectations of people in my country, of the presidential candidates and...yes, even of God in regards to this last election.

I expected that over half of the American people would be very concerned by many things our president has done in the last four years and our increasing debt due to uncontrolled spending. I expected them at least to be outraged that he knowingly lied to them and to the United Nations--basically, the entire world--setting up a man who made a YouTube clip, which had nothing to do with it at all, as to why four Americans including our Ambassador in Benghazi was murdered in a military attack that lasted for hours. It was act of war, (notice I did not write terrorist attack, because terrorism is an attack on civilians for the purpose of terrorizing them) while our nearby forces were told to stand down. I actually watched a large of part of Congressional hearings and then I watched ignorant Obama supporters at an Ohio College being interviewed about Benghazi, who did not have a clue about the attack at all but were voting without even googling. So much for being informed voters! Although I wonder if that would have mattered to them...?

I expected that the politicians to be...politicians, but better at showing the stuff they are really made of, so to speak, even though I knew that depended more on the mainstream media, which seems to favor one party over the other and tips the scales accordingly. That is probably why college students had no clue about Benghazi. Worse, though, I expected whoever was elected to work toward a resolution to better our economy before the dollar's inevitable demise.

What I expected of God about the election was that He would see to it that the candidate who served the greater good for the country would be elected, but I realize that the worst expectation of all.

Instead, I should have been willing to accept that God's purpose is not to make America what I would like to see it be. Why would He? How is America so different than ancient Israel that many times turned away from God, worshiping idols and practiced immorality, and then overtaken by enemies? As a nation, we have failed God, so we should expect being overtaken by our enemies, shouldn't we? But our real enemies are not of this world.

We can try to repair the crumbling front of being a great nation with superior military power; try to brag on the great men of our history who built our government into a sovereign country; and proudly claim our Constitution protects our rights of freedom. We could do all that but how does that stand with God? The reality is that today America is not a nation "in God we trust." It is ironic that these notes and coins on which that quote is stamped is on the very edge of crashing to worthlessness.

I should have not expected anything from any person. I should have trusted in God for all of it. There is always one very good thing that comes about from adversity...seeking God. I think people will be provided many opportunities to exercise this. I do not know what will happen with our nation, but I do know that we, as a people, have been comfortable with material amenities and unchallenged spiritual convictions. We allowed what is so ungodly to take over because of Constitutionally protected rights--that which protected religion when it was necessary has been twisted in our courts to protect from all religion. But then, religion is not what God wants from us.

This week I have been reminded of Paul singing praises in prison as I began preparing the praise and worship service for this coming Sunday. Also, in our weakness, God's strength. America may become weak, but if that is what it takes to make the lost souls in America turn towards God, then I should welcome it. My expectations would not have been met no matter which candidate won, because meeting my expectations was not God's purpose and I was not surrendered to His will.

Finally, I came to this conclusion:

My man did not win on the election,
but then my Man was not even running.

~ My Lord, thank you for reminding me that this is not my home. My home is where You reign and that reign starts within my heart.~

Have You Hugged Your Lord Today?

The irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. ~Francis Chan

We have been told about how important it is to hug our loved ones daily and now we have Christian artists illustrating Jesus hugging children and people, one on one, but have we been taught, encouraged, or shown how to just hug our Lord?

Not prayed.

Not read scripture.

Not do a devotion.

Not ask for anything...

nothing at all for anyone...

absolutely nothing.

Just love Him intensely in a breath...so brief.

Please take a few seconds, minutes if you are so inclined, to love on your Lord without any expectation from Him.

Stop now.

Quiet your mind.

Close your eyes, if you wish.

Take a breath and say "I love You, my Lord."

Did you feel His peace? It always makes me weep.

Did you feel His presence? It always overwhelms with speechlessness.

Did you hear Him speak to you? Did you want to?

Are you wondering why you do not do this more often and how can anyone ever go through an entire day without loving on Him just like this? Will you try to do it at least once again later today and then tomorrow?

~ My Lord, I will quiet my mind and listen in this breath....I love You, my Lord. ~

Relationships

Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good. ~John Milton

Last night my husband and I watched the movie "The Blind Side," which I enjoyed more than I thought I would. It is about a family taking in a gentle giant of a high-schooler without home or family. I had already been thinking about relationships with friends and families quite a bit of late. I am not good with some types of relationships....

Perhaps, I should say that it is casual relationships that I have to work at the hardest. I very much like people, but in general I find them draining much of the time. I do not do well with shallow conversations that always include talking about the weather unless the weather is doing something quite extraordinary or caused plans to be altered. Although I like to hear about what others are doing, I am not one to enjoy a this-is-what-I-did-today list all the time. It is difficult for me to feel comfort with anyone until I know how the person feels and the purposes for the things being done. That is when I feel connected.

Unfortunately, not everyone is wired the same way as I am. Some people feel far more comfortable just talking about the stuff they are doing or the weather or what their neighbors are doing. Even though I find such relationships unfulfilling, I remind myself that their needs are being fulfilled.

I had such with my mother for the last years of her life and it was difficult to maintain a surface relationship like that for me, but I was glad that it made her happy. We only talked about what she wanted to talk about; we had problems if I brought up any subjects of my own free will. She would only answer questions she wanted to answer; she expected me to answer all of hers, though. She expected me to be interested in her, but she would only allow me to share my life in answer to her questions. Basically, she controlled the conversations and there were times that I only said about five sentences during an hour phone conversation—she would then praise those as the best conversations we ever had to other family members! I worked hard at putting my desires aside to make her comfortable and happy with this. To me, it seemed to be an illusion, but that was exactly what she wanted: the illusion that we had a close relationship without her having to work at having a real one.

My problem is when I have these types of relationships overwhelming the ones that I need, because I end up burning out good friends, basically dumping on them because I have been holding back with others. I am usually not one to have many friends...in part, I guess I am rather particular and rather peculiar in my particulars, for lack of a better term. I like friends who challenge me in some way, who I look up to and respect, those who give me something without knowing they gave me anything just because they are who they are.

I was never the popular girl and often sat with the loneliest looking person I could find...I still do that. They are the ones who usually tell you how they feel. I find it incredibly sad that I can connect with a stranger more in a few minutes than I could with my own mother in years.

Which brings me back to the Princess, I want a good relationship with her. Not just for now, but a good one when she is grown up. I want to be included in her life, family to her husband, and involved with her children. I want us to have special days when we sit together having tea and I listen to her feelings and I know the purposes behind her choices. I do not want our relationship to be an illusion we try to maintain. I know that she will make choices that would differ from mine. I know her husband will be a greater influence on her life then. I know our relationship will change, but I want to be available to her and I am hoping she will be one of the best friends I ever had.

In my last post, I mentioned that I might make a new year's resolution and this is my purpose behind that decision. This is how I feel about it. Are you feeling just a little connection here?

~ My Lord, relationships are so complicated and yet could be so simple. Help me to keep mine simple in fulfilling my needs and yet make others feel comfortable. Thank you for good friends, who forgive me when I dump on them. ~

Changing My Expectations

I don't have expectations. Expectations in your life just lead to giant disappointments. ~Michael Landon

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations. ~Elliott Larson

A wise man once told me that to change something in someone else, you have to change something in yourself. It worked so well that I married him. Well, to be quite honest, it worked after we were married the most and the practice of it is what saved our marriage in the first three, rather turbulent, years.

I am the type of person who could take an argument to the death, in a manner of speaking. I would lose sight of my objective and just try to win, which resulted in me losing...with my husband. I could win and feel more unsatisfied than before. It took me some time—too long a time, really—to understand that my underlying objective was not winning the argument, it was to win my husband's heart. Back then my husband would say that I had control issues, but I would say I had a trust issue: I didn't trust him to be in control because he would not trust me and listen to my counsel.

That is what I really wanted: to trust him and he, me. In my twisted mind, I thought if I win the argument he will see that I am right and he will eventually trust me. What I failed to see at the time was that we were both demanding trust from the other. Demanding a person to trust you never really works. Like a puppy chasing its tail, we were chasing a dream that would constantly elude us. Worse, the things we both wanted the most--respect, trust, and love—were the very things being destroyed in our futile attempts to demand them.

In essence, we were both demanding for the other to change, but we were not changing ourselves. Isn't that the way of human nature? Give in to me and then maybe I will trust you? Then there is the Lord, Who asks of us to accept His nature instead. Jesus wrapped up every command, every law the Lord had ever given into two simple ones: Matthew 22:37-40

And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord our God will all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

Did I really love my husband? Well, I certainly loved him when it was easy to love him. That is not what Jesus meant though, was it?

Jesus also commanded me to love my enemy, Matthew 5:43-47. He obviously meant that I was to love my husband even when he was unlovable, just like I would like him to love me when I was being unlovable. That meant that I would show him love even when he showed none back. For that to really work, I would have to release him from the expectations I had about how he should treat me to prove his love or even that he would love me at all. I would need to just love him whether or not he gave any indication at all that he loved me. I would have to stop trying to make him see my side for him to want to see my side. This was not something I would do short term or even with the expectation that I would get what I really wanted. This had to be a true commitment. (Sigh.)

What I came to learn was that releasing my husband of the expectations I had placed on him gave me nothing to be angry about regardless of how he behaved. Even if he wanted to argue, I had no need to do the same. I did not wish to argue, I wish to be loved. This was not apathy, it was focus on a goal and, oddly, freedom.

That is the secret. When I really have no expectations on other people, I am not controlled by the very expectations I placed on them. In other words, if I expected my husband to clean up the kitchen sink because he made it a mess and he did not fulfill my expectation, even if he did not know it, then I would feel compelled to react. Without the expectation, there is no disappointment. There is no anger. There is no injury. There is no reason to blame. There is no reason to even grumble. There is freedom to choose to just clean it myself or not to. Simple.

Eventually, we had nothing much to argue about. Eventually, we learned to really trust each other. Eventually, we both really respected each other. Eventually, there was no question that we really loved each other.

I cannot say that I have no expectations whatsoever on my husband these days—we always expect more from those we respect, trust, and love the most and he qualifies—but they are more reasonable expectations, I think. I don't expect him to know my unspoken expectations, although one will slip by me once in while. The moment things begin to heat up, I ask myself if I am upset because he did not meet one of my expectations and, if that is it (most of the time it is), was it fair to him, or did he even know I had that expectation (most of the time that is a "no").

I have applied this philosophy to all my relationships and I must say that I do not get hurt by other people very often now, certainly much less often than I have in the past. I have learned that the real freedom from being disappointed and hurt is not loving less or pulling away, but to have less expectations on others. That way I can enjoy the person for who he or she is, rather than what I want the person to be to me.

I changed something in myself. I have chosen not to have expectations so that I have the freedom give my respect, my trust, and my love to whomever I chose without concerns about whether or not they are deserving. It is a lifelong commitment, but then didn't my Lord do the same for me? For you?

My Lord, thank you for showing me how to release my expectations on others and for understanding the blessing it gives to me. May others in need of this freedom from their expectations be given this gift.