The Best of Date Nights...Well, So Far

Once in a young lifetime one should be allowed to have as much sweetness as one can possibly want and hold. ~Judith Olney

My husband and I went out for sushi at our favorite local sushi bar to which we had not been for some time. They had renovated and it was quite lovely, a more sophisticated and simple, contemporary Japanese design with a strong presence of white and black that was quite appealing. We sat that the sushi bar as we used to do before the child and watched the artistic preparations of the colorful sushi. Maybe it was because it had been so long since I had it, but the sushi seemed to taste taste better than ever as well.

Before we ordered, I asked if we would be going for ice cream afterward, as that is also something we used to do and it would make a difference in how much sushi we should order. My husband was ready to order more at the end of our meal, but later confessed that he was glad we did not.

We went over to Cold Stone, a rather high priced ice cream place were they mix your chosen ice cream concoction on cold marble. We chose something different to share that we have not ordered before: The Pie Who Loved Me. It was wonderful! We selected the regular size chocolate dipped waffle and watched the hand mixing of cheesecake ice cream with Oreo cookies, graham cracker pie crust, and fudge. The only thing I would change next time is replace the cookies with brownies. Brownies are just always better!

We decided to sit outside as it was still warm and I had a warm sweater to offset the expected chill from the ice cream. We had just sat down to enjoy two delicious bites each and then a man approached us. I did not recognize him at first due to a partial beard, but my husband was already up to meet a good friend of ours that we have not seen much for the last couple of years, although we used to spend many weekends and meals together for a couple of years when we all went the same church. Then we saw his daughter, who is six years younger than mine, and now in "double-digits" as her mother put it, since she has turned ten years old.

The rest of their group, his wife, her sister, and her sister's husband, emerged from Starbucks and I immediately grabbed our ice cream and to sit with them. Her sister's family was looking to move here from New York, last we knew, and they had settled in since, so this was the first time we had met them. It turned out that they were considering homeschooling their youngest daughter, who is thirteen.

We had lots to chat about as we had just looked at a house that morning that was more than what we needed, it was that huge. In fact it was 4,231 square feet of the finished livable spaces, which did not include the basement or the bonus room above the two-car garage. Oh, I loved it, but it was in all honesty more house than I would want to clean, even with the central vacuuming system. The kitchen, though, was perfection once the main sink faucet was updated. The upstairs had one bedroom en suite as large as our present one and two smaller bedrooms with a Jack and Jill bathroom between them. Then there was two rooms on opposite ends of the hallway that were quite large; one was being used as an office and the other a sitting room. I could see us using one as an office and sitting room for us my husband and I, while the other would be our daughter's hangout room with her digital piano and artwork and friends. The master on the main was perfect for my mother-in-law. However, it looked like the owners planned to do some of the finishing as they lived there, yet they had been there for fifteen years....perhaps their situation changed and they were unable to complete it. Upstairs were several unfinished touches that needed done, like the wood work was not painted, the stairs dry walls had not been painted, vents were missing, and little things mostly cosmetic like that. The downstairs looked finished but the painting was not professional looking with the edges not being straight and such. The painting that was done was just enough to drive me crazy, but then not being as fond of blue as they were, I was planning to have to paint anyway. Then the basement was framed for rooms, but that was all. Nothing was completed there even the very basic full bathroom. However, it was almost the size of my entire house on each floor and the basement as well. Then there was that upcoming road widening to consider, so maybe if we had another $100,000, or even $50,000, to work with or the other five acres behind it that is cleared? I can see that property if finished and after the road construction is done and we placed some fast going evergreens lined up along the road front and fences, that property would probably be worth nearly twice it is now, but as it is, the sellers are hoping for the very limit of what we can afford and at that price we were hoping for move-in ready...not move from one room to a another to finish it, which we could do because it is big enough.

We had not had the chance to tell our friends all what had been happening as to why we were looking for a new house so we all updated each other on our lives. Lots of changes to discuss and it was a highly pleasant conversation. This made our date was even better than if we had planned it. I so needed to actually have a conversation with people as my anxiety levels have been rising steadily. You know, I just think my Father loves me so much that He provides what I do not even know I need without me needing to ask.

When we finally said our good-byes as they needed to get to a store before it closed, my husband and I went home to spend the rest of the night together alone to talk and just be with each other. Then I had the best sleep I have had in weeks and woke up with a much brighter attitude than I have for about the same amount of time, but I think I dreamed of that house and I cannot get it out of my mind. So much potential....

Thank you, my Lord, for sweetening up my outlook on life and reminding me I am not taking this journey alone and without guidance. You are here with me, watching out for me with a loving heart.

A Glimpse of Being Free

Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids — two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true. -Robert Brault

Although I have enjoyed being with my daughter almost all the time while homeschooling throughout the years, I have to say that I also try to image what life will be like in about three to four years when homeschooling will be over for me. Actually, I am not sure what I will do, but knowing myself as I do, I will submerse myself into something...or several somethings.

I get glimpses of that kind of freedom, the kind that my husband and I had for the first thirteen years of our marriage when we could do anything we wanted at any time within the limits of our budget and his grueling work schedule, of course. Last weekend my daughter left for an overnight birthday party and we had an entire 24 hours to be with each other, if I include the time we were at church, of course.

We decided on a movie. Now I really do not like going to the movie theater as much as I used to when it was just us before because it costs too much and many movies just are not worth it. However, there are some movies that just really are better on the big screen, so we picked one of those. Then there was the choice of going to a theater were we could see it in IMAX 3D or not. I would have liked that but when we saw the cost—well, we decided that the old fashion 2D screen would be good enough.

Off we went like two carefree giddy kids to watch Jurassic World. By the time the movie was over, I was happy with my small life of a middle-aged woman having been married 28 years with a teen daughter and ready to go back to my house that needs more attention than I want to give. Watching such high action movies with them throwing everything they can at all my senses has always been thrilling, but have to admit that I felt a bit worn out afterward. Maybe it was watching that woman running in high heels throughout the whole thing; it just made it seem so unrealistic!

During the movie, the thoughts of the first time I went on the SkyHike with my daughter kept going through my mind. When I was up there on that first challenge scared out of my mind, I was thinking of the scene in the third Jurassic Park movie in the aviary on that rickety catwalk and thought nearly out loud: "Why am I doing this when I don't even have dinosaurs chasing me?"

When my daughter returned, she asked what the movie was about, I said, "Well, it started with oo-oo and aw-aw, and then there's running and...screaming, just like the first three movies"

In the end it was not the movie that was the best part of the time I had with my husband, it was just being together, remembering all the other times we have been together, and looking forward to the times we will be together.

Thank you my Lord for the time that my husband and I can have together alone now and then.

Day 14 of the 21-Day Fast

God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus.
~Max Lucado

I do not think I have ever disliked a fast as much as I have this one. This healing of my love-heart issue...well, I know in the end I will be better for it, but the process...I have been in a deep soul wrenching cry quite a few times the past two weeks.

Every time I think, "Okay. I think I got it now," my Lord uncovers more of what I had hidden and that revealing requires that I must deal with it...more crying. I hear this phrase practically every where I turn: You have to love yourself before you can love others. You know, I really dislike that "love yourself" idea; it always sounds like conceit to me, but that is not what my Lord has been revealing to me. I discount myself, I do not allow myself to love myself, and therefore I do not fully accept that others love me either, so how could I really love them fully. And the real ouchie is if I have not really been loving others then I probably have not really been fully loving my Lord either, holding back from the Creator of all things, of me...how sad is that?

My Lord reminded me of something as I was preparing for church today. I used to have an alternative health-related home business in which I trained and consulted people. I also saw it as a ministry and I used to tell people that they did not have to work to be good enough for God, but only be willing to accept the grace and gifts God is willing and even trying to give to them. The irony of how that relates to my current state does not escape me. He is suggesting I take my own advice to stop resisting His love and just accept it, but I keep putting up roadblocks and He keeps making me tear them back down.

Another fragment off this issue, and I did not really want to admit it as I never like to confess to my vulnerabilities, is this past year has taken its toll on my the relationship between my husband and me. We went through real financial stress for over three years and that was less damaging to our relationship than the past year I think. I have felt that I cannot count on him because he is rarely home and I have extra chores to do, but when he is home I have been so burned out from his absence and homeschooling a reluctant (although she is improving) near-teen that I end wanting to be alone and letting him take charge. He would come home burned out from work, but happy with the change of pace, so he could enjoy cooking and do his chores. We would go to church together and do other things together, but we were really not being together most of the time.

After the fast, we hope to make arrangements to have the Princess stay with a friend for a night and the next day so that we can have some time to be romantic and make a good memory: a nice meal out and maybe a movie or a special place to go with holding hands, loving looks, and my husband again telling me that the reason he married me is because he could kiss me any time he wants to. I am so looking forward to it!

~ My Lord, thank you for the work You are doing within me and forgive me when I feel ungrateful. I know You are doing this for my good. Please bring my husband and I to a closer and more loving relationship than we have ever had. ~

Restored, Rejuvenated, Relieved

Nobody can be set free from a problem until they're willing to admit they have one. ~Joyce Meyer

Instead of pain and tightness, this morning is the first time I woke up with just a tiny bit of soreness left in my right hip and back. It was wonderful! I tried chiropractics for three weeks and had two one-hour massages in less than a week but it seemed that neither were really having a lasting affect to reduce the pain, which usually means for me that the core of it is an emotional or spiritual based problem, since I had done nothing to cause it. This is my Lord's way of getting me to address things that I have repressed for whatever reason and I am not listening to Him on the particular matter. I knew what it was, but it was not something I could work out all on my own. There is more to it than I will write here, but as briefly as I can put it, here it is.

My husband travels for work often and for the last five years we have been on a very tight budget. For two years, most of the weekends he was home, we could not even sit together in church because he ran the media and none of the members wanted to trade off, but just fill in when absolutely necessary (as when we were not there) and it seems to be affecting the family of the man who is now doing the media all the time the same way, because Sunday is the only day his family has all together. Since the beginning of this year, my husband has been away nearly every week and several weekends also, with his promised review scheduled and resheduled. The last three months, we have increasingly been having difficulty communicating with and relating to each other, actually I had been holding back quite a bit of my feelings about how much he has been traveling. Oh, and my daughter is twelve with all the moodiness that goes with it. We have yet to celebrate her birthday, because of the piano recital and my husband working on weekends.

Now in the back of my mind, there was to be an end to all of this, although that would be one of those expectations that I try so hard to avoid because inevitably I will be disappointed. I know this but still a few sneak in because we have made some of our goals, but have more yet to work towards.

• We paid off the credit card (which was really the car payment) in October, so we have had extra money each month...but not really, because so many things need repaired.
• We have been placing our tithe aside in a separate account waiting on the Lord to tell us what to do with it and we no longer feel He is asking us for 15% but 10%, so we have been saving the difference as well.
• Even though our bank account is now growing, we must still stay with the same budget and not touch it, which is far more of a challenge for my husband than for me.
• We have to save up to replace all the siding on our house as well as all nineteen windows, all gutters, and two doors, which was due to the damage caused by the spray-on siding where we thought we would never have to paint again--ha! (Well, we will never have to paint the siding it was put on because it is rotting away, but let's not go there right now.)
• My husband traded a gun that he bought many years ago for just $200 for another gun that is worth $2,000, which he plans to sell to pay for the used ATV (all terrain vehicle) that he bought for $2,000. An ATV comes in real handy when hunting and is much easier than carrying the deer all by yourself. Of course, the ATV needed some work and for a few hundred more in repairs and such, but he assures he got a deal. (I am thinking it will be a deal when he sells the $2,000 gun.)
• Yes, I also did buy a few things on Craigslist recently and I am eying a like new art studio floor easel today on it as well because it is such a great price, but I am also in the process of selling other items so that it will all even out in the end. (So, I cannot fault my husband, but somehow his stuff always has a higher price tag than mine.)
• My husband was so burned out the the two previous weekends that he mostly slept and did paperwork the first one and the second a vertebra in his back slipped when he was not doing anything. I mean, the man has a very physical job and the only time he gets sick or hurts his back is when he is at home doing something normal like sitting down, and always when he is burned out. With a prayer, I adjusted his back and he was better, but rested that day. (Yeah, being empathic--or having words of knowledge, if you prefer--and having learned a few things when I used to work for a chiropractor does come in handy.)
• My husband finally did have his review and he did get a raise, the first one in five years, not counting the pay increase when he accepted his present job two years ago, and we should see it in the next paycheck. 
• It also looks as if we have another expense as we are planning to enroll the Princess in a science class for the next school year, but more on that later. 
• Also, my husband's van has so many miles on it all I can do is pray that my Lord holds it to together for the next year or two. 

The money stuff has not really let up and it will not. I really have to stop thinking in terms of an end to the struggle, because there is no real end in that battle, just pauses. We have to get the house fixed, and then another van probably, and then there is college...on and on it goes. My husband's raise is half spoken for because of the science class tuition and the other (and more, probably) will go to increase in health insurance costs at the beginning of next year thanks to Obamacare. (See how much I just need to take a breather now and then.)

Because of all this, I was not feeling that sense of finality or even accomplishment, just a shift in the trenches. I can deal with that, but when I feel disconnected from my husband and my roller coaster tween, all this apparently is enough to give me a pain in the butt make my nervous system react in very negative ways...and so it did.

My Lord and I have been talking. My husband and I had a few talks the past couple of weeks and we are now communicating much better, in part because he is home more so that we can. My daughter is still roller coasting, so I make the most of the mid range up to the highs when I can and try to be patient on her dips. Even though it has only been the past two days, my pain is diminishing. YAY! I even did gardening this weekend and afterward used my machine (another one of my alternative health care secrets) at the end of the day, which seems to now be improving the hip problem.

~ Thank you, my Lord, for restoring me, rejuvenating relationships, and relieving me from the pain I have had. You truly are loving and amazing, my Lord. ~

What Proverbs 31 Does Not Say

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ~Galatians 3:26

There is an idealism that has taken deep roots particularly with Christian homeschooling families and that is woven in many books on homeschooling. It is somewhere between Complementarianism and Biblical or Christian Patriarchy, leaning mostly toward the latter. I personally felt the draw of it a decade ago and seriously considered if I had been missing out on blessings for not covering my head or just wearing jeans, instead of long skirts all the time, or treating my husband as lord of the manor. Why I did not crossover to this lifestyle was because I did not feel convicted by my Lord to do so and I prayed sincerely about this often for about two years, yet at the same time, as I read books by Christian authors on homeschooling, I felt almost convinced that I should feel convicted by the Lord and I just was not hearing Him. Sometimes it is difficult to discern what is from God and what is man's addition to God's Law, even the Pharisees were convinced of their righteousness until Jesus came along.

The thing is when I do not trust my own judgement, I do not turn my trust to the judgement of others either, but I prefer to go to the Source. The only One who is truly trustworthy and knows exactly what He wants from me. The only One who has the right to convict me and no need to convince me...well, sometimes I can be rather reluctant, but this post is not about that. God just was not saying for me to embrace either philosophy.

Perception is always interesting to me. I could write about every verse in Proverbs 31 in detail, as other bloggers have, but I would rather address the parts that are looked over as being irrelevant today and what it does not say, but many mistakenly think it does.

It does not say that the mother should homeschool her children or instruct any children in academics. Was it even allowed that Hebrew women were taught to read then? It also does not say that a man is to expect his wife to be his servant and the man to handle all the financial decisions. In fact, it states the wife considers a field, buys it, and plants a vineyard (verse 16), which sounds to me like she manages finances and it also does not say how or even if her husband is involved at all in such a decision.

The Proverbs 31 wife has servants (verse 15). Now it does not say she must have servants, it is just assumed that she does and that she should give portions of food to them after her household, of which servants are not a part apparently, so the household would be the woman's family. I personally do not have any servants and I do not know any Christian women who do, but it does not say "if" she has servants, so maybe we are suppose to have servants and are not doing our Biblical duty if we do not?

It also states very clearly that the Proverbs 31 wife spins as that was for what the distaff and spindle were used (verse 19). Well, I did see a Christian woman at a spindle at a historical reenactment once, but I do not know any Christian women personally, who even own a distaff and spindle let alone know how to use one.

I know a few Christian women who sew, but not many and I think it would be rare to find those who make linen garments and sell them (verse 24). If every Christian woman supplied belts to the tradesmen, I think there would be no market for belts left in just a few days. All that aside though, how can we be the Christian wives we are meant to be if we do not follow this Biblical standard?

Oh, I love this one too. It states that women should wear purple (verse 22) and their families should wear red (verse 21). Even the Amish are missing out on this one!

I could go on, but I am sure you get the picture now. Cultures change. While I take the Bible literally, I cannot ignore that some things are written for the culture at that time and Proverbs 31 was advice to a son in choosing a wife of that time, rather than God given duties for women of all time to live by, as some use them. I would also point out that Proverbs 31 says nothing of the woman loving the Lord with all her heart or serving her husband like a servant would. It talks of a woman making the clothing, but not about laundering and mending—maybe that is what the servants were for? I strongly believe that the general concepts of the Proverbs 31 wife are still desirable, but not the specific duties as stated.

The question then is what parts of the Bible are culturally related and what ones are not, therein is the division of certain Christian ideals. I personally believe that there are differences in the genders, but just because my husband is a man I would not deprive him of his love of cooking. It just so happens that cooking is something I rarely enjoy and who but God could better balance one's dislike for a thing than choosing a spouse who would love it?

Now let's us look at what Paul wrote to the Galatians that definitely was not based on the culture of that time, but all cultures for all time:

But before faith came, we were kept in custody under the law, being shut up to the faith which was later to be revealed. Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor. For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ~Galatians 3:23-26

Something changed with the coming of Christ in regards to the law. The law was to be our tutor to lead us to Christ, but we are no longer under the law because all believers are sons of God: there is neither male or female. Not there will be neither male or female as in heaven, but that there is, in this present time under faith, no difference between the genders. There is equality.

Years ago now, I used to have severe back pain and could do so little. My husband washed, folded, and put way the laundry; prepared meals; washed dishes; cleaned whatever needed cleaning; helped me get around; and worked 60 to 90 hours a week for his job outside of our home. He never thought that the work he did at home was work for only women. He thought of it as what was necessary to be done and I was unable to do. No job is beneath him and because of this and his love for God, he is a man is completely worthy of my respect and trust.

When my back was healed, I did most of the housework and managing our finances (which I like to do) with the exception of making investments, but my husband still does his laundry after he returns from a business trip and he likes to cook, which he finds relaxing, and I still like for him to cook! No, he could never have birthed and nursed babies as only a woman could, but most everything else is a matter of necessity, personal preference, and ability between us. He likes to work on cars and I do not, but neither of us would think of it as wrong if it was the other way around and the Bible does not tell us whether being a car mechanic is woman's or man's work. Our perceptions on that are cultural and, although I readily admit that in general men seem more interested in mechanics than women, I also think more women would be if it was not thought culturally to be a man thing also.

As I see it the Bible was not written so that we would aspire to have cookie-cutter Christian families and Stepford-like wives or husbands, but to be a guide to Christ. What duty each performs does not have any bearing on who is the head of the family, even Jesus washed his disciples feet after walking with them all day! As long as the couple surrender to His reign over the marriage and the family, the who does what duty in and out of the home is of so little importance...except to those who prefer to live under the law (or laws not even defined in the Bible) instead of under faith.

~ My Lord, a family is such a precious gift and we each have our duties to each other in service to You. Guide us to do all according to Your will only and love You with all our hearts above all things. ~

Façade in Degrade

Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good. ~John Milton

Today I kissed my husband good-bye not knowing when I will see him next. He usually does not work weekends, but he worked part of last weekend and all the weekend before that...and now this one. He thought about mowing the grass on Wednesday since he was home for Independence Day, but we decided to have a fried chicken and apple pie picnic in the cool of our living room and watch "The Patriot" and then "Independence Day" although we did have to blank out a few scenes on the latter.

I have this personal code: carpe diem (seize the day). I try to do what I can today or in this moment, because those things put off or forgotten and might not get done to pile up upon other undone tasks and most likely will absolutely need to be done at an even less convenient time. I do not always fulfill my ideal, but experience has proven that I suffer the consequences when I do not. So, we came out of the week of the dry heat wave to normal temperatures and humidity with everyday showers and now some of the grass is up to my knees. I would mow it, but my husband is adamant that he does not want me to do it. So there it is. I get to pick off the ticks from our pets and watch the grass grow even higher while my husband works far away with the promise that when he returns, he will cut the grass himself...whenever that will be.

It is really not the grass that is an issue. Our lawn in serious need of mowing is just an visual analogy of what I have been trying to not tell my husband for the last few years...although I have told him; I mean that I do not say it as often as I think it. I cannot count on him, not because he is the lazy sort, but because he is the hardworking sort. Customers request him because he gets the job done right and he is honest. The more trouble the customer is, the more likely it will be he they send to work at the account to not only fix the machine, but make the customer happy. He is good at it--very good at it. He asked his new boss if she could give him a break from all the traveling and start sending out some of the newer guys more as they need the experience. He was certain he would be in town this week because of a medical leave and vacation days being taken by the others working here, but...things change.

Things always seem to change from one day to the next, sometimes even one hour to the next. When my husband mentions he will be in town or will work at home to get his paperwork done, I no longer hold my breath, but rather just roll my eyes. It is not that I do not want to believe it, but I am afraid I will and with that comes an expectation. With every expectation is the possibility of disappointment, but if I do not expect it to happen, there is no disappointment, and the possibility of being pleasantly surprised. Yes, this way I have few disappointments, and I am sad to say also few surprises, but generally this how I keep my marriage on the upside.

Still, there are days, like today, when I am loosing my façade and I am keenly aware of how lonely I am becoming. It may be just a short phase. I have them now and then. Ups and downs. Good days and bad days. It may just be that I expect my husband to be home on weekends and now am dealing with the disappointment I try so hard to avoid. This is all compounded by a tween on test runs of puberty's emotional roller-coaster. This morning started out with me feeling like a lonely wife and frazzled mama. I know other women deal with this also and I am thankful that many women have not had to do so. My aunt and my mother-in-law had husbands that worked close to home especially while they were raising their children. Looking through the eyes of my abused childhood, I saw theirs as model families that I hoped to have for my daughter. The Princess will not have that same kind of family life, but this morning she stopped talking in a disrespectful tone and realized that her parents were upset, without any angry words spoken. She does not fully understand why, probably because these things so rarely seem to bother me, but this is one of those bad days when I am disappointed, when I want things to be different, when I feel helpless to change it, and I am not understanding God's purpose and faltered in my faith of it.

I should share my feelings, talk them out, and my closest friends know I do this too much of the time, but then I feel terribly guilty. I don't want anyone to think that anything is wrong or that my husband is neglectful or that we have marriage problems, because what problems we have are really minor (often the very ones to which I am talking have far worse). Ours are usually from poor communication, which happens more easily when a couple are apart for long periods, and are usually resolve with just a good talk between us. I don't like complaining about or making fun of my husband, like other wives seem to do. I know for a fact that not all men are alike as I have heard some women say. My husband is a better man than I would have chosen for myself. Really! I asked my Lord to choose my husband for me because I had such lousy taste in men. My Lord chose well for us both, of course, but with him came such things as his line of work. It has changed through the years with more and more traveling, but in that there must be purpose, even in how it will shape the Princess. I am certain God has purpose for all of it.

Now my daughter is being loving and gentle, the young lady I know that she wants to be showing the goodness in her heart. It is easier for her to be so when we are not doing any lessons. We are not homeschooling this week as she had Horse Day Camp on Monday, the horse barn on Tuesday, holiday on Wednesday, and errands and piano lessons on Thursday, so today we will be working on reorganizing and cleaning up. She wanted to clean up her room and closet. I wanted to weed gardens and reorganize the homeschool area. So, enough of my whining! It is time. Carpe diem.

~ My Lord, thank you for Your purpose. May I be more willing to accept it so that I can better enjoy my duties and this day.~

When Threre's Too Much To Do...

When there's too much to do
Don't let it bother you, forget your troubles,
Try to be just like a cheerful chick-a-dee
And whistle while you work
Come on get smart, tune up and start
To whistle while you work.
~Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 1937

This week I prepared for a seasonal consignment sale, one I have not done in previous years but have shopped. The problem the last few years is the one I have been doing in the fall is very late in the season and I just did not sell much two years in a row. I think it is because shoppers have already done most of their shopping by then, so this year I was determined to sell in two earlier sales and see how I do at them. My drop off time is tomorrow late afternoon for the first one and next week I take what is left over to the second one.

Having gone through the Princess's wardrobe, there is not much that she needs this season, because I bought too much in larger sizes last year and she did not grow that much. One of her friends is seven years old and they are just about the same size, so other than shoes and socks, she does not need much of anything. I will look for some some special stuff, but I will be selling more than buying this time around...I hope I will be selling more at least.

I am hoping the sales will offset the cost of the Landmark books I bought from a friend recently. I received three large boxes with 78 books. I had to clear two 36-inch long shelves in my homeschool bookcase. Some of the no-longer-needed homeschool materials were listed for the consignment sale, but some I am holding on for a bit longer as we finish up and others, like readers, I will box up to give to the Princess for her children.

I still have a couple of book sets to find a home for and the shelves in the Princess' bedroom are overflowing with books as well...sigh! She does love to read though. I often catch her trying to hide a book under her covers when she should be sleeping. I am very thankful for that, but then I have to be a parent, because tomorrow morning begins a new day with morning chores and lessons.

I am getting side-tracked.

My husband planned to have Thursday and Friday off as comp time for working through last weekend, but at the last minute he had to work Thursday and would take Monday off. That would have been fine as the Princess and I have errands and her piano lesson, but as I was within ten minutes of leaving the house, the piano teacher called to say not to come and not only that but asked if I would stay with her the night because she had not slept in a week and nothing was helping her to sleep, even things she had used successfully in the past. My husband came home late that night and I kissed my daughter good-bye saying I would see her the next day.

She has been away with her father for a trip to Florida years ago and her father is often away. However, this was the very first time that she was home and I was not. It felt strange.

I stayed up talking with my friend and praying over her. She finally seemed sleepy, so we said good-night very late. I woke with the sun and read a book until I heard her stirring near 10:00 AM. Yes, she had finally slept. I stayed a couple more hours and arrived home at 1:00 PM to a very talkative Princess...as if I had been gone for so very long.

Saturday we all rested most of the day. I should have done many other things but I read most of the day.

Sunday was our 24th Wedding Anniversary so I decided to wear my wedding dress to church. It is a white cotton, tea-length, A-line dress, not fancy with lace and pearls as one would expect, but simple and comfortable. A couple of the women unknowingly mentioned it looked like a wedding dress and I confirmed it had been. (My husband is certain I have alienated the women at my church for certain now since I still fit into my wedding dress from nearly a quarter of a century ago.)

As a family, we did an outing today that I will post separately after I go through the photos.

The rest of this week I have to make mayonnaise, ranch dressing, granola, and yogurt. I need to pickle sweet peppers as we have so many banana peppers. Just over a week ago, I cut up my pickle-sized cucumbers and let them pickle in the left over sweet pickle juice; they taste delicious! Right now I have too many zucchinis and large cucumbers, so I have to decide on what to do with them. We made our first rabbit meat pie this week and it was quite tasty. (Honestly, most people would not have been able to tell it was rabbit as it does taste so much like chicken.)

Homeschooling has been going much better, but we got off schedule because of the days my husband took off and not having the needed library-borrowed book on New Jersey, but generally I am very pleased with our new approach.

So, I am a busy woman, but not frazzled I am both surprised and very pleased to say! Now if I could just catch up on the housework...(whistling).

~ My Lord, thank you for the little ways I can save us money so that we can spend a bit extra for outings like we did today. Help us all to be very careful with our time as well. Help us to keep our priorities, Your priorities. And thank you for giving my friend the ability to sleep again. Please help her to fully recuperate soon. ~

What Made the Screaming, Crazy Woman Run Down the Street

Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI. ~Fred Kwan in Galaxy Quest (1999)

You might be wondering who is the crazy woman...? That would be me.

This picture is not me, but it is how I feel.

I am trying to sort it all out.

I suppose I should start at the beginning...but I don't really know when it began.

I just know what brought it to the end.

I was trying to French braid the Princess' long, extra silky hair as she had asked and she was fidgeting again. Stray strands of hair were being pulled out of my fingers and not going where they needed to. Mind you, I was already frazzled from two major episodes earlier, one centered around fractions and another on reading aloud, so it was inevitable, I suppose, that I just could not get her hair to cooperate easily. I had to start over twice telling her to stop messing around both times and when it happened again for the third time, I simply said I was not going to braid her hair and I would not be going out to eat either.

My husband's flight from Boston was delayed last night and when he came in the door at 8:00 PM instead of 6:00 PM and asked if I was ready to go out to eat, he was stunned when I calmly said I was not going, but for him to take his daughter and go. He sat down and asked what was wrong...and I fell apart...with tears.

• Maybe it is a mid-life crisis.
• Maybe it is homeschooling a child, who has no appreciation for lessons.
• Maybe it is her rude interruptions that she continues to do even after she has been warned over and over.
• Maybe it is when I tell her to stop doing something, she does it one more time...EVERY TIME!
• Maybe it is the sassy, snappy, and sometimes witty comebacks of hers that wear me down.
• Maybe it is the state of affairs in the world, particularly with Israel, our national debt, and the upcoming presidential election.
• Maybe it is that I feel alone too much of the time because my husband travels so much.
• Maybe I feel I am just a complainer and that is where my daughter gets it too.
• Maybe I ruining the child...all that she is doing is because I am failing as a mother.
• Maybe I am just tired because I never sleep as well when my husband is away...even though I have done this for over three years now and he used to travel even more.
• Maybe I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities as wife and mother let alone homemaker and homeschooling parent.
• Maybe I need a two week vacation away, but obviously that is not going to happen so why even mention it.

My husband knows me. He knows when I am in meltdown and I am way too complicated to pin it on any one particular incident. He asked me why I did not tell him earlier, before things had gotten so bad for me.

Why, indeed? Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk? That is where I have been of late. I talk too much. The other question in my mind: Would anyone really miss my chatter if I just stopped? Maybe I have talked so much that I have bored people to death! Maybe I bore myself to death. Maybe I just should stop talking altogether...? Instead of fasting food, I could take a vow of silence for a few days, or partial silence for part of a day...?

Okay, let's get real here.

I said there is little he can do when he is away. He then said that he can still listen to me. Then I confessed him that when I tell him about the problems I am having with the Princess, I feel very foolish. When I boil it down, all I see is a fifty-year-old woman basically complaining that she cannot control and outwit her own a ten-year-old child. Surely, he remembers how many times over the years have we heard parents complain about their children, when we could easily see the solution was in the parents changing how they were doing things?

Although at first he felt it was rewarding her for bad behavior, my husband did take the Princess out to eat so that I could have time alone. I really did not want time alone, just distance between the Princess and me. I really wanted time with my husband alone and I do not get much of that having an only child with no family around. Anyway, I made the most of the time. I ate a wonderful salad just the way I like it at home and talked a bit with my Lord and watched a sci-fi show on Hulu.

When my love came home, we talked and talked and talked until well into the early morning, like we used to do long years ago when we were in the first years of our marriage. I said this was going to make for a rough morning. He mentioned sleeping in, but he knows that is not so easy for me to do...typically. I woke at 5:30 AM as I usually do, but decided not to get out of bed with just over three hours sleep. The next time I awakened, my daughter was crawling onto the bed in between us, so it must have been around 7:00 AM. I must have fallen asleep again, because when I awakened again it was just after 8:00 AM and the bedroom door was closed so no noises would disturb me. I came out to find them having breakfast, after having done the morning chores, and had some myself.

It has been kind of like having the day off, at least for this morning. I am feeling better and getting a better perspective on life again. My husband is kid-wrangling right now as they went for his hair cut and shopping so I will have a good portion of the afternoon to myself. I may even take a nap.

Actually, I have been hearing a small voice in me to take off the next two weeks from homeschooling, so the Princess and I can really clean the house and pursue our other interests. Maybe we both need it. I think that is what we will do.

~ My Lord, please help me to find the path You would have me take so that my heart can again be at peace. Let my words be of worth, not just to me, but to the people with whom I talk. Help me to be a better mother and wife to the ones I love the most. ~

A Perfect Marriage

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. ~C.S. Lewis

I have started writing on this subject several times, deleted some of it, and rewrote it several more. I suppose it is an important topic to me because I have a soft spot for marriages, more to the point, for mentoring young wives and mothers, wives and mothers of any age with troubled marriages, and even single ladies who wish to be married. I am not sure what my Lord wants me to do with it exactly because we have a very small church and the women's ministry that is doing well. What I would like to do is a bit more specialized and perhaps not a large group ministry type of thing.

About two years ago we had more members in our church and some were having martial problems. The pastor began a Sunday night study based on Fireproof, a Christian movie about a couple whose marriage was falling apart. I remember one of the questions asked in the first part of the study was if anyone had a "perfect marriage." Immediately, everyone rolled their eyes and shifted in their seats: young and old, short term and long term couples, couples who had only been married once and couples had been divorced and remarried. Everyone had the same reaction and everyone agreed that there was no such thing as a "perfect marriage." Everyone, that is, but me.

Perhaps my motivation was that I have this aversion to going along with the crowd, or that I like to shock people so they will consider different ideas on the subject, or maybe I just see things from a different perspective. In all honesty, I myself am not always certain of my reasons, but I was praying it out to make sure whatever the reason that it would be to serve my Lord's purpose. So, I hesitated in giving my opinion as I sorted it out until after most everyone else had voiced their opinion on the matter. Then I said something to the effect that I believed in the perfect marriage but my expectations of a perfect marriage probably differs from the expectations of everyone else.

You see, I believe a perfect marriage is not where the couple never argues and gets along all the time and is always in agreement. To me, the perfect marriage is about good communication and sometimes there will be a bit of arguing. In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry is frustrated with his client, Rod Tidwell, who says: "See, man, that's the difference between us. You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking!" If done with respect and with the goal of not just expressing one's thoughts but relating them so the other will understand the motives behind the thoughts, arguing, to me, is just working out some kinks in communication. I rather not argue, but I do not see it as an evil thing that will split my marriage apart. Some of our arguments end with laughter, some have involved door slamming, most ended with an apology, but all of them never really end until both of us felt that the other understood why we held the position we did on the matter, even if we still disagreed. Some would call that agreeing to disagree, which is a term that I personally find irritating, but it works for some people, I suppose. I do not have a term for it; I just consider it a part of life that my ideas will not always meet with approval from everyone else, including my husband.

Set aside the arguments, a perfect marriage is simply one based on the Lord being Master of over the couple, family, and home. Between the couple, there is trust, respect, compassion, and edification—you probably noticed I did not write "love" in that list.

Most people think love is necessary for a good marriage and I agree on that point, but I do not agree with most people about what love is. In truth, love is a choice. It is choosing to be committed to a person each day regardless of how life turns out. To me, it is not a feeling, for feelings change; I have fallen in love with my husband many times, which means that I have often not felt "in love" with him, and yet I have always loved him.

Love places a binding connection between people that can never be severed even when the two part ways completely. Ask anyone who has been divorced about their ex-spouse. I have known many people who did not have children and after their divorce had nothing to do with their former spouses, yet I can still hear the remnants of love, that unsevered connection, when they talk of them. Whether good or bad or even feigned indifference, there is still an underlying emotional connection, if only one of regret.

Anyone who has lived through abuse knows that love can be twisted into a confining straitjacket or manipulative puppet strings. Some would say that is not real love, but it is love that binds us into such situations at least in the beginning, because one can love and not be loved back; it is always a hurtful situation for the one loving the other who does not reciprocate even when the relationship is pleasant.

I once knew a Christian woman whose drinking husband ridiculed her beliefs and generally made her life miserable. She stayed with him and prayed for him. She felt the Lord wanted her to continue in the marriage and try to help him see Christ in her sacrifice and service to his cruel and demanding ways. I wish I could say the story had a happy ending, but the truth is I moved away and we did not stay in touch. I used to think she was just crazy, but I was very young then. I have changed my mind on that issue, because I since have seen some marriages just like hers completely changed by my Lord's Hand and, if not the marriage, the believing person in it. This woman kept her focus on God even though her home was at times a punishing place. She relied on Him more for her emotional needs than on her situation or any person, and it gave others the opportunity to minster to her also. She trusted Him more on a daily basis to provide the love she needed than most people with good marriages. So, I see that she had something that I may have lacked at the time and, if our goal is to keep our focus on God, to trust Him completely, and grow in discipleship, then we should have Paul's attitude when he was in prison of thanking God for all of it and rejoice when suffering because we are being purified.

My husband and I had a very rocky start to our marriage even though I was certain God had chosen him for me. The first three years...we often say that the wedding was x years ago, but the marriage started x - 3 years ago. Those first three years seem unreal to me now, and I am still not sure how either one of us survived it. We both had more than the average baggage from our pasts and some of it was still involved in our lives right then also. My husband nearly had a breakdown while he was losing the battle in seeing his daughter and I felt I was ignored and alone holding on to a sheer cliff by my fingernails trying not to fall back into an abysmal depression, as I had just a few years before. However, with God's guidance through that time we grew very close and we learned to communicate. My husband knew I would not leave him when things got rough and I knew that he would place me before his own interests. Eventually those wounds inflicted by our former lives healed, fusing us in marriage together with God. That was when we began to realize we had a perfect marriage.

A perfect marriage does not just happen. In truth, our perfect marriage did not really begin three years after the wedding; it began the day I asked my Lord to provide the man He wanted me to marry and that I would not rely on my own judgment but His only. My husband was not saved during those years, although both he and I thought he was. He will tell you that he asked the Lord into his heart because of our marriage and the next six months things changed significantly. Our marriage had to be refined and is still being refined.

The perfect marriage is not an unattainable goal, nor is it an easy marriage, nor is it ever stagnant; it is an ever-changing living entity created by a man and a woman seeking to please their Perfect God. The perfect marriage is the one that serves God's purpose and helps us to see God's purpose and helps us to desire God's purpose, even if only one person in the marriage is willing to accept this.

Lately, I have been asked to pray about some troubled marriages, some families I know and some I do not. From the ones I know, I hear things like "I am fed up..." or "He/She did [this and this and that]," such things, no doubt, that I once said myself. I do not hear surrendering the marriage to the Lord or the willingness to accept the Lord's purification of the marriage and these are indicators to me when even Christian marriages are falling apart. I hear things that cause more and deeper wounds to both themselves and their spouses and their children. I hear hate-filled hearts. And, there are times when even I think the couple or their children would be better off if the couple would separate...but that is very difficult for me to admit because I do not agree with divorce, even though (or perhaps especially because) I have been divorced. However, the decision is not one that should be made on how one feels. Love as a feeling is a wickedly volatile vapor and divorce never severs the binding connection of love.

I do not have all the answers about what makes a perfect marriage, but this one thing I do know: All wounds can be healed, fusing the couple in marriage with God, but if God is not the focus, if the "what I want in a marriage" has priority to what God wants or has provided in the marriage, then it is not serving God's purpose and one must get his/her heart right with God first, before one will accept how He will purify and perfect the marriage.

~ My Lord, thank you for purifying my marriage, for making it perfect. Help us to honor You in our marriage always. ~

Today is...

Love is the only gold. ~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Today is... just one more day to love our God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, and love our neighbor as ourselves!

Today is... my 23rd anniversary. (Obviously, we will not be eating out to celebrate.)

Today is... the 34th day of our church's 40-day fast. (Just six more days!)

Today is... the Princess' allowance day.

Today is... the day that my husband and I are finally installing the new front door with the lovely leaded glass window (after it has been leaning against a support in our garage for unknown years).

Today is... the day of the church board meeting so my husband will be gone all morning.

Today is... the day I will probably have do some house cleaning and laundry.

Today is... the day before my husband will be leaving to work in Orlando for a day or two.

Today is... the day I realized I have a rash on my neck, probably from the poison ivy I have been cutting back carefully (perhaps not carefully enough). I rarely get it and when I do it is usually just a small blister here and there—except for my neck for some reason, where it becomes a very red rash.

Today is... the day I need to really practice the song I was preparing to sing for tomorrow's church service, although I am not sure it will be ready for tomorrow right now, and now I have that lovely rash too!

Today is... the day I would just rather spend the entire day in prayer in the peace and quiet of my "private prayer corner" of my bedroom.

Above all this, today is... Your day, my Lord, what would You have me (us) do with it to serve and glorify you?

~ My Lord, thank you for my husband, my daughter, my family, my church, my friends, my very life. Thank you for Your Love that provides all that I will ever need. ~

Switching Gears with Comings and Goings

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
~Andre Maurois

By now those of you, who read my blog regularly, know that my husband travels quite a bit. This is a job he has had for only two years. (I have to say here that have always appreciated the sacrifices military families make, but I now have a greater understanding of what they must go through being apart as they must be.) The job he had before for many years was one were he was on-call after regular business hours as a field service engineer, who worked on high speed printers, which run 24/7 so they can breakdown at any time in the night.

My husband's work schedule then has always been one to keep me on my toes. Whenever he was on-call, he might be home or I might not see much him at all for the entire week. I became so used to this lifestyle that it got to the point that I no longer even heard his beeper go off (when beepers were used) or his cell phone while I slept, and he was so adept in dressing quietly in the dark that I did not even notice he had left my side or heard the car start up. Even our dogs learned to follow him around quietly and then come back to lie down when he left. I cannot give a count of the times he was just going to bed when I was getting up, or how I was just going to bed when he got a call to go out, or that he just drove in the the driveway to drive right back out, or just got into bed to have to leave again, or that he worked during the day and did not come home at all until the next day to eat a meal and sleep.

Often, when he was home, he was tired and understandably so for he always worked some unscheduled overtime. It was rather customary that several times each week that he would call saying go ahead with supper as he would be late. It was not that uncommon for him to work up to 50 extra hours in one week. Now, my husband is a patient (more so that I am), practical (for the most part), and highly principled (quoting my mother here) man, but when a person is sleep deprived and eats irregularly timed meals, he is just not at his best. I, thankfully, learned to lower my expectations of him when he worked so many hours, even though my husband still considers me a high-maintenance kind of woman.

After around 25 years with one company bought out by another three times and keeping his benefits of seniority, my husband was let go of that job at the beginning of December in 2007, about 2½ years ago. (What happened then is story worth writing at another time.) After being out of work for almost five months, he was hired for his current job.

This job was nearly at his same base pay, but it was salaried—no possible overtime. There also would be no company car, as he had always had in the past, so it was going to be difficult with just one car. Then there was the traveling: he would be traveling so that he would be away from home from Monday morning to Friday evening most of the time and then he could be away for weeks, including weekends for special shows or training.

Now from one point of view, my husband is not home as much, but when he is home, he is generally in a better mood and better rested. He is careful to go to hotels with better beds for his back and he is not on-call to leave at a moment's notice in the middle of the night; in other words, for the first time in decades, he can sleep nights. I don't know that I see him any less than I did before and we actually have weekends together most of the time, so we can make real plans, which was not the case before.

It is a bit more difficult for the Princess in some ways. There is not the day-to-day last minute disappointment for our daughter that her father will not be home that evening or not able to go to church with us, however we go through this emotional roller-coaster that begins with saying good-bye to her daddy at the airport or car rental place until we again see him.

After two years of this, you would think it I would be used to all the nuances associated with it. We laughingly tell people we met on the phone and so we have always done well with being apart like this as long as we can talk on the phone, which is true for the most part. What I was not really prepared to handle was having full responsibility of everything when he is away. It is not like he is at a customer account just an hour or two away as before when the Princess and I were in a car accident (again, another story for another time)....Oh, no! Instead, he is hours away in Canada, New York, California, Israel, Mexico, etc. When he is in another country we cannot really talk to each other much either.

And, just when I am feeling somewhat comfortable (as if that is even possible for me) with the lone-parent-in-charge-of-everything thing, the man is back home. I cannot tell you how many times he looks at me directly and says "I'm home now and I can handle this," when I take charge of something he is right there to do himself.

We all have to switch gears nearly every week. Thankfully, he has been home since Tuesday night and is scheduled (although such things can change) to be home next week as well. I am happily switching gears again, but his last trip was particularly hard because he was gone on an important holiday. The Princess has not wanted to do lessons since his return and, frankly, I do not blame her as I feel the same, so we have been struggling with each other through the subject she likes the least: math.

Today I finally admitted to my husband how lonely I have been feeling lately and he admitted to me how tired he has been because his job has been very demanding lately, so he has not been his best when we have talked on the phone. One thing we know about ourselves, everything around us can fall apart (and a great deal has at times), but we are fine as long as we are communicating well with each other and neither one of us lets problems in that area go on for too long...perhaps that is why my loves-to-fix-things man and his high-maintenance wife do so well together.

~ Thank you, my Lord, for my husband, for my marriage. ~

It Will Never be Boring

There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther

Years ago, I was at a point in my life that I did not trust my judgment so I surrendered it to my Lord. I asked the Lord to provide the one He wanted me to marry.

Immediately, I met someone--someone, whom I would not have chosen for myself. We were supposed to go on double date with a mutual friend, but it never happened. The friend did give my phone number so that is how I first met my husband. He had a very nice voice and we talked a long time. We talked a few times before we actually met in person. I think we actually fell in love over the phone before we knew what each other looked like. Less than a year later, we married.

It was challenging to stay together the first years. There were times I was just barely holding on with my fingernails and I am sure he had feelings I would rather not know also. Through the years he would always remind me that he first promised our marriage would never be boring and it hasn't been.

Today is our 22nd Anniversary!

~ My Lord, thank you for knowing what I needed better than I did and providing it to me through my husband. ~

Changing My Expectations

I don't have expectations. Expectations in your life just lead to giant disappointments. ~Michael Landon

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations. ~Elliott Larson

A wise man once told me that to change something in someone else, you have to change something in yourself. It worked so well that I married him. Well, to be quite honest, it worked after we were married the most and the practice of it is what saved our marriage in the first three, rather turbulent, years.

I am the type of person who could take an argument to the death, in a manner of speaking. I would lose sight of my objective and just try to win, which resulted in me losing...with my husband. I could win and feel more unsatisfied than before. It took me some time—too long a time, really—to understand that my underlying objective was not winning the argument, it was to win my husband's heart. Back then my husband would say that I had control issues, but I would say I had a trust issue: I didn't trust him to be in control because he would not trust me and listen to my counsel.

That is what I really wanted: to trust him and he, me. In my twisted mind, I thought if I win the argument he will see that I am right and he will eventually trust me. What I failed to see at the time was that we were both demanding trust from the other. Demanding a person to trust you never really works. Like a puppy chasing its tail, we were chasing a dream that would constantly elude us. Worse, the things we both wanted the most--respect, trust, and love—were the very things being destroyed in our futile attempts to demand them.

In essence, we were both demanding for the other to change, but we were not changing ourselves. Isn't that the way of human nature? Give in to me and then maybe I will trust you? Then there is the Lord, Who asks of us to accept His nature instead. Jesus wrapped up every command, every law the Lord had ever given into two simple ones: Matthew 22:37-40

And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord our God will all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

Did I really love my husband? Well, I certainly loved him when it was easy to love him. That is not what Jesus meant though, was it?

Jesus also commanded me to love my enemy, Matthew 5:43-47. He obviously meant that I was to love my husband even when he was unlovable, just like I would like him to love me when I was being unlovable. That meant that I would show him love even when he showed none back. For that to really work, I would have to release him from the expectations I had about how he should treat me to prove his love or even that he would love me at all. I would need to just love him whether or not he gave any indication at all that he loved me. I would have to stop trying to make him see my side for him to want to see my side. This was not something I would do short term or even with the expectation that I would get what I really wanted. This had to be a true commitment. (Sigh.)

What I came to learn was that releasing my husband of the expectations I had placed on him gave me nothing to be angry about regardless of how he behaved. Even if he wanted to argue, I had no need to do the same. I did not wish to argue, I wish to be loved. This was not apathy, it was focus on a goal and, oddly, freedom.

That is the secret. When I really have no expectations on other people, I am not controlled by the very expectations I placed on them. In other words, if I expected my husband to clean up the kitchen sink because he made it a mess and he did not fulfill my expectation, even if he did not know it, then I would feel compelled to react. Without the expectation, there is no disappointment. There is no anger. There is no injury. There is no reason to blame. There is no reason to even grumble. There is freedom to choose to just clean it myself or not to. Simple.

Eventually, we had nothing much to argue about. Eventually, we learned to really trust each other. Eventually, we both really respected each other. Eventually, there was no question that we really loved each other.

I cannot say that I have no expectations whatsoever on my husband these days—we always expect more from those we respect, trust, and love the most and he qualifies—but they are more reasonable expectations, I think. I don't expect him to know my unspoken expectations, although one will slip by me once in while. The moment things begin to heat up, I ask myself if I am upset because he did not meet one of my expectations and, if that is it (most of the time it is), was it fair to him, or did he even know I had that expectation (most of the time that is a "no").

I have applied this philosophy to all my relationships and I must say that I do not get hurt by other people very often now, certainly much less often than I have in the past. I have learned that the real freedom from being disappointed and hurt is not loving less or pulling away, but to have less expectations on others. That way I can enjoy the person for who he or she is, rather than what I want the person to be to me.

I changed something in myself. I have chosen not to have expectations so that I have the freedom give my respect, my trust, and my love to whomever I chose without concerns about whether or not they are deserving. It is a lifelong commitment, but then didn't my Lord do the same for me? For you?

My Lord, thank you for showing me how to release my expectations on others and for understanding the blessing it gives to me. May others in need of this freedom from their expectations be given this gift.