Other things may change us, but we start and end with family. ~Anthony Brandt
This event has caused me to reflect a bit on when my mother past on one year ago on January 24th and the saddest part...it really had no impact on my life. I detest how cold it sounds, but during the past year I did not grieve, I have no regrets, and I am not in denial. My mother and I had very little in common. I had an abusive father, whom she also feared, which was stronger than her motherly instincts to protect her children. Except for fleeting moments that remain dear to me, I don't remember feeling any closeness to her since I started first grade at five years old. Still, when one loses a mother at any age, at least some feeling of loss is expected, regardless of most troubles there has been in the relationship, but for me, the relationship with my mother died, for the last time, when I announced my pregnancy.
I never really understood her reaction to the news. It was too bizarre to have any rational reasoning supporting it. There was a time when she was pressing me to have her grandchild and I had very bad back problems. (Back Pain) She had done this for years, but at the time it was quite inappropriate. I finally told her to not mention anything about me having children; it was not only unlikely that I would have children, but I did not want any, which was quite true at that time with our circumstances: back problems, other family stresses, finances, no room where we lived, etc.
I suppose she took me at my word and assumed I never would change my mind as our circumstances changed. However, I did and I had been telling her for a year that we were trying to have a baby, so it really should have been no surprise when I finally became pregnant...but it was...quite apparently.
I had made a terrible error. I broke a personal rule about having expectations with my mother that had kept the peace between us for over nearly ten years. (Changing My Expectations) I had expected her to be happy about the news. While she had not mentioned children to me in all those years, I believed that she still desired for me to have her grandchild...but I had not factored into the simple equation that my mother holds grudges; sadly, in her walk with the Lord, she did not learn how to forgive and forget. And, I was so angry for her acting like the baby I was carrying inside of me was some kind of disease, something she just could not accept.
I had waited until we had our first house with room for us all, until we were financially ready, until our relationship was stable, and until my back had been in good shape for a few years. We had tried upon occasion before, but it did not happen. Now I was about to turn 40 years old, still two years younger than my mother was when she had her last child and she was not in that good of health. My health was excellent and the pregnancy went very well. Above all that, my Lord had told me quite clearly when I would be pregnant and I had related the story to my mother, but she just did not see the Lord's will in all this.
Unfortunately, two things happened during the pregnancy, my husband's sister died and I was terribly angry with my mother for how she continued to treat me. Right after the baby was born, I finally told her not to call anymore, to just pretend I was dead—a very terrible thing to say, I know. I started having upper back problems again, worsening as time when on, but I had absolutely no difficulty or pain when I held the baby, so I was sure that it was because of this anger I was still harboring against my mother. It continued to worsen. Nearly a year after the baby was born, the Lord showed me something that was so surreal I don't know if I can put it into words, as if I was my baby and my mother was me but I was also my mother at the same time, but at the moment of that realization the anger left me and I forgave her completely. My back pain diminished and was completely gone two weeks later. I apologized and asked my mother's forgiveness several times in writing and sent pictures of my daughter, but she did not respond.
My mother was invited to the 50th wedding anniversary party for her sister, my aunt, but told her she could not come, because I was also invited and planned to come. My daughter was just fourteen months old and it could have been the first time she had seen her, so we hoped she would change her mind, but she did not. All this time my aunt was concerned that I would have regrets, but I had honestly forgiven my mother and again had no expectations of her, so she could not hurt me.
Years later, my Lord prepared me, so I was not that surprised when one day my mother called me; I had been expecting her to do so for several weeks. She did not talk about anything much, certainly not about last few times we had spoken to each other. She talked to my daughter, then five years old, for the first time that day. We talked whenever she called, which was about once a month, as if nothing had happened, but for me our relationship had changed significantly: I no longer hoped she would be the mother I really wanted, that dream had died in me. Now and then she would tell my sister we had the best conversations, these were the conversations in which I do not remember saying anything at all beyond hello. She would not see her granddaughter for two more years when she was 7½ years old. The one and only time she saw her was during a visit in the autumn of 2008, when her health was quickly deteriorating, just months before she would pass on.
The only thing my mother said to me during that visit, "All those years...wasted." She may have meant it as a blame on me, or she may have meant it as a shame on herself, perhaps on both of us. At that point, it did not matter to me...I choose to see it as one of the few tender moments I will always remember. I had no expectation of her and no ill will. All I felt was pity for her because I knew in my heart she still was holding a grudge, it was just swept under the rug for a time. If she had been in better health, she would have swept it right back out, like she used to do. As I write this, I find myself smiling...at least, that would have been the mother I knew.
My daughter played a hymn at her funeral and I know that would have made her smile. I think it is sad that I don't feel her loss in my life, but I did certainly love her enough to forgive her and I have hope. Maybe she understands all that now. The one thing to which I am looking forward is seeing her in heaven as a perfected being without her grudges. Yes, I am very much looking forward to that meeting where there are no sorrows.
My Lord, I am thankful for Your guidance you given me all my life and the wisdom You have bestowed upon me about forgiveness through the good and bad with my family. Please take good care of my family members who rest with you now. I asked again, as I have so many times, my Lord, please keep my relationship with my own daughter close and loving.
