Friday, July 8, 2011

I May Need One More Week

I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.... I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.
~Nancie J. Carmody

Having two weeks off from homeschooling has been wonderful, but I did not get many things done I wished to do during that time. I admit that I might have relaxed more than I meant to do, especially the first week, but then I could not do as meant to do this week either. My weekend was going along fine until Sunday when I woke up with an all-too-familiar pain in my back. I had one of those used-to-be-common-but-now-uncommon flare-ups and without any reason. Thankfully, my husband was there to help me out of bed.

Just a few weeks ago I was simply amazed how well I was doing without any back pain at all. I fall in a horse barn onto bricks. I do serious gardening for weeks, even tackle weeds by hand with tap roots that go to Australia. (I just had to say that to tease my Aussie friend.) I moved 100 pounds of compost about two weeks ago. I lift 30 to 50 pound bags of feed for horses, rabbits, and our dog, at least one of these each week. Nothing. I go to bed one night after doing some light cleaning that day and...BAM! I cannot move with out shrieking the next morning. I was a bit better today on Monday because I found that fasting does give it a jump start in calming down the muscle spasm and I did that Sunday, but I was still restricted in what I can do without pain for a few days.

Just when I thought I was doing well with my recovery and expecting to be fully functional with just a bit of a nag left on Wednesday, my typical fasting day, I received something in the mail: It was simply an invitation to my uncle's 80th birthday party at the end of the month. There is nothing I would like to do more than to go, but there are complications. They are the kind of complications caused by unresolved issues between family members and it upset me. I love my aunt and uncle and all my cousins too much to attend and possibly cause tension. I went to my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary nine years ago and I do not want my presence to again be the cause of difficulties and heartaches for any of them.

Frustration set in as I tried to again think of how I could amend the situation so that I could go without it causing a stir, but the one person who holds the key has not talked to me in over 30 years and, to be honest, I still do not know why there is any animosity other than I took up some space in my aunt's and uncle's home and hearts, and have continued my relationship because I love and respect and genuinely enjoy them both. I so wish my cousin could and would forgive me if only for her own sake and well being. I have found that holding grudges, for whatever reason, is spiritually unhealthy and I am sad for her. I would willing bear the blame of whatever it is, if it would help her heal. Please pray for her.

I have realized, through the years, that much of my back flare-ups seem to be related to emotional upsets. Well, having something that emotionally stresses me as I am just getting over the flare-up is obviously just enough to make it worse—much worse!— again. Thursday morning I was in more pain, but I thought it would get better as I moved around, like it usually does, seemingly ignorant that I had been upset the evening before. As I was leaving for our typical errands, I was worsening and I wished I had cancelled the Princess' piano lesson. However, in the evening, I began to feel better, when I usually feel worse. This, of course was after some time in prayer and phone conversations with my husband and the Princess' godmother.

Making the final decision to not plan to attend the birthday party was both heartbreaking and releasing of the responsibility I place on myself to try to amend this relationship in which I have no control. I may try writing to her once again, since she is the one who sent the invitation and RSVP card, asking if she feels my presence at the party would cause her any aggravation, which would distress her parents and other family members.

As for today, I am feeling well enough again. How much of my house did I clean from ceiling to floor so far? I am ashamed to say just the two bathrooms...two sparkling bathrooms! I started on my bedroom before the flare-up and have not gotten back to it. The flare-ups really did me in and messed up this week so I really do need at least one more week to do some of the things I hoped to do this last week...but if I take much more than that, I may never want to start back again and the Princess may be lost forever in her make-believe worlds!

~ My Lord, please help the situation in family; let there be forgiveness and healing. Thank you for Your healing and help me to make the most of my good health with housecleaning in the next week. ~

7 comments:

  1. My dear friend [you ain't seen tap roots till you've seen Aussie tap roots;P] I had the feeling all week you needed some extra prayer [which sadly I did not provide. Please forgive me.] We have had internet issues & other things which have caused great upset. Drama, drama, drama. :(

    We need to talk but I do not have proper internet access till next week. Sometimes this distance is so frustrating ~ but then I remember we might one day not have even this so I am grateful.

    Take care, dear one. Blessings on all under your roof: child, husband, cat, dog, bunnies ~ oh & YOU! ;P ♥♥♥

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  2. Ganeida, thank you for the blessings and prayer. I was wondering why you were not Skyping me with that new 'puter and all. Give me a ring when you are online properly.

    (I also just knew you would say that about the the taps roots there. Of course, they are worse than ours! Everything in the Land Down Under must be worser.)

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  3. ...scarier, deadlier, and just plain weirder also.

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  4. Yo ~ but what makes us so much fun. ☺

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  5. My heart goes out to you and the family tension that gives you pause in attending the 80th birthday party. It's an awful feeling to know that you are the cause of someone's hurt, unintentionally, and powerless to make it right. It sounds like you have a great perspective in wanting to see your cousin come to forgiveness for her own sake.

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  6. Thank you, Paula. I try to have very low expectations of other people, but I tend to have very high ones of myself so I have more difficulty with disappointing myself than forgiving others...usually.

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.