Friday, December 21, 2012

Which Lesson to Learn?

God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them. ~Stanley Lindquist

Most lessons are hard. I think this must be so for if a lesson is not then I really did not learn something new.



I woke up this morning with a few hives and this was not an allergic reation. Actually, the few times I have had hives in my life were due to my nerves, so I have had to really examine where I have been emotionally, which I must admit that I have been trying to hide from myself. Even so, I have known for the last few weeks that I am coming to the end of my rope, burning out, loosing my grip, going under--you get the picture. I have been struggling with every disappointment on the brink of tears and the list of disappointments are mounting daily, almost hourly at times, because not much seems to be going right. I have been far too easily irritated. I feel I am out of control of my life and that I dislike where it all is going with my family. Some days I just want to stay in bed and other days I want drop everything and go out somewhere to do something just for fun.

My heart cries out: Lord, why? I have been through far worse times in my life and far greater depressions, but really this is neither. It is the overwhelming weight of responsibility and all that goes with leadership. I find little comfort in a leadership role, because I think it makes too great an opportunity as a target for slinging arrows. To be honest these the arrows have been more like the suction-cup toy arrows that just stubbornly stick to you, but are not intended to be harmful...I just cannot seem to shake them off. 

As I wrote previously in a post about giving up working at the 4-H horse barn on Tuesdays, when I take on a responsibility, I have difficulty in giving it up...actually, resigning from it. I do not like to quit anything, particularly when other people are counting on me. Sometimes I feel trapped by my own sense of responsibility and loyalty. This why I rarely volunteer for anything: I give it the best that I can and often more than I should for my own good. I can burn myself out easily in long term commitments, even when I try to pace myself, but give me a ministry doing something for my Lord...I am completely blind as to where my boundaries should be.

I get high on doing any ministry for God, but low when others do not see God's amazing work in it, because I question if others do not see the same as I believe God has shown me, was it God at all or just me? I am not looking for recognition for myself, but for acknowledgement, praises even, of God's workings from others. Is this a trial for me to learn something new, to make some changes in my attitude? Is it not a trial, but my Lord cornering me, because I will not give up even though that is what He is trying to show me it is His will that I should.

There are times that I have cheered on people resigning because of high principles and there are times I have cheered on people who persevered through difficulty, even when no one supported them. If it were on those terms alone, I could go either way in my situation, but I want to go with God and be in His way. I just do not know which way God is leading me, but I do know that something needs to change because...well, hives are a sign I cannot ignore. I can make excuses for being extra tired or cranky or not getting my housework done or not setting aside time for doing the things I love to do, things that give me joy, but I cannot make excuses for hives!

Sign from God that my attitude needs to change or that my time of service is coming to an end? I am just not hearing the answer to this question right now...or maybe I am choosing not to hear it?

~ My Lord, You know all that is on my heart this day. Please show me what it is You wish from me and then give me the strength to do it. ~

2 comments:

  1. Praying before you blogged. Knew something was up.

    It doesn't help but here's some trivia for you about churches & church helpers. Only 2% of any given congregation will help out. Guess you're that 2 %. The smaller the church the fewer the helpers but the ratio remains the same. The only church I ever heard of that did not have this problem prayed the scriptures every week for over a year [can't remember which verses but possibly somewhere in Ephesians] for a plentitude of workers & never lacked.

    I think the key is in what we pray but knowing what to pray is nearly as difficult as knowing what to pray for.

    Will continue to pray for you. ♥♥♥

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  2. I just went through a very rough, extremely rough, stage in Chile. I considered, the team considered, if it would be better for me to go home. In amongst the turmoil, the disappointments, the hurts, the sickness, the tiredness, the changes, the cultural differences and everything else there was a small voice. 'Be still and know that I am God.' 'I will fight for you.' It reminded me to start giving everything back over to God. As soon as I did that I had my answer. I knew where he was taking me. It was for growth, significant growth. 'If you search for me with all your heart you will find me.' Answers don't always come straight away. Don't give up searching for them. Look to the everyday blessings.

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.