Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Hawk-Promise Or Insanity?

No pillow so soft as God's promise. ~Author Unknown

I awoke this morning pleasantly refreshed around 6:00 AM as if I had slept a good six or more hours, which is amazing because I was still wide awake at 1:30 AM, wondering how I was going to feel about working at the horse barn since I just could not sleep and I would be fasting too. Fasting...something strange happened when I completed my last fast.

On Monday, the first day after my fast, I came up the stairs from the basement where we do most of our homeschooling and saw a wonder on the rail of my back deck: a hawk. This was not the common red tail or red shoulder hawks I usually see. This one had no true brown or red markings. It was a slate black with some striping (I am not a bird watcher so I am probably not using the right terminology) starkly contrasted by bright yellow feet and, of all things, yellow eyes. I was so surprised that I did even look for my camera, which was just a few steps away, as I thought it was in the basement. Given the choice to experience something even though I may not recall details and running to find a camera taking the chance to miss the experience, I will choose the experience. I called the Princess away from her lessons. Obviously the girl is more quick-thinking as she went to grab her binoculars.

After calling SmokedPam, who not only used to live here and majored in Biology but is a bird watcher, we were both still perplexed at what it might be. She had mentioned a Cooper's Hawk, but it just did not seem a match as it really had no brown on it, not even the breast, just a slate black with black flecks on a white breast. However, since I have found a few pictures of them mostly black and white as the one I posted, so it probably was with Cooper's Hawk with this rare coloring and when they are immature, their eyes are yellow. Still, I think it was just too unusual.

So, from my viewpoint, this unusual hawk is perched in a quite unusual place and the most unusual part of all this is I had seen a hawk on that particular perch while in prayer when I was asking for a sign in answer; I was asking to see a hawk very close to me on my back deck. This was when my husband was out of work just over three years ago. I did see a hawk as my answer then: A red tailed hawk had been high up the next door neighbor's tree calling me. I came out and thought, "Well, that is not very close." Then he swooped down between our houses within just ten to fifteen feet of me. Okay, God, that was pretty close. Message received. I danced back inside to looks of astonishment from my husband and daughter as I shouted "I saw my hawk! I saw my hawk!" They had no idea about what I had been praying. We had cashed the last of the severance checks and no job offers, but I knew that there was one coming then. A few days later, my husband was hired and, in answer to a two-year prayer of his own, he visited Israel where he had to go for training for that job.

Everything has its season though. A year ago, following the 40-day fast, we made a commitment to give a double tithe to our church for six months, but I knew at the end of it, we would be as broke as we had ever been during our marriage and being salaried, my husband could not just make more money. Plus, his company did not give him a raise when they had promoted him a year before, nor was he going to get any increase at all for coming year. We were so concerned about our church, because it was just barely making expenses and we would have to drop back down to our regular tithe. Apparently, God had other plans. During the fifth month, when our finances were just dust at the bottom of the barrel, my husband was offered another job. A recruiter contacted him based on his resume from three years before. He was even better suited for what they wanted because of the training with his then present job, which made the recruiter very excited. He would be still salaried, but it was enough that we could continue to tithe the same amount to our church and not lose our own house.

With all these miracles, you would think I should be satisfied, and I am, but...I think God had told me something else when this all started that I have ever since doubted that I heard it right. I never doubt my Lord, just my hearing! And, even though I know that first hawk was the sign for that time, I still was thinking that I did not see what I believed I should: a hawk perched on the left side of the arc-shaped deck rail.

So, I was struck with a living vision of this unusual hawk perched just where I pictured one would be and it comes to mind that the Lord also promised more back then.

Then I wonder: Is my Lord trying to get my attention? Is this about the other part of what I thought I heard Him tell me?

Around 11:30 PM last night, my mind began swimming, as it does when I am falling asleep while reading, so I turned out the light and lay down. I prayed as I do before sleeping and found myself still awake at nearly 1:00 AM, I decided to get up and have a few sips of milk and a couple of Valerian capsules. My husband is also still awake and suggests we sit on the couch. He is concerned that I am worrying over something, but I am actually at peace...oddly, because I can think of many reasons to not be, particularly since I am reading another apocalyptic book having just finished one and being well-aware of current events.

I feel so silly over this hawk-promise thing and yet...well, I also feel I cannot share it fully, because I myself do not understand it. I tell him that there might be a change in his career coming, something that may seem nearly absurd. Then I feel even sillier, for I know my husband is always looking to work himself into a better position, but I have a feeling he would either think it is a joke or too risky? I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what it is or when it will be or if it was all just a coincidence. I do know all those other things were not coincidences!

I am hoping...hoping that I am not seeing signs where there were not any. Hoping I am hearing my Lord.

Sometimes, though, I wonder how sane I really am....

~ My Lord, I trust you. I wish to believe in all the things You wish for me to believe. I do not doubt You; I doubt me. I doubt my ability to hear You. When I get the message wrong it reflects back on You, so I am very cautious. I don't want to take any glory from You either way. I also thank you for all that You have given us and all that You will give us. ~

4 comments:

  1. I love your story! I've plenty of experiences where I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought others would think I was crazy or belittle my experience as a coincidence. As far as I can tell, there are no coincidences. What a beautiful experience you were given to contemplate!

    Peace and Laughter,
    Cristina

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  2. Ah. ☺ How the Lord loves His people & how it pleasures Him to pour out the blessings He has for us over our heads!

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  3. Ganeida! I thought you might like this post. It is as I said in my last post: I don't really like fasting but I just LOVE the benefits!

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.