Saturday, November 13, 2010

Enough Already, Maybe Not Enough?

Our greatest victories are won on our knees and with empty stomachs.
~Julio C. Ruibal

There are times I can get beaten down and then there are times when I start getting angry because I feel like I am being pushed into a corner...and somewhere during those times I remind myself that my Lord is...He just is. I should be at peace in that.

I often think that my ideal of my Lord falls so short of what He really is. If I am to be brutally honest with myself, I just want Him to be my kind of god, but actually I really should want to be His kind of child. I am sure I fall way short of His ideal in that...way short.

Right now am typing this post on my daughter's computer. "Why?" You may ask. Why, indeed. Well, my husband has not yet been able to read the data off of my lap top hard drive, which still is not working, so I used my gaming computer to make my last post, then something happened to it as well and I cannot even get into Windows on it now either. I am actually afraid to even be typing on my daughter's computer! I know what you might be thinking. At least, we have computers to spare! Yes, it is one of the perks of being married to a techie kind of guy, but then we have computer parts everywhere collecting dust as well, so it has its downside too. I can say though, having had more than one computer for many years, I also know how incredibility unlikely it is to take down two computers within days of each other by the same person not doing the same thing to cause it.

I am not that upset (not like I usually would be, at least) about the computers. I am more upset that I cannot tell from where this is coming. Life in this existence is not paradise. I do not expect it to be good for me always, at least what I perceive as good for me, but I am just not sure that what is good for me from my Lord's perspective. I can see God's pathways laid out for other people quite clearly, but I am blind to my own. I am asking those, with gifts of discernment, if is this another aspect of an evil spiritual attack. It seems we have been enduring such a thing lately and some have told me is related to the fast and our 20% tithe commitment, perhaps our church also, or is this just my Lord disciplining me about how much I rely (and play, but generally just spend too much time in total) on my computer and the Internet, or is it all just a coincidence in which I would like to see a purpose when none exists.

Also, my husband noticed yesterday that our van is leaking oil again in an entirely different area than before, this after I drove it on Thursday. It could be that they simply did not get a good seal on the gasket they replaced or.... I don't want to think about the "or" actually.

Then another little thing: the temperature gauge I use to make yogurt glitched last night and I could not get it to turn off or do anything. I simply removed the battery and put it back in so it seems to be working, but right now it is like anything with technology is bent to glitch when I touch it.

This morning my husband went to a church board meeting and the good news is that our church is going forward with building onto our existing building as far as our building fund and faith will take us, which is an answer to my prayer for confirmation about the vision I believed I was given. Oh, and then I realized our phone line is dead.... Do you see what I mean? We made a call last night, but it was not working when I tried calling my husband after the meeting this afternoon.

I really am at a lost as to what I am suppose to do! Maybe I am just suppose to endure...and be content in doing so?

Ah, that may be the heart of my discontent! What probably is concerning me the most is my attitude. Regardless from where it is coming, am I honoring God in any of this? Do you see me honoring God in this, because I do not. Am I pleasing Him at all? Am I failing even more at being His ideal child? I am not disappointed in my Lord, I am disappointed in me. I want to be willing to accept anything from Him, even disciplining, but I do not know if I am being disciplined or being used as an example (some example I make) or if this is just all out spiritual warfare (for which I seem woefully incompetent to handle).

~ My Lord, for what should I pray? Please make me into what pleases You. ~

1 comment:

Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.