Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Where Has My Peace Gone?

Resign every forbidden joy; restrain every wish that is not referred to God's will; banish all eager desires, all anxiety; desire only the will of God; seek Him alone and supremely, and you will find peace.
~François de Salignac de la Mothe-Fénelon

Do you know that peaceful, satisfied, assured feeling that comes with doing what you feel God wants you to do? Okay, sometimes you need a push to get with His program, but once you are there you feel at peace with the Lord. You may even get a bit pleased with yourself for handling it so well, but then....

I have lost my peace.

The last two weeks has been...well, not peaceful, because I have been rustling with my God-given tasks.

I am to homeschool, but am I educating the child my way or God's way? Should we give up some things or are we on the right course? Should I change my approach? Let go of my dreams for her education? Am I working with my Lord in all ways with homeschooling or against Him in some things?

I am to lead praise and worship at my church, but it takes so much time to prepare that it is taking time from other things. I have to wonder what I else I should cut from my life. Housekeeping is better than it was, but I hoped to get it more under control.

When am I ever going to fit in my own art, let alone guiding my daughter with her artistic talents?! Why haven't I done that? Oh, I have plenty of reasons--excuses, really--but what it boils down to is that it has been pushed down on my priority list because...because I enjoy it, it costs money, and I am afraid I am not as good as I think I need to be. I would like to use art to glorify my Lord. I even dream of my daughter and I having a booth together at art shows selling our art, but is that what my Lord has in His plans for us?

Does it serve God's purpose for us to continue with 4-H? I mean, that was half a day we just spent with caring for the horses and riding for about 45 minutes as much time spent on grooming. My daughter does not seem to be interested in riding most of the time...but then she really enjoyed it just this week. Maybe I am just tired of the routine, but when I see my equine friends, I cannot help but smile. Even their barn game of musical stables is funny sometimes.

Are my priorities right with my Lord?

Should I find another piano teacher closer to home? Trudy is an hour away, has been a very good teacher, and a very good friend to me since before the child was born. I started with her because there was no piano teacher nearby who was eager to take on a four-year-old, no matter how gifted she was and Trudy had just begun taking younger students, but more importantly she was actually enjoying it. At this point, I could find a teacher to take her, but then it would not be Trudy, her piano teacher for the last seven and a half years.

My Thursday runs go from paying local bills to the organic health stores then north to Trudy's before looping back towards home. We stop at several stores but not the same ones each week. Target has the best prices for the organic tea we like and for the natural dishwasher detergent I use. When we have some time, there is an excellent Goodwill store on the way to Trudy's, too. Big Lots is another place that had organics from time to time. Kroger is my favorite for refilling my water jugs and looking for Manager's Specials in organics that are close to their "sell by" dates. Sam's Club has some things we get regularly also.

Am I doing too much really? Am I burning out because I have too much on me, or is it just my attitude? Maybe I am just not organizing my time well.

Did my daughter tell me this afternoon that she was enjoying Latin? I was nearly convinced we should drop it. Yes, she even said that she thought she never would enjoy Latin, but she is today and it was one of the more difficult lessons.

Attitude...perspective...choice. How many times I have sat down in heart-to-heart talks with my child explaining these three things make a huge difference. I know why she is enjoying Latin today, because we have been connecting better. It changes her attitude and her perspective and she chooses to make it enjoyable.

Perhaps I am just feeling disconnected...maybe.

Such (and more) has been my mind-talk for the last two weeks.

Since Sunday though, I have been feeling better. I prayed about my daughter's lessons and I have peace about my direction and our schedule. I prayed about our activities, and maybe there will be changes eventually, but not right now. I have prayed about my attitude toward my duties at home, which I have been letting slide and I am getting a better handle on them. I have prayed about my church--well, I may need to pray some more there.

I do not have peace about everything, but today I will be thankful for the peace I do have in the areas I have them.


~ My Lord, thank You for the peace You have given me to reassure me of the areas I am following You. Thank You for the times I do not feel peace so that I open myself to connect with You and check to be sure I am working within Your plan. Help me to clearly see the path You have prepared for me and have prepared me to take. Let Your Spirit fill me with peace when You are pleased with me. ~

2 comments:

  1. Seeking: I know exactlywhat you mean!!!☺ Why did the Lord send me back to school this year when Star still had one to go? The child is over it ~ but we have no direction yet. What she wants ~ & what the Lord wants ~ do not seem to be on the same page. I am struggling with my attitude to finances. Surely there is a better system than actually using money?! LOL I am a visionary so I have the BIG picture, but all the little steps along the way are driving me crazy!!!!I am in the Lord's will but I am struggling to let go of dreams I had for me ~ you know when the last birdie flew the nest & I could almost taste the breath of freedom....

    These are difficult times & about to get harder I am afraid. There is a great divide taking place. People must declare wholly for the Lord or be caste aside as unusable.

    We have weird stuff happening all around us. I don'tknow what to say. ♥♥♥

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    1. What are we to do, Ganeida? I was so looking forward to getting a signed edition of your first published book, but there are greater things to consider, I know. Our Lord has given us our tasks and we must do what we must do. I have begun to wonder if church gets in the way of reaching out to people.

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.