Saturday, June 6, 2009

Selfishly His

To be saved is only this,--salvation from our own selfishness.
~ John Greenleaf Whittier

Today I am just thankful. I would highlight all the times that my Lord has been so gracious to me, even to performing miracles in my life, yet I still worry and grumble just like the Hebrews in the Old Testament. I suppose if there is anything to learn from history it is that man is, at his core, the very same as he has always been. In fact, there is one trait we all have that is the reason behind all we do: We are selfish.

We all know we are not supposed to be and that it is commendable to be selfless, but even in our selflessness, we are selfish. We are giving with the hope of rewards, if not here, then certainly in heaven.

Maybe I am all wrong and it is just that I am more selfish than most so I identify with it more I should. I don't know, but each day I find my thoughts are mostly about what I want or how something will affect me. Would I even pray if I did not want something from my Lord? And, when I get it, am I truly grateful for it or am I looking for the next thing to add?

I have this philosophy that we even come to accept my Lord because we are selfish. We want a nice afterlife. We want to be loved. We want the Lord's blessings. We want His grace to be showered on us. We want to be saved....

Perhaps we need to be saved from ourselves most of all. Perhaps the greatest enemy is not Satan, but our own selfishness, for how could Satan have tempted a selfless being. I know, Adam and Eve were innocent, so Satan could trick them, but when the Lord said do not and a serpent promises rewards, who was Eve really serving when she stretch out her hand to take the fruit other than herself? If Eve had not been the first, another would much as I hate to think of it, without knowing the consequences, I would have.

I know that we should mature in our faith becoming more like Christ, more selfless. The question is then, is my Lord really selfless? If he created man in His Image, was this part of the plan? I mean, why did He create us? Did He want to be loved? Even angels, other created beings, fell away from my Lord. Why? Were they not being selfish too?

If I could shed my selfishness away as easily as a serpent sheds his skin, would I do it? Am I too selfish to give it up? It has served only me. When I have served others, it was not without rewards to me, even if just a good feeling. Yet, would I have come to my Lord without it?

It is a paradox!

Last night, I was keenly aware of how through the years my Lord has protected us...protected me. Through things that could have torn my family apart, the Lord provided us a haven. He even gave me a vision a few years ago of angels working on untangling a pile of twisted conduits that were not attached to anything, just piled high and oppressing us. It came to me at a very frightening time. I was on my knees several times a day begging for the Lord to save us once again. One would think He would get tired of me!

The untangling of our lives was not without sacrifices. It has been, as my husband put it, uncomfortable. And, just what have I been doing in the last few weeks? Grumbling! I don't wish to be that way. I wish to be grateful and content where I am at all times. I wish to keep my eyes on my Lord. I wish to be His...selfishly.

~ My Lord, please forgive me for my discontent. It is not how I wish to be. I want to be grateful for all the things You have provided at all time. I want to live thanking You, not just in a quick prayer but a lasting gratitude that overwhelms my heart every moment. ~

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.