Prayed Out

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
~Chris Sligh

Have you ever felt that you have prayed about so many things and so intensely that you just cannot think of what to pray about anymore? It is not like there are so many things I cannot find to pray about—I mean really, one could pray all day and night all one's life and still have things to pray about! (I think that is what God would like to see us all do too.) The reality is that it is not about having prayed about everything and now I am just done; no, it is more that I feel poured out, spent, emptied.

For the last three days I have gone into prayer without knowing for what to pray, just feeling lost and crying about everything and nothing. I know that when a person reaches brokenness is when my Lord does His greatest work within the person. I know that without any doubt in my mind and I have experienced it. Yet, even though I did not do a water-only fast, even though I have had some energy by drinking juices, teas, and raw milk, even though I cut back on my activities, even though I am heartened and blessed by my dear friend Ganeida for her joining our fast for my church...I am so tired, drained, and perhaps just plain weary.

My physical energy is only a part of my struggle and yet I cannot just lie around all day for today is my errand day with piano lessons for the Princess. No, the real struggle is letting it go spiritually. I feel that there is just not much left of me and I am hanging on to a small branch in a rushing river trying to save myself instead of just letting go and giving myself into the hands of my Lord.

You would think after fasting for 32 days that the last few would be a breeze and I know I can do it, that I am committed to do it, and yet what is left of me to do it? My strength at this point must come from the Lord. Have I been fighting against Him? Why is it so hard to let go? Perhaps it takes a fast this long to finally break down that part of ourselves that hinders us from being where God needs, wants, and is waiting for us with nurturing arms to be. If that is so, then I am willing to be broken...completely broken.

Only eight more days of fasting and prayer...it seemed like such a long time yet to go when I began to write this post and now I am wondering: Will it be enough for me and for my church?

~ My Lord, even now I do not know what to say to You. I feel ashamed for the person I have been and absolutely unworthy to even ask anything from You. Yet, here am I, my Lord, asking that You will do with me as You will. Empty me, my Lord, and fill me with You. ~