Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI. ~Fred Kwan in Galaxy Quest (1999)
This picture is not me, but it is how I feel.
I am trying to sort it all out.
I suppose I should start at the beginning...but I don't really know when it began.
I just know what brought it to the end.
I was trying to French braid the Princess' long, extra silky hair as she had asked and she was fidgeting again. Stray strands of hair were being pulled out of my fingers and not going where they needed to. Mind you, I was already frazzled from two major episodes earlier, one centered around fractions and another on reading aloud, so it was inevitable, I suppose, that I just could not get her hair to cooperate easily. I had to start over twice telling her to stop messing around both times and when it happened again for the third time, I simply said I was not going to braid her hair and I would not be going out to eat either.
My husband's flight from Boston was delayed last night and when he came in the door at 8:00 PM instead of 6:00 PM and asked if I was ready to go out to eat, he was stunned when I calmly said I was not going, but for him to take his daughter and go. He sat down and asked what was wrong...and I fell apart...with tears.
- Maybe it is a mid-life crisis.
- Maybe it is homeschooling a child, who has no appreciation for lessons.
- Maybe it is her rude interruptions that she continues to do even after she has been warned over and over.
- Maybe it is when I tell her to stop doing something, she does it one more time...EVERY TIME!
- Maybe it is the sassy, snappy, and sometimes witty comebacks of hers that wear me down.
- Maybe it is the state of affairs in the world, particularly with Israel, our national debt, and the upcoming presidential election.
- Maybe it is that I feel alone too much of the time because my husband travels so much.
- Maybe I feel I am just a complainer and that is where my daughter gets it too.
- Maybe I ruining the child...all that she is doing is because I am failing as a mother.
- Maybe I am just tired because I never sleep as well when my husband is away...even though I have done this for over three years now and he used to travel even more.
- Maybe I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities as wife and mother let alone homemaker and homeschooling parent.
- Maybe I need a two week vacation away, but obviously that is not going to happen so why even mention it.
My husband knows me. He knows when I am in meltdown and I am way too complicated to pin it on any one particular incident. He asked me why I did not tell him earlier, before things had gotten so bad for me.
Why, indeed? Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk? That is where I have been of late. I talk too much. The other question in my mind: Would anyone really miss my chatter if I just stopped? Maybe I have talked so much that I have bored people to death! Maybe I bore myself to death. Maybe I just should stop talking altogether...? Instead of fasting food, I could take a vow of silence for a few days, or partial silence for part of a day...?
Okay, let's get real here.
I said there is little he can do when he is away. He then said that he can still listen to me. Then I confessed him that when I tell him about the problems I am having with the Princess, I feel very foolish. When I boil it down, all I see is a fifty-year-old woman basically complaining that she cannot control and outwit her own a ten-year-old child. Surely, he remembers how many times over the years have we heard parents complain about their children, when we could easily see the solution was in the parents changing how they were doing things?
Although at first he felt it was rewarding her for bad behavior, my husband did take the Princess out to eat so that I could have time alone. I really did not want time alone, just distance between the Princess and me. I really wanted time with my husband alone and I do not get much of that having an only child with no family around. Anyway, I made the most of the time. I ate a wonderful salad just the way I like it at home and talked a bit with my Lord and watched a sci-fi show on Hulu.
When my love came home, we talked and talked and talked until well into the early morning, like we used to do long years ago when we were in the first years of our marriage. I said this was going to make for a rough morning. He mentioned sleeping in, but he knows that is not so easy for me to do...typically. I woke at 5:30 AM as I usually do, but decided not to get out of bed with just over three hours sleep. The next time I awakened, my daughter was crawling onto the bed in between us, so it must have been around 7:00 AM. I must have fallen asleep again, because when I awakened again it was just after 8:00 AM and the bedroom door was closed so no noises would disturb me. I came out to find them having breakfast, after having done the morning chores, and had some myself.
It has been kind of like having the day off, at least for this morning. I am feeling better and getting a better perspective on life again. My husband is kid-wrangling right now as they went for his hair cut and shopping so I will have a good portion of the afternoon to myself. I may even take a nap.
Actually, I have been hearing a small voice in me to take off the next two weeks from homeschooling, so the Princess and I can really clean the house and pursue our other interests. Maybe we both need it. I think that is what we will do.
~ My Lord, please help me to find the path You would have me take so that my heart can again be at peace. Let my words be of worth, not just to me, but to the people with whom I talk. Help me to be a better mother and wife to the ones I love the most. ~
