Coming Back to the Me I Know

Resign every forbidden joy; restrain every wish that is not referred to God's will; banish all eager desires, all anxiety; desire only the will of God; seek him alone and supremely, and you will find peace. ~Francois Fenelon

For the last several months, I have not really been myself. I feel I never lose who I am, I am sure of who I am, but that was not who I was being. Since I can remember, even as a young child, I have been an early riser. I have always liked getting out of bed to have time to myself in the dark, peaceful quiet of the dawning morning.

Of course, I am not really alone. This is the time that my Lord and I spend together the most. I am not saying that I always sit praying and meditating, but that I spend time with Him as I work or write or the rare workout or whatever. I talk to Him about plans for the day, people who might need His special attention, concerns I have, and my gratitude for my family and the blessings He has given us.

We have done this bit together since I was a teenager, so you can imagine how different my life was for the last several months when I would not get out of bed and slept in later and later. When I rarely was up before 8:00 AM and even then often I just sat in bed with my computer. When my daughter and I were getting around to eating breakfast as late as 10:00 AM instead of around 8:00 AM. When I was still wide awake at 3:00 AM even when I again sleeping at my regular time or because I went to bed later and never got to sleep until after that time. Things were just so out of whack for me.

The problem began eroding to this low point after the opposition to the songs the Lord was leading to me to use for praise and worship began in October. The uncharacteristic awake-sleep pattern was well set before Thanksgiving until just this week, until after we resigned from the church.

The one thing I hoped that my daughter would never have to endure was a mother who fell apart and would just resign from her role as mother. I had such a mother. It did not help that I felt many of the things I was doing and not doing reminded me of my mother.

My poor daughter. The child had brought my breakfast to me while I was still in bed just a couple of times. She was doing it out of the kindness of her heart, but she also was enabling me to stay in bed longer too. I welcomed the kindness, although I knew enabling me was not a good thing for either one of us. I suppose it is not all bad for the Princess to realize that it is not the end of the world when people have low times in their life for short periods...as long as they are short. That she was getting up before me, though...that was surreal.

The last few days I been more like myself and less on the edge over the little things, but then something will not go the way I think it should and I find myself seriously struggling to keep my composure: either my temper is too short or I find it overly distressing. Also, I do not want to just get back to the way I was, but to be better than I was. I want more peace in my spirit; actually, I need it so desperately. If only I could be like Jesus....

~ My Lord, let all fall away that is not of You. Please give me Your healing, perfect peace at all times. ~