Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Guilty as Judged


When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others, I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, reminding me that I can only have peace of mind when I forgive rather than judge. ~Gerald Jampolsky

I suppose this battle is a constant undercurrent in my mind, but since that 40-day fast, it seems to have taken more predominance in my day-to-day clashings of thoughts. I am ever so aware that everything—and when I write "everything" I mean everything—that I would find as a fault or infraction done by another person is something of which I am also guilty...by my own judgment. I hear condemnations coming back at myself. Either I have done such at thing or I really wanted to do it...even to I would do it if I had no fear of punishment.

I have evil in my heart. I am just as guilty of every sin there is as any person can possibly be.

It is a very odd thing, the discipleship of a Christian! How you feel so liberated upon accepting Christ because your sins are forgiven. For the very first time in your life, you feel freedom. At this point, you are like the disciplines when Jesus first said to come with Him. It is wonderful...but, even as you are walking with Jesus, you realize you still have human emotions and struggles with sin and the difficulties of life happen. You are learning, but many things seem to be difficult to understand, some meanings seem hidden, and what is all this stuff in parables instead of a clearly defined law?

Hopefully, in your walk, there will come a day that Jesus says for you to leave...go out and pass on what you have learned. You may not feel ready but it is not how much you know that will be of use to the Lord, but how well you listen to Him and how willing you are to do as He asks of you.

Then you begin to realize that everything you preach is speaking to your own soul. You begin to the see the hypocrisy within. You finally begin to see what God would see in you if not for the sacrifice Jesus made to cover your sinful heart and it is there that you feel the terrible sorrow that you have been trying to hide from yourself using Christianity as a shield. God has forgiven you, you will say, so you don't even need to remind Him of what you really wish He could not see, what He already knows.

But it is there.

I am Peter, who talked boldly and lied cowardly. I am Samson, who had such strength because of the Lord but was terribly weak in my humanity. I am a stone thrower and the one they would stone. I am every sinner. I am every sin. I am sorrow.

I am guilty and my sins are my sufferings...but I must not shun away from my Lord now. No, I must run to Him, seek to please Him more, and be closer, even though it might cause me to suffer more for now. I should not just be prepared to suffer but to desire that suffering, not the sinning, but being willing to suffer so that I can stand closer in the radiance of His glory without fear of it.

Again, the hypocrisy...I want that, but do I want...that?

God is so close and I am yet so far away....

~ My Lord, let my desires be only for You and Your desires. ~

9 comments:

  1. Everything in the spiritual life is balance & counter balance: lose your life to gain it; the least is greatest; die to be born...be absolved of your sin yet become more aware of your unworthiness. In a strange & peculiar way I think it is a symptom of our growing love for the Lord ~ he who is forgiven little loves little but he who is forgiven much loves much. Does that make sense.

    As for the hypocrysy ~ wouldn't worry about it. We all suffer from that ~ & the secular world is not exempt! ☺

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  2. Oh, I know hypocrisy abounds wildly in all of us. The awareness of it is what causes me to suffer.

    There are counterbalances as you wrote, Ganeida. I just wish I could get the "me" out of the way for God.

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  3. Oo-oo! That sounds like a dare. How to respond? I will if you will. Yeah, I like that one!

    Seriously, it's a process in the works...I think...at least, I hope that is what all this is about.

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  4. Now Seeking you know what a major woos I am! ☺

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  5. Yeah, but I am determined to pray it out of you!

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  6. "God is so close and I am yet so far away...."

    There is something terribly profound in that, Linda.

    Oh, how I can relate to this post:-{ My daughter and I were talking last night about this and that, and I suddenly heard myself and I sounded so critical. I just said, "Oh I hate everybody." Of course I really don't hate everybody, but I was just suddenly aware of how awful and sinful I really am. I have become aware of the shallow-ness of my own prayer life- how much of it is expended in me!me!me! How infrequently I am willing to pour myself out in supplication for anyone other than me and mine. **Cringe** Just sooo discouraging.

    Thankfully He doesn't get discouraged and give up on me♥

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.