Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What is Left of Me

Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer. ~Dorothy Rowe

I keep thinking that something needs to change. I keep waiting for the change to happen. I rearranged our schedule thinking that would fix most of it. I try to have a positive attitude.

I tell myself that I am being a good homemaker by gardening, caring for rabbits, and preparing most of our meals, and the only reason my house is so dusty and has not been vacuumed is because I treated it with diatomaceous earth for the fleas--true but is it an excuse? (But then we are finally seeing a real reduction in the fleas!)

I tell myself I being a good mother by educating my daughter at home, helping her to realize her potential in music and arts particularly, and being involved with the 4-H Horse and Pony Club.

I tell myself I am being a good wife by taking care of everything when my husband is away or working long hours, making a budget and paying the bills, and trying not to burden him too much with my emotional...um, disturbances.

I tell myself these things, but I am not convincing myself very well. All I know is that two evenings ago have voiced to my husband and daughter what I have known in my heart for many months: I am unhappy. You have no idea how selfish I felt to say that, or even now just to write, it out loud.

It is no one's fault but my own that I have been feeling depressed for so many months. I will not allow myself to enjoy much. I am not sure if I feel I do not deserve to enjoy my life; or I feel guilty because financially things are easier for us this year when it is still hard for many others; or if it is my daughter's attitude, which has improved much since her baptism but still has somewhat injured our relationship needing some time to heal; or if I have crowded my life with so many things that I am not doing the things I would enjoy; or if I just am not enjoying those things as I had before because of my own attitude; or if I just feel like a failure at all the above, plus much more...because the list goes on.

Yesterday I had a raging headache after working at the horse barn and I think that in part is from the dust. I could avoid it possibly if I would remember to bring a mask. Later the day eroded from there with the Princess, so I just fed all the furry ones and went to bed at 7:30 PM. I did not sleep well, because the headache, which may have started as a sinus one, had been compounded with tension and was on its way to a migraine, which I seldom get, thankfully, but I still have a remnant of the headache today as well.

Today, I am taking it easy. The Princess and I together finished a difficult Latin lesson that seemed impossible to do yesterday and now I am going to rest to hopefully get rid of this headache completely.

~ My Lord, I think I have been trying to do too much on my own again. I just never do well with that and I thank you that I do not because it forces me to kneel before You. ~

2 comments:

  1. OK, & now I know why I couldn't pick up on what was wrong. I mistook your depression for my own! lol!!!!

    Now I know what to pray for you. Why did you not ask? Naughty! Naughty!

    Even better ~ now we've chatted. ♥♥♥

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  2. Thank you for the Skype. I needed that so much. I am feeling a bit better. Even my headache is finally gone. Tomorrow will be a new day.

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Thank you fellow travelers for walking and talking with me along this journey.