“What is the source of sadness, but feebleness of the mind? What giveth it power but the want of reason? Rouse thyself to the combat, and she quitteth the field before thou strikest. ~Akhenaton
Stretched so v-e-r-y thin.
Yesterday I went to pay our water bill, which was late because we have been gone for two weeks. All our bills were paid before we left and I knew that as long as we were gone only two weeks that none would be paid late, except possibly the water bill, because that is a county government controlled thing and barely gives a week from the time of receiving it to the day it is due. The office is not that far and I usually pay at the drive-in window. This day someone I had not seen at that window was working. I gave the entire bill, as I usually do, and the payment. She tore off the stub and asked me if I wanted to pay the extra 10% for the late fee. (Not really, but what choice do I have?) "Yes, that will be fine," I said. "Because the bill is past its due date," she says holding the billing statement up so I could see that through the window. "I said I would pay the late fee now." I finally get back my change and a register receipt, but not my billing statement...the very one she had just held up in the window for me to see just moments ago is now lost...she cannot find it anywhere.
Here I was with the Princess, who had just informed me as we arrived there that she needed to go the bathroom because, like a typical nine-year-old, she had forgotten to go before we left; with a dinging noise from my van because it was low on gas; and my water bill cannot be found even though the woman had just waved it around in her hands. Usually, I would find such things comical....
Suddenly, I was fighting back tears.
I do not want to write. I did not even want to write this. I am now debating whether to delete it or to post it. I do not want sympathy...I am being quite honest here. I just want to understand why I feel this way and to be rid of it. Yes, there was a death in the family, but this began before that so I am not sure it is part of that or something else...maybe I am just in denial it is.
My daughter asked me to check her spelling in an email she wrote recently and the last line read "I am not in the mood to write." It was kind of funny to me, because she had a few lines before it so she had just been writing, but here I am doing the same. I am not in the mood write and yet I have written. I am not even in the mood to read and yet I have read...only a little though, as it seems overwhelming to read anything of depth. (Sorry, Ganeida, but I will recover eventually—I hope!—and give your secret blog the attention I would like when I am a bit more stable and certain it will not push me over the edge.)
~ My Lord, here I am again, not even knowing for what to pray but asking for You to provide whatever it is that I need. ~
