Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good. ~John Milton
Today I kissed my husband good-bye not knowing when I will see him next. He usually does not work weekends, but he worked part of last weekend and all the weekend before that...and now this one. He thought about mowing the grass on Wednesday since he was home for Independence Day, but we decided to have a fried chicken and apple pie picnic in the cool of our living room and watch "The Patriot" and then "Independence Day" although we did have to blank out a few scenes on the latter.
I have this personal code: carpe diem (seize the day). I try to do what I can today or in this moment, because those things put off or forgotten and might not get done to pile up upon other undone tasks and most likely will absolutely need to be done at an even less convenient time. I do not always fulfill my ideal, but experience has proven that I suffer the consequences when I do not. So, we came out of the week of the dry heat wave to normal temperatures and humidity with everyday showers and now some of the grass is up to my knees. I would mow it, but my husband is adamant that he does not want me to do it. So there it is. I get to pick off the ticks from our pets and watch the grass grow even higher while my husband works far away with the promise that when he returns, he will cut the grass himself...whenever that will be.
It is really not the grass that is an issue. Our lawn in serious need of mowing is just an visual analogy of what I have been trying to not tell my husband for the last few years...although I have told him; I mean that I do not say it as often as I think it. I cannot count on him, not because he is the lazy sort, but because he is the hardworking sort. Customers request him because he gets the job done right and he is honest. The more trouble the customer is, the more likely it will be he they send to work at the account to not only fix the machine, but make the customer happy. He is good at it--very good at it. He asked his new boss if she could give him a break from all the traveling and start sending out some of the newer guys more as they need the experience. He was certain he would be in town this week because of a medical leave and vacation days being taken by the others working here, but...things change.
Things always seem to change from one day to the next, sometimes even one hour to the next. When my husband mentions he will be in town or will work at home to get his paperwork done, I no longer hold my breath, but rather just roll my eyes. It is not that I do not want to believe it, but I am afraid I will and with that comes an expectation. With every expectation is the possibility of disappointment, but if I do not expect it to happen, there is no disappointment, and the possibility of being pleasantly surprised. Yes, this way I have few disappointments, and I am sad to say also few surprises, but generally this how I keep my marriage on the upside.
Still, there are days, like today, when I am loosing my façade and I am keenly aware of how lonely I am becoming. It may be just a short phase. I have them now and then. Ups and downs. Good days and bad days. It may just be that I expect my husband to be home on weekends and now am dealing with the disappointment I try so hard to avoid. This is all compounded by a tween on test runs of puberty's emotional roller-coaster. This morning started out with me feeling like a lonely wife and frazzled mama. I know other women deal with this also and I am thankful that many women have not had to do so. My aunt and my mother-in-law had husbands that worked close to home especially while they were raising their children. Looking through the eyes of my abused childhood, I saw theirs as model families that I hoped to have for my daughter. The Princess will not have that same kind of family life, but this morning she stopped talking in a disrespectful tone and realized that her parents were upset, without any angry words spoken. She does not fully understand why, probably because these things so rarely seem to bother me, but this is one of those bad days when I am disappointed, when I want things to be different, when I feel helpless to change it, and I am not understanding God's purpose and faltered in my faith of it.
I should share my feelings, talk them out, and my closest friends know I do this too much of the time, but then I feel terribly guilty. I don't want anyone to think that anything is wrong or that my husband is neglectful or that we have marriage problems, because what problems we have are really minor (often the very ones to which I am talking have far worse). Ours are usually from poor communication, which happens more easily when a couple are apart for long periods, and are usually resolve with just a good talk between us. I don't like complaining about or making fun of my husband, like other wives seem to do. I know for a fact that not all men are alike as I have heard some women say. My husband is a better man than I would have chosen for myself. Really! I asked my Lord to choose my husband for me because I had such lousy taste in men. My Lord chose well for us both, of course, but with him came such things as his line of work. It has changed through the years with more and more traveling, but in that there must be purpose, even in how it will shape the Princess. I am certain God has purpose for all of it.
Now my daughter is being loving and gentle, the young lady I know that she wants to be showing the goodness in her heart. It is easier for her to be so when we are not doing any lessons. We are not homeschooling this week as she had Horse Day Camp on Monday, the horse barn on Tuesday, holiday on Wednesday, and errands and piano lessons on Thursday, so today we will be working on reorganizing and cleaning up. She wanted to clean up her room and closet. I wanted to weed gardens and reorganize the homeschool area. So, enough of my whining! It is time. Carpe diem.
~ My Lord, thank you for Your purpose. May I be more willing to accept it so that I can better enjoy my duties and this day.~
