The Christmas I Tried Not to Have

Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you. -Walt Whitman

You may be wondering where I have been, since it has been nearly a month since I posted. I am kind of wondering about that myself. First of all, my last post suggested we were going to get a new refrigerator...that did not happen. The freezer section did ice up again because, apparently, there was ice inside the door that did not completely melt the first time, but this last time we got it all. So, our old one actually started working as it should without icing up thereafter and we cancelled the order. I still want all stainless steel appliances—one day—but this may not have been the best time.

Since my life has been a series of flashes, this way and that, I thought I would just go with it in this post.

Simplicity

I like simplicity, partially because I think everyone overdoes Christmas with decorations and fuss, but then I myself tend to overdo it...probably to make up for a childhood that did not have enough. This year was the picture of simplicity...a bit too much simplicity. Is that an oxymoron? We did get out our half-sized nativity set, because I think the entire neighborhood would miss too much if we did not have that at least, judging by the number of vehicles that still slow or stop in front of our house when it is lit up. Other than that we had no outside lights and no wreaths on the windows or even the front door.

We had gotten a Noble Christmas tree and my husband and I trimmed it. A few days later the Princess and I got the lights on it, which is something my husband and I usually do, but we knew that he was going to be working even through the weekend before Christmas. Now we like about a week with just the lights on the tree and last year I had bought all new programmable lights after Christmas on clearance, as our old one would not twinkle anymore, just so I could have my highly desirable random twinkle lights with no muss and fuss of dealing with old wires and lights. As it turned out, these were to be the only decorations on the tree.

Christmas Day
This is the very first Christmas my husband and I have been apart and it was going to be anything but typical or traditional or what we wanted it to be. There have been Christmases my husband had to work, but he was at least at home for most of it. Knowing that we would be apart, we decided to postpone the opening of presents. Instead, my daughter and I planned to take friend of hers for his first 3D IMAX experience to see Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, which took up our day from 11:00 a.m. when we left our house to 4:30 p.m. when we returned—so worth it and got our minds off what could have been rather a rather depressing day. Then we fed all the furry ones and ourselves before we skyped through my husband's computer to Grandma at the hospital so she could see the Princess open the presents she sent her. She also opened the one thing she asked for, arm warmers, and a planner with stickers and such from me as that was time sensitive, so to speak.

Flash Back to About Two Weeks Ago
My mother-in-law fell onto her left knee from tripping on the low step from her Florida room into her bedroom on that weekend. It became swollen but she assured us that she was able to walk on it without much pain. She did have x-rays taken right away this time. (I write "this time" because, if you remember, she fell just six months ago: Stepped on a Crack.) However, since nothing was broken this time, she made an appointment to be seen by her primary doctor on Thursday. He was rather upset with her because by that time it was so swollen he placed her in the hospital.

While there she was seen by a knee surgeon, who felt that there would be a higher risk of infection if he tried to surgically drain the knee, which by that time was draining on its own through open sores. So she was released after a two-day stay with a home care nurse scheduled to redress her bandage three times a week.

My husband was still working Connecticut on an installation and I told him that he needed to go see his mother, because I just knew (being empathic) that it was worse than they thought and it seemed I was wrong for the first day, but then came the next day....

Mom did not answer the door for the home care nurse nor did she answer her phone. The neighbor, who had taken her to the hospital and had a key, saw the nurse leaving and stopped by to open the door. Mom was sitting in her chair and seemed a bit off. The knee was infected, so she was taken back to the hospital.

At this point she was going into septic shock. They planned to do surgery to drain the infection immediately, but then they were faced with the same problem she had a year before I started blogging when she contacted C. Diff. from visiting her husband in the hospital: low blood pressure. Low blood pressure is not just a problem that makes surgery risky, it also makes it difficult to get antibiotics and medicines to circulate through the body that would help her fight the infection. (Last time, her arm was chemically burned from the inside out, but they saved her life after she was given only 20% chance of living. She had to have skin grafting on that arm, which complicates for future IVs.)

My husband was at a standstill with the install due to damage from the freezing cold during the transport (not of his doing) and there was a problem with the replacement parts, so he flew down to Florida when she was supposed to be in the first surgery that was postponed a day. Apparently, it is common that two surgeries are needed for this kind of drainage. After the first surgery, her knee was about half the size it had been. It had partially swollen more because she was dehydrated from the antibiotics, so they were pushing fluids that her kidneys, due to beginning to shut down from the septic shock, were not able to work well at getting the fluid out.

Flashing A Bit Forward, But Still Behind
Mom had her second surgery. She had two different infections and still has one or developed another one...still fuzzy on the facts of that. However, it was said that she had a deep blood infection, which I think is another way of saying she was septic...? They would have released her from the hospital three days ago, but for this infection. Then the plan is two weeks in a rehab nursing home to work on her mobility. Maybe my husband will be able to come home during that time so we can have the rest of our Christmas together...? However, his work wants him to go back to Connecticut to finish the install. I honestly do not plan to see him for another two to three weeks, but it would be nice if he could make it home.

Flashing Into the Future
After trying the soft approach with increasing pressure to get Mom to move so we could avoid these events where we have to rush to Florida because Mom has no one who really watches over her, we finally have taken the no-more-choice approach. Mom has been told that she is NOT going to be living alone anymore. She has always given the argument that when she moved her own mother down to Florida from New York, she lived alone until her last two years. I then asked Mom how old her mother was when she moved. 63? Mom, we are talking about a 20 year difference in age! And your mother did not fall even once. She is not really arguing the point now. I think this past year she has come to realize that she is not doing so well on her own.

While she was in the the hospital for the first time I went with the tough love talk, I told her that either my husband quits his job and we move in with her or she moves up here. She said she had been thinking about moving and she wants to go into an assisted living place. We all have told her that she does not really need that level of care yet and she will not have enough money left to get good quality care when and if she does really need it. Even her doctor, to whom, she listens to more than us obviously, has told her that she will have greater control of her life and better care if she lives with family. However, she just does not want to do any yard work, cooking, or laundry anymore. It is not that she is incapable, just that she does not want to do those things and that might be mostly due to her living alone in a house too big for her to keep up by herself for the last six years since her husband passed on.

So, our future kind of looks like this: Mom moves here. If she can take a few steps to get into our house then she will live in our home with us while we work on getting her home sold or she will rent a place for a few months. Then we try to find a three-to-four bedroom home with three full bathrooms (we still have a teenager) and buy it together if we can get financing before we sell our home. Mom will have the master bedroom on the main floor of the new house. Then we will work on selling our house.

So, we have a plan....?

My Lord, I hardly know where to start, for what to pray, and certainly I am not looking forward to any of what must be done, but I trust You. Help me to keep my face always toward You and let what is not from You fall away.

Christmas Done

Which Christmas is the most vivid to me? It's always the next Christmas. ~Joanne Woodward

It was not the kind of Christmas I would typically enjoy writing about; it was bittersweet and simple. However, I was given the three things I wanted most: a bigger camera bag, a thermal mug that keeps things hot or cold for hours, and a Silhouette cutting machine.

Last year my husband bought me a new camera that is so much faster and higher end than the one I had that I actually can get the facial expressions I was going for rather than the blurry one than comes two seconds later. I did not use the new camera much because it was a bit more complicated and...well, I had been having years of disappointing pictures with a child who increasing was becoming camera shy. It just soured me about taking pictures, so last year when I received this camera and had not asked for one, I guess I just was not in the mood to fully appreciate it. I did buy a tripod with my gift money from my husband's mother as the one I had was not good anymore, but I still just did not use it much. Then I began trying to take some pictures, especially when we went to north Georgia this past fall and all I could think of was why had I not been using this little gem so much more! I had to get used to switching lens and my camera case just was not accommodating for everything, so that went on my list for this Christmas. I am loving my camera now!

My husband asked for a thermal mug a few Christmases ago. We picked up one at a store hoping it was a good one—it was priced like it should have been. It kept his tea hot for hours as he wanted...probably not as many hours as the one he gave to our daughter and me, but it has served him well. After I had a drink from his a few hours after he had been carrying it around, I was amazed how hot it still was and I might have mentioned that I wanted one then...wink, wink.

The Silhouette cutting machine was something I told my daughter about in the last few weeks and I thought would not happen. My husband was away from home the last four weeks. I had looked at these machines before and with the renovations we are going to be making in nearly every room in our house this coming year, I thought I would find a number of uses for it. The Princess is eyeing some ideas for her room as well. I did not get any materials for cutting, but that is fine. I would rather choose the materials for myself and my husband's mother was quite generous with her money gift this year so...I am really looking forward to placing lovely words on a few walls here and there, amongst other things.

My husband's big gift was a gun safe. It has been delivered and is in waiting in our garage to be moved into its special spot in what will become my husband's man cave/office room (presently our arts and craft room). My husband pulled off the wallpaper and I finished that corner of the room as it should have been done the first time by the first owners. My husband said that the walls and ceiling where the safe will go looks so beautiful that he hates to cover it, but eventually that entire room will look that good.

He also asked for Christian T-shirts as his old ones were quite worn looking. I found a company that had Kerusso shirts for half price with free shipping for orders over $60, so my husband now has eight new Christian T-shirts.

The Princess had been given a new point and shoot camera before the science retreat as part of her Christmas gifts. She got lots of stuff that she loves being that she is fully a teenager: temporary hair coloring sprays in several colors, leg warmers, leggings, lightly colored lip gloss (the only makeup she is allowed to have presently), over the ear headphones and adapters so she can use them with her tech as well as the digital piano and keyboard. She also loves her thermal mug and when she opened it she mistook it for mine that I had not yet opened because the colors were so close especially in the lower light: hers is red and mine is plum. Realizing what she had unintentionally given away what I was getting, I laughed it off saying with saying that Dad must have been really good at fooling her by having her help him wrap her own present and having her think it was for me.

We also bought tickets to the Creation Museum at half price and will be going sometime this coming year, probably in the late spring or early summer on our way to visit with my aunt and uncle in Ohio.

We had Christmas dinner and then rested. At around 6:00, we got ready to go to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens at an IMAX theater in 3D. It was so worth it! No spoilers here. When we got home it was after 11:00.

That was the good.

There was also the bad.

My husband's back went out on Saturday night, Dec 18th, when he was bending over to get a light bulb to replace one that went out. You have to understand that my husband has a very physical job and lifts very heavy stuff all the time, but over the years we have determined that the only time his back goes out is when he has been under a lot of stress and he is doing a mundane task. For instance, about fifteen years ago, he was working for a manger that kept pressuring him, making him feel unappreciated and it turned to making him quite resentful; I came home to find him crawling on the floor after he had bent over to pick up an envelop he dropped at the mailbox. Yeah, we laugh at it now, but at the time.... So this time it was stress from our situation with the Princess for the past few months and the last month being under a great deal of pressure at an account to install a machine when the room for its installation was not properly prepared by the customer. His back was primed just for the right moment to kink and so it did. I prayed over him and it went back in place, confirmed by the chiropractor, however the muscle soreness has been more stubborn and I think that is because he is supposed to rest this holiday...we all are, I think.

On the evening of December 16, our pastor's 16 year old son died from a head-on car collision when his car went over the middle line for reasons unknown, but the curve is sharp and it is a dark area of that two lane highway. We have not been to the church because of my husband's back. The play was postponed and will probably be revised since it will be after Christmas now. I honestly do not know the pastor's family that well. All pastors are busy people, but I will say that he has a good support team or circle of close friends. We did not attend the viewing or the funeral on Monday, but we prayed. You may remember one of my very first posts about Valerie; it is very hard for me as an empath to not sink into the stormy sea of people's darkest emotions, particularly with the death of a child. With everything that we have been going through with her, I am thankful to have my child, but since I lost my own brother when we both were still in elementary school, I have always had a keen sense of how fragile life can be and how precious it is. This was just one more thing to tug me down that emotional abyss out from which I keep trying to climb. We all agreed to keep a distance and allow the family to have one less family with which they would have to interact.

The Princess' piano teacher decided that her old dog was not healing well from an injury and could not take the medicines that would help him because of his other health issues, so she put him down about two weeks ago. She is a dear friend, who has been living alone for many years and I feel so bad for her.

Lastly, I really missed my Jamie cat this Christmas. He always right in the way in one way or another while we were unwrapping presents for nearly two decades.

Although, not necessarily bad, it has been unseasonably warm, as in the 70's on Christmas. No fire in the fireplace, hot chocolate just does not have that warming of the old bones feeling, air conditioner uncovered and running to reduce the humidity in the house because of all the rain, and even all my sweaters are still packed away! It just kind of messes with the whole ambiance of the season for us.

Ending on a good note....
One of the Princess' science projects was to be making a "Rube," that is short for a Rube Goldberg device, which is a contraption, invention, device or apparatus that is deliberately over-engineered to perform a simple task in a complicated fashion, generally including a chain reaction. Instantly, my husband and I thought of Doc Brown's dog food machine in the first scene of Back to the Future. My daughter had not seen the Back to the Future movies and it just so happens they released a 30th anniversary blu-ray edition. 30 years?!  I remember when that movie came out the very best of media was LaserDisc (before CDs) and I viewed a portion of that movie on it, but today with blu-ray is even better than that. We watched the first one last night and I have to say that one has to love digitally remastered and big widescreens with surround sound! Wow!

My Lord, thank you for another Christmas with my family together, safe and happy. Your Son was our best Christmas gift of all, still every year we are together, I am very thankful.

Christmas Without My Twinkle Lights

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. ~Robert Kirby

Christmas is just around the corner. How is that for stating the obvious? My home is not ready for it, and when I write that, I mean this is not going to be our traditional Christmas, not at all.

Usually I have baked cookies so that we could have them while we decorate the Christmas tree. This year, I have not baked any cookies, but the Princess said she plans to make Snowballs—the when is a bit vague.

We have a Christmas tree and we did get lights on it after it sat without anything on it for about a two weeks. We finally gave up and did not put on the random sparkle or twinkle lights I love because two of our programmed strings bit the dust and we could not find any replacements. Well, that is I could not find any of those programmed strings until after we already put the lights on. I was actually talking on my phone to my friend Birbitt, for whom I wrote out the Snowball recipe, when I found them!

I did get wall repaired, which as I stated in a previous post, turnout out to be more work than I anticipated because of the termite damage; not quite enough to need to tear out and replace the plaster board, but just enough to to keep missing a little place here and there. I finally got the window and wall painted and the drapes up where we place the tree, but we still do not even have the skirt and our Nativity scene out yet. I finished the patching work on the other living room window yesterday and will be painting it today. The drapes should go up tomorrow and then I have lots of vacuuming and dusting to do to clean up the living room.

We have not put out Christmas wreaths on every front window or even the one my husband made together our first year here on our front door. We worked so hard to finish painting the porch before it got cold and I had envisioned it all decorated for Christmas in the most beautiful fashion, but we only set up our large Nativity set in the front yard.

The Princess did the artwork for the Christmas cards. My husband formatted them and printed them out. Today the Princess with address the envelops and we will send them out tomorrow, hopefully.

It makes me sad as I write and think of all the things we usually do and have not done. I like Christmas to be full of good memories, but this Christmas is just off for all of us. From May we have been focused on the house with the renovations. Since the beginning of September, the Princess has been through some challenges. During all of this my husband has been away so much of the time and I feel like I am still stuck in an emotional abyss and when I am out it feels like I am teetering on its edge.

It has been a very strange and strained for the past six months. So much of my world has been turn sideways and nothing much is as it was. I guess it should be no surprise that our Christmas this year is a reflection of all that. It almost feels like the Grinch came in and stole all the decorations. I mean, I could not even have my twinkle lights this year! Yet, all the Whos still sang to welcome Christmas and that is what I hope we will be doing also.

My Lord, help me to remember that there is more to creating good Christmas memories than having my house decorated the way I would for it to be.

Oh, No! Not Fudge Again!

Fudge is a noun, a verb, an interjection, and delicious! ~Terri Guillemets

 ....except when it is not really fudge. Then it is some nouns, some verbs, definitely some interjections, and maybe even still tasty...but it is NOT fudge!

This will be brief, partially because it is very late and partially because I have had enough fun laughing at myself for the last hour. It all started with a new fudge recipe--well, no. That is not entirely accurate. It started with a certain new flavor of fudge in my mind, key lime, but all the recipes I found for it were called for condensed milk and white chocolate. I have those ingredients on hand, but I wanted to try to make my fudge the old fashion way like I do most all my fudges.

 (I just love to complicate things.)

So basically, I did not follow the recipe exactly. I found one for lemon fudge and used key lime juice instead, but even then I used more juice because key lime recipes called for more. I think that is where all the problems began.

After it did not set the first time, I considered doubling the amount, but adding the condensed milk and white chocolate for the other part. I really did consider it, but I do not like giving into fudge. So I reheated and tried again, it was closer to setting than before, but not enough. Then I was determined not to admit defeat!

After all, I had made chocolate fudge just a couple of days ago, messed up how I did it because I was distracted by a phone call. I could not remember how many cups of sugar I had put in and I put the butter in too early instead of letting it cool first. To fix this I doubled the recipe, because smaller batches have to be more exact than bigger ones with the sugar and I put the other half of the butter in at the right time. It come out just fine.

I even made pumpkin fudge earlier today that came out the best I have ever I done and the first time around too. This one has usually has been a problem for me in past years, but I think I finally have mastered it.

So, the new key lime fudge...I reheated it a third time and this time it went over the temperature of the softball stage--not my intention. I now have something that is more like a soft taffy...I think. It seemed to be from what was left on the spoon. I decided to pour it in the pan and it did set this time, but I am pretty sure it is not fudge. So I admit to being defeated by key lime fudge...at least for tonight. I am not sure what to do with it tomorrow, maybe just leave it as it is for my family, maybe try adding the other recipe to double it, maybe just...well, I hate throwing out anything that is edible. But, for now I will just go bed.

Tuesday Morning Update: It is morning and here I am facing the green stuff that was meant to be key lime fudge. It is very grainy, soft taffy-like substance. Although a disappointment, this I can probably work with by going with my first thoughts and this time mixing the condensed milk and white chocolate recipe, which by itself makes a very soft, creamy fudge. Maybe the bad traits of them both will turn out something good. Well, here's to hoping...and trying a fourth time!

Friday Morning Update: I cannot believe it, but I have achieved Key Lime Fudge perfection! It seemed to be too soft at first so I refrigerated it for a day. Still unsure I decided to used crushed graham crackers to coat each piece. As I cut it last night, I was pleased that it was not too soft and dusted each piece with the crushed graham cracker just to be sure they would not stick together. I was hoping I would not have a fudge that was so soft it needed to be refrigerated and I do. The only problem is that I probably will never be able make to this fudge exactly again--in fact, I would not want to do so. I definitely need to create a Key Lime Fudge recipe that works...the first time and every time.

~ My Lord, thank you for tomorrows, for although the consequences of my mistakes linger, I have the opportunity of having fresher perspective on them.~

My Christmas Blues

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
~Burton Hillis

I become rather philosophical in a bluesy way at Christmas time, just in case you have not noticed. I think it is in part because I have family...but not really. The only family members who actually talk to me regularly are my husband's mother and my mother's sister and her husband, now and then a cousin or two, my aunt's adult children. I have felt on the outs most of my life, not even fitting in with my own family. Then, we are small in number. My father was an only child. My mother had one sister. My husband family has a similar situation in that husband's mother was an only child and his father had one sister.

When I lived in Florida, we spent some part of the holidays with my husband's family as my family is in Ohio. I was sad every Christmas season. I was sad because of the things that led up to my mother not talking to me for years...five actually. From the time my daughter was one until she was six. She finally called me (without hanging up on me) and we resumed having the type of one-sided conversations that made her comfortable and happy. As long as I did not talk, we could talk.

I forgave my father of the past and although the harm he did was far worse, it was easier in a way because it ended and he was no longer in my life. My mother, however, was an ongoing exercise in forgiveness of numerous things with which I struggled all my life until her death about three years ago.

My mother had been the center holding all the family strings. The connections I had with my sisters and my half-brother were mostly through her. My mother had some control issues, particularly with me. She would tell me she did nothing to hurt the relationships I had with my siblings, but somehow they always knew her side of the story in how I treated her badly and yet they knew only what my mother was willing to tell them. She would tell people I always brought up the past and there was a time that was true as I was often cut picking up the lasting shards of emotions from that past. However, at some point about twenty years ago when I was healing of it, I stopped. I had no need to talk about the past after the healing and forgiving, but I was still accused of doing so. At that point, I knew how to deal with my past whenever I stumbled onto a remaining shard, but the present was another issue. I was trying to find peace in it among people obviously still broken and being cut with their own shards of the past.

I wish I had recorded our phone conversations because no one believed me that it was my mother who brought up the past, not me. I found out, through my aunt, that my mother had told people we had the best conversation once...it was one in which I did not talk! So whenever she called I let her talk and I stayed silent about my own thoughts, my own hopes, my own fears...while she rattled on about hers for hours sometimes. I once counted that I spoke five whole sentences not counting the "hello" and "good-bye" and the occasional "oh" and "uh-huh" just so she knew I was still there on the phone. Actually, four of those sentences were questions and one sentence was to answer her question. As I began the second sentence, still in answer to the question, she interrupted me and talked another 20 minutes non-stop before asking if I was still there, so I guess she did not really want to know the answer. It became a game for me to say as little as possible and try to only ask her questions about what interested her--not to be mean, but for me to endure being a sounding board only. I could not help her so I tried to make her as comfortable as possible. She was still a hurt, broken woman carrying so much guilt and I seemed to bring the memories of her burdens back to her anytime she talked to me, even though I said nothing to cause it.

I think my mother made me the monster of the family to my siblings, just as she made her sister the monster to me. My aunt was always used as the measuring stick that things could be worse for me if I lived with my aunt. "I could send you to your aunt's and then you would learn how easy you have it here. You would find out what work really is there." My aunt did organize and her family did lots of hard work, but I did end up living with her for two years during high school and I loved it! I found out I was not lazy after all, as my mother often called me, I was just not well directed.

I have reached out to my brother and sisters over the years, less more recently. I helped each one of them financially in the past. There was a time it got to the place that seemed to be expected and may have been the only reason I was called, so my husband asked me to stop it. One sister would not accept my phone calls and, whether intentionally or not, she did not talk to me for twelve years after I told her I would not be giving her money to help with her bills one winter.

Not once have I been given assistance when I really could have used it or even just a sympathetic ear. I am not upset with them. I do not expect them to give me anything. I am sorry for them because it seems that they have not even considered offering anything just because I am their sister, as I offered them just because I am their sister.

There are also other big differences that did not help in us having common threads. Although one sister is just three years younger than I am, my youngest sister is eleven years younger than I and my half-brother is eleven years younger than she (twenty-two younger than I). The younger two grew up very differently than the older two. We just feel we do not have much in common.

This year I have decided to allow myself to grieve about my siblings. You see, I still secretly hoped that after our mother past away that we might connect as we had not done in the past. When I have reached out to them over the years, it was not mutual. I am going to be crying for the little sister who used to look up to me with her blue eyes and sweet smile in the blue butterfly skirt I made for her--she has grown up and has two teenagers. I will remember the day my mother with postpartum depression begged me to come to the hospital and I stayed with her for hours (while I had been dealing with a terrible long-term depression of my own); I will mourn at the memory of being the first in the family to hold my baby half-brother--he is now married with two children, last I knew. My other sister once told me that she blamed me for not protecting her from our father and I will be in tears thinking of the times she never knew that I did--she has a teenage daughter.

I know the steps I must take. I have done this before, but not about them. I held on to this hope that has been hurting me for years that we will connect and being reminded, as I address Christmas cards, that another year has past without change. I will keep the door open, ready to accept them with a healthier expectation that will allow them to be comfortable, like I did with Mom, because it will not disappoint or hurt me anymore. My expectation for us to be like a family will be gone. This will be the last year I will have my Christmas blues over the family of my youth that I never had, over nieces and nephews I will not know.

After I have gone through this grieving, I will be able to truly enjoy the presence of my family all wrapped up in each other, without that feeling that something is missing. That is the gift I am giving to myself, my husband, and my daughter this year.

Update:
After I had written this post out, but had not yet posted it, my youngest sister called me on Christmas Eve. I had sent all my contact information in the Christmas card I sent leaving that door open. During the conversation I found out that while she had talked to our brother and other sister more recently than she had with me, it was still months ago.

My brother has two young girls but is divorcing his wife and is involved with another woman who has children also. The sister closest to me in age left her husband and teenage daughter a few years back and had been living with another man, but it is unknown if she is divorced yet. My youngest sister accepted the Lord into her heart just eighteen months ago, truly good news to me!

~ My Lord, thank you for urging my sister to call me and tell me she has chosen to accept You as her Lord. I still need to grieve what was lost, what never has been, and probably will not be. Each year I have more distractions with my own family, but I have held on to this pain. I am ready to let it go now and give more of myself to my husband and daughter...and to You, my Lord. ~

Blue Note or Blue Screen Christmas?

I can understand people simply fleeing the mountainous effort Christmas has become... but there are always a few saving graces and finally they make up for all the bother and distress. ~May Sarton

The Blue Note Christmas 2005

I have an eighth note cookie cutter and every Christmas we always color them a pretty blue to remind us of Christmas 2005. Have a cup of rich, hot chocolate and a sit while I describe what I thought was the worse (and the best) Christmas of my life.

The Princess was just four and a half years old. She had been taking piano lessons for about six months and it was obvious from the beginning that she was destined to be a good pianist. Her tiny hands had been practicing on my Roland keyboard all that time, but we knew that to strengthen her fingers and develop her ear that she would need a real piano. I had seen an advertisement to sell off used pianos at a well known piano store in Atlanta, so we went to look hoping to find something worthwhile for under $2000 just a few hours before her very first recital—a casual coffee shop recital. We looked at the used ones and realized there was nothing worth having, but the salesman suggested a new one close to our price, just a bit more, but with a cast iron harp that would not warp.

At the recital she played simple songs with her right hand only, but she was just so relaxed yet poised—such a performer! Even one of the oldest students, who had taken piano lessons with Miss Trudy most of his life, expressed his surprise at how well that this petite four year old could play.

We returned to the store later as they had a very good sale going on because their Labor Day sale weeks before was terrible, since it was right around the time of the Katrina hurricane and the entire Southeast was impacted with trying to provide aid, bursting at the seams giving shelter, and dealing with gasoline shortages. The tone of the piano was nice, but after listening to the acoustics of a Steinway, costing as much as a house, nothing really compares. Still, it was a good piano and we purchased it.

Now my husband wanted this piano to be from Santa, so he devised this elaborate plan to have the piano suddenly appear on Christmas Day. First he would get a piano box from the store and place it in the living room covered up with a sheet. He would cut out a backside so we could simply slide it over the piano when it came. The Princess would see us put up this empty box and it would sit there for a few weeks until Christmas Day and then we would open it. This way the piano could be delivered at any time as long as I could keep her from seeing it being delivered.

So, we set a date for delivery with our salesman. Then we were asked to finalize everything with the sales manager, who listened to my husband's plan and suggested to have the piano delivered on Christmas Eve instead of two weeks before it, as that was a very common request. I had this strange feeling about that new plan. I thought our plan would be the best one as we would know the piano was there and we could have it tuned and ready by Christmas Day, but my husband decided that a Christmas Eve delivery would be better. So, the delivery date was reset.

My husband got a box later and we did as we planned. About a week or so later the salesman called and asked when would we like to set up the tuning. I told him that the piano had not been delivered yet, thinking that he may not have realized the date change. He called again about a week or so later and asked how we were enjoying the piano and again I told him the piano had not yet been delivered, but we were expecting it on Christmas Eve.

My husband's parents came to visit during Christmas so we were a bit distracted, but I began getting concerned when we did not get the phone call the day before giving us confirmation and an approximate time that the piano would be delivered. My husband said that they were probably very busy and would call that morning as they are supposed to do. Morning came, no call. By noon I began calling the delivery company, but after hours of trying to get a hold of someone, we were told all the deliveries had been made in the morning. There was no piano to be delivered to us.

This was the big present! The one we had planned so much around. My daughter had sat on a mall Santa's lap and told him she would leave a key for him so he could bring the piano through the front door—she has always been one to work things out like that, even then. Now those dreams shattered before me. That huge box in the living room was going to be empty on Christmas. I just went into my bedroom and cried and prayed and cried some more on my husband's shoulder. My husband had called the salesman, who was on his way to visit family out of state. The salesman told us that the computer records showed the piano had already been delivered and that is why he had called us, but he realized his mistake in not catching the error when I told him it had not been delivered, twice.

The salesman made some calls and after a few hours of trying to get past this terrible disappointment and stop weeping—this is what happens often when I rely on plans and have high expectations—we were told our piano would be delivered around 8:00 PM. I again went into my bedroom and thanked my Lord with more weeping yet fearing to hope.

Instead of going out to shop as we planned when the piano was to be delivered in the morning, I would have the Princess taking a bath in our big garden tub at the back of the house so she would not see or hear anything. The delivery men arrived later than eight and it took quite a bit of time to get the piano inside. The salesman probably paid lots of extra cash out of his own pocket to get the delivery company to deliver the exact model piano in cherry wood that was not the one set aside in the warehouse for us, the serial numbers did not match what was on our sales receipt and the delivery receipt, but the piano was in excellent condition.

In the morning we placed a large red bow on the sheet-covered box. After opening all her other presents, she was delighted to see her new piano, out of tune, but definitely materialized from her hopes into reality. To this day, the Princess does not know what a horrible-happy day that was for her parents, known to us as Blue Note Christmas.

The Blue Screen Christmas 2011
I hope you have some hot chocolate left because I may have another story that rivals the first one.

This Christmas had its similarities with the one six years ago. I call it the Blue Screen Christmas because the big present was in technology and everyone knows what the blue screen of death is, but instead of being focused on one thing, the real problems where mostly circumfluous of the new additions in technology and the Princess being sick.

Last year we had a very meager Christmas. As I was promised by God, this year has been a bit easier financially, but we had much to catch up, not with bills, thankfully, but taking care of broken things like the dishwasher and the vans and many other things. For this Christmas, my husband and I planned to get a Wii and Netflix. That was to be the big present.

However, my husband had this idea: while our twenty-some year old TV could be used, it would all be so much better on a HD, flat screen, wide screen TV. The prices were very good and we could get one that was Netflix ready, so we did not have to stream through the Wii. Technology is just advancing at lightning speed these days! My husband also mentioned getting a Blu Ray/DVD player; he had seen one for just $88. I just looked at him saying that we only have one Blu Ray movie that he had bought two years ago by mistake and they were too expensive, besides we were getting Netflix! We only really needed the Wii to stream it and play the sports games.

You have to live with my husband to know that when he merely mentions such things that often he has already gotten them. That is why whenever he just talks about something, I get nervous, and then he will say that I am getting upset over nothing, that he is just talking and he would not do anything without my agreement—Oh, yeah! What about the iguanas, the riding lawn mower,...(this list goes on and each has a long story)? Now I can add, the TV and the Blu Ray Player and...well, this is the story.

He did give me a bit of advance warning. He told me two weeks ago on Saturday evening about the TV and player. The next day's Sunday School lesson was about confessing to each other—such wondrous timing! So we had the TV in our closet and the first thing I thought of was that we now needed to go shopping for a console, because our old TV was a build in the console type. Another thing to buy, but he assured me he had it covered with the extra money he was making being on call the last two months. (His biggest confession was not the presents but what happened to the money he made that was supposed to be used to pay down our debts that I never did see.)

We went shopping at furniture stores on Thursday this past week after sending the Princess to her friend's house for a few hours, the one who had the cold; the Princess had already been well-exposed and was showing some signs of it so at that point it did not matter much. We found a cherry wood console for the price we wanted and purchased it. The console would be brought from the warehouse to the store for pick up on Friday the day before Christmas Eve. I began having a déjà vu moment there, but my husband assures me again it all will go well this time. It is obvious that the Princess is becoming sicker, so we did not go to our pastor's surprise birthday party that night.

Friday we wait for the call; no call. I asked my husband to please not wait until it gets too late as we did on the Blue Note Christmas. He makes the call. The console was not sent to the store—déjà vu. (I think we are cursed in this particular way.) Later on they contact us saying they had one we can pick up and my husband does that, leaving it in the van. The Princess is too sick to be playing outside, she was lying down, so she would not be seeing it there.

Friday night the Princess sleeps well and we wrap presents until 2:00 AM. Saturday she is lying around still coughing and sneezing, so it is obvious we will not be going to church that evening or the next day, which was a big disappointment for all of us. She had worked for weeks on "Still, Still, Still" to play Christmas morning. I will also have to cancel a horse riding lesson on Monday and find someone else to do chores at the horse barn on Tuesday.

Christmas Eve night, we hoped to set up the TV and all the components that night to have her see them first thing in the morning as if Santa brought it and everything was set up and working, even though the Princess informed us that she did not think Santa was "an electronics kind of guy." The problem: the Princess cannot sleep. At midnight, my husband gets antsy to begin moving things around. I decided that something needed to be done to keep the Princess from wandering out of bed in case she heard curious noises, so I lay with her in the daybed trying to help her sleep with my presence.

My daughter's room is situated so that she can hear way too much and we determined that it must be Santa so we need to go to sleep. My husband gets everything set up and the old TV in the garage. At 3:00 AM, when I am nearly at the end of my rope and in tears for my sick child and my own lack of sleep, he walks down the hall with a little blue pill, a OTC sinus medication that he says will help her sleep...I am not a violent person but at that moment I wanted to punch him in the face. Three hours since midnight, I have been staying up with my daughter while she suffered with coughing and difficulty breathing; NOW he brings something to help her sleep. He said he forgot he had them. We try not to use synthetic drugs, but he keeps some with him to use sparingly with his traveling and working in dusty environments. I agree there is a time that they are beneficial and, in this case, that would have been hours before he looked for them. Child was sleeping soundly in fifteen minutes and parents were out five minutes later.

Christmas morning was a late start, a very late start although I got up early to feed the furry ones and drizzle icing on the cranberry breakfast cake. All morning, though, I felt like something was missing, because we would not be going to church, I suppose. The Princess did not want to get out of bed, not typical ten year old behavior with presents waiting to be unwrapped, even with little sleep. She was obviously not her energetic self and she did not play with the Wii. We watched A Christmas Story DVD, a present to my husband to replace the one we used to have; we lost it letting someone borrow it, we think. The Blu Ray player enhances to near HD quality so the colors, details, and even the sound was just amazing. Yes, a very big difference! It is like when we went from a black and white TV with two snowy stations to color TV with cable, but in a 21st century way. We watched Avatar on it too—WOW!

Oh, and we found out that our Netflix-ready TV would work if we had a faster wireless router, so my husband went out this morning to get one. With electronics, it is never just this one thing and it all will work—never! Thankfully, some gift cards should cover the bulk of that cost and with that new router I will be able to move some things off my computer onto an external hard drive that I will access easily when home. My computer has been starting to have some problems because of hard drive space.

My husband is leaving early for the airport tomorrow morning, but he still got the new router in and working. He set up all the computers and the TV, which he did not think he would have time to do. The Princess and I watched a show streamed through Netflix and it worked quite well! Still, I wish she felt better and could play the Wii too.

Blue Note or Blue Screen Christmas?
My dilemma is my child is still sick so the latter is too fresh for me to be objective, so I am not so sure which one is worse. That is why I am asking you: Which Christmas do you think was the worse one, Blue Note or Blue Screen?

My Lord, thank you for the good and the bad years. One cannot be appreciated as well without the other. Please heal my daughter.

Princess has a Christmas Eve Cold

The giving of gifts is not something man invented. God started the giving spree when he gave a gift beyond words, the unspeakable gift of His Son. ~Robert Flatt

Christmas Eve service is at 4:30 pm tonight, but we will not be there. The Princess has a cold with a slight fever and is lying on the couch alternately coughing, sneezing, and sniffling. She has been working for weeks on the song "Still, Still, Still" to play for the Christmas service tomorrow and I am not sure she will be able to go and even more concerned about her performing it well if she did. Of course, everyone there would be happy for her to play it after Christmas as well since it is such a lovely lullaby type of song.

I was looking forward to our church services this evening and tomorrow. We planned our entire Christmas around it. Today we are making our Christmas dinner, which we planned to eat around 2:30 PM. I froze the apple pies I made this week to bake one later today. My husband put the turkey in a brine overnight and it is now on the grill. I made the best sweet potato casserole I have ever made...not too sweet with pears and pecans in it. I never measure; it is a go-by-taste kind of thing.

Last night my husband and I wrapped presents until 2:00 AM and the Princess and I finished her daddy's this morning when he was out finding a replacement for our broken temperature probe that he uses for the turkey and I for my yogurt. We are ready...almost.

Tonight we will be up late again. We will be removing our twenty-some year old TV and replacing it with a cherry wood console and a modest flat, wide screen, HD TV. We will be adding our new Wii and DVD/Blue Ray Player. The TV, Wii, and Player are all Netflix ready and as of last night we have Netflix too. I tried it on my computer and was very happy with the selection and the definition. We hope to connect everything while my little Princess sleeps and have it all in place in the morning as if Santa brought it.

Yes, she still believes or, at least, she likes to pretend she does, it is hard to tell. She has a close friend, who is also homeschooled, but their family do not have anything to do with magic or Santa, so I think the Princess is just playing along with us at this point. Still, she wrote Santa three letters, one about what she would like, and then one for my husband and another for me. She asks for things she thought we would like, which was sweet, but not necessarily what we desired.

Anyway, the plan was she would see the new entertainment center first thing in the morning and we would go on to church--we are having a real birthday party for Jesus with cake, ice cream and games instead of a service!--then opening presents afterward, but that may all be different now. I almost wish we had it set up today so she could watch some new things while she is lying to rest and heal, but we have done without this sort of thing so long and she can watch DVDs. She did watch a few yesterday and this morning, but has chosen not to for now.

I am torn about the TV thing, though. We have been without TV service for about eighteen months and now we spent all this money for one. However, I do like watching what we wish to see on demand without commercials and we are running out of options with the DVDs we have. We also went for the Netflix DVD option. This service is so much cheaper than a regular TV service. Still, I am hoping we use it wisely.

This evening we will read the story of the Christ child’s birth. Then we will open vials of frankincense and myrrh oil essences to smell them before placing them in the Nativity set under the tree at the front, before the presents. This is a set I hand painted years ago. For gold, we use a gold plated bracelet. We do this to remind us that Christmas is in celebration of the birth of our Savior and that we only reason we give and receive presents to each other is because He was given these gifts.

I think it has helped my daughter to place more importance on the Gift more than the gifts and it has worked well for she has asked for very little in the form of presents all of her young life. The Princess decided to place a red sign on our front door under the wreath. It reads: We may have very few presents under the tree but the one in the manger is bigger than all the presents in the world combined.

~ My Lord, help us to give gifts with a loving heart and to use our gifts wisely and to always be thankful for the Gift you have given us. Please heal my daughter so she can attend church service on Christmas Day. ~

40 Years Ago and Now

Christmas is the keeping-place for memories of our innocence.
~Joan Mills

I love Christmas time, but I also do not like what Christmas has become. My husband and I often talk about how much the world has changed within our lifetime and have sorrows for our daughter, for the world she has been born into. It is so very different. She cannot have the world as we did as children.

Was it that we were so innocent? It was difficult for me to be innocent with an abusive father, who used manipulation and lies so regularly, but the world itself...I guess, in a way, I might have been sheltered from it. When I was ten, the age of the Princess, we did not have home computers and the Internet. Many phones were still on party lines and we did not have one. Some of the more fortunate people had color TV, but we had black and white. What did that matter, because there were few shows and only two stations that came in clear enough to watch at all.

It is so different now.

So many choices.

So much information.

So little personal interaction.

So much fear of people.

I knew our neighbors when I was ten. I did not know the term "community" but I lived it. We did not fear the world. Children were still encouraged to be polite when talking to strangers, instead being told not to talk to them or to run away from them.

Oh, I remember hearing about threats of war and fear of missiles and communism, but that was adult talk. The news may have been biased as it is now and I was unaware, but it seemed to me that mostly reporters just reported the news, but much of it then sheltered us in a way. I do not remember the words "rape" or "sex abuse" or details of a violent murder given on a newscast, certainly not like they are now. I supposed some would say there was more censorship, but I always felt it was out of respect for the family and friends that such details were not broadcasted. The news is not something I like for my daughter to hear in this day in age.

Christmas time is when I tend to remember the best things of my childhood and there were some good things even in my troubled home. Some of it was the presents, but what I remember most is that one special thing I wished for and making cookies with my mother. She and I had a difficult relationship, but I do remember making cookies with her.

I have shifted away from the "things" of Christmas. In fact, now the commercialism of it sickens me and even more so the secularism.

We cannot have Nativity scenes on public property without lawsuits.

We cannot call them "Christmas" trees because it offends someone.

I have nothing against saying "Happy Holidays" because "Merry Christmas" also sounds...well, I guess it sounds superficial to me, but it is the traditional good sentiment.

I do still like picking out a tree, decorating it, and having it light up my living room even though I know its pagan beginnings; God made the tree first. I still like setting up our Nativity sets of which we do have many, even a half-size one outside that you would expect to see displayed at a large church--my husband's present to himself to make his stand against wiping out Christianity from Christmas. I still like making cookies and candies to give away to our families, church family, and the few neighbors we do know. I still like having a few presents under the tree for my daughter, just for her, and a present or two for the family.

I am just so very thankful that we chose to turn off our TV service. I do not miss it at all now.

I am thankful that we have connected more with neighbors and our community.

I am thankful for the Internet and computers. I think we use them responsibly for the most part. My daughter has an email pen-pal that she met this summer at the Cave Spring Fishing Rodeo and they write to each other often. She also writes to her grandmother often. She does not even know how to surf the Internet, but I bookmarked safe websites for her. She has only a few computer games and plays them seldom.

Our Christmas has been downsized these past few years and I am glad for it.

I am also very glad that Christmas falls on Sunday this year. We are having a come-as-you-are casual, relaxed, family-oriented, home church style Christmas service. Our pastor wrote that he is coming in jeans, which if you knew him, you would realize how much that is just not like him. He wears suits and stepped down to wear a polo top with a casual slack and large cross necklace just recently. My daughter is thinking she would like to go in her pajamas, but I told her that I think we will have plenty of time to change clothes, but then she does have a very nice flannel red and green plaid gown....

We are holding off opening presents until after church. Actually, I wish that there was a church service on every Christmas day. I know that it cuts into family time, but I think it helps bring focus to what it really is all about. We have traditions on Christmas eve to remind us here in our home, but I am really looking forward to worshiping with my church family as a family. Perhaps that is because we have no family around? No...it is more than that. I want a piece of what I had as a child and some pieces I did not have. My father was against anything to do with church, but we as children did go to one now and then. I always liked it.

I want every Christmas to be a good memory for my daughter and this one in particular because she is emerging from childhood and beginning that awkward bloom into being a young lady. I know that one day, like me, she will wish she could recapture that which she would readily discard now in her struggle to adulthood. I know that our customs and traditions will influence her on the decisions she will make for her own family. I know that she will one day reflect on her childhood memories of this Christmas and I hope she remembers that we placed our worship of our Lord first, and the gathering with friends and family second, the joy for baking and giving third, and the most important present we receive is a symbolism of the gifts Christ received.

~ My Lord, I get caught every year in the hurry-worry of what Christmas has become. I tell myself it will be different next year and each year is a bit different, not always as I hoped. I wonder, my Lord, have I done in a way that pleases You? I feel pulled further away in the preparation and all the activities when I think I should feel closer to You instead. Help me to give my daughter the memories and pass on traditions that are pleasing to You and that she will hold close to her heart to pass on to her children and they to theirs. ~

Oh, Fudge!

I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter!
~Author Unknown

My husband's all time favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story. It must be a guy-thing. I think its only rival is It's a Wonderful Life, which obviously has a much better message. However, my topic today is fudge, the real stuff that melts in your mouth with sweet flavors.

There are really easy ways, even foolproof ways, to make creamy fudge in these modern times. I do not use them. No, I am compelled to do it the old fashion way or perhaps I am just entrapped by my illogical need for complexities. Then, the two candy thermometers I have are not that helpful. I calibrate them by boiling water and one reads 4 degrees lower than it should be and the other 10 degrees lower, but that is at the boiling point and I suspect that I cannot rely on that at the higher temperatures so when I think the temperature is close, I still do my soft ball test the old fashion way also.

I have to tell you that I rarely have a batch of fudge turn out perfectly the first time and that could be in part because I only make fudge at this time of the year. Fortunately, I found out that by adding a tablespoon or two of milk fudge can be reheated to the soft ball stage again whether it is grainy, not setting, or it seized before it was poured in the pan and then cooled to 110 degrees (for me that is 120) and then beat until it just begins to lose its gloss. Do not hesitate at this point to pour in into a prepared pan, as I tend to do thinking it really has not lost its gloss enough...rolling my eyes! I have been making fudge for over thirty years; you would think I would learn by now.

Go ahead and laugh, because when I finally get it, it is soooo right. It makes the process of redoing it worth while.

I think God must see us in that way. We can appeared completely ruined, but God has the mastery to take where we are and start the process over again until we are just the way He wanted.... Hmm, I am not so sure we ever reach that point actually, but at least we have the potential to do so.

~ My Lord, may my fudge turn out well...this time, please. I really need to get to bed soon. ~

She Dreamed of a White Christmas

I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. ~Charles Dickens

After gifts had been unwrapped and during a phone call to the Princess made to her grandmother, it began to snow very lightly. It would snow more heavily and all the rest of the day, something not that common in Georgia. The temperatures were above freezing, but cold enough to allow much of it to stick and the mercury would drop well below freezing line in the evening. We all are thankful for our new slippers from Santa Claus, although my daughter now says she knows he is not real, but she chooses to believe in him!

Christmas Eve, my husband woke our daughter very early and took her out on property we leased for hunting and camping. Later they also went together to deliver presents she had bought herself to her friends in the neighborhood. We prepared for services that evening and worshiped with three other families. Nearly everyone contributed something to the service itself as our pastor was away visiting his children and grandchildren. The poor Princess was not in bed until 11:00 PM. Now typically, she can still be awake at that time, but not when she wakes up so early and has such a full day.

We were already awake and just waiting for her, when the Princess joined us in bed on Christmas morning. She was eager to start the day with feeding rabbits, the daily cleaning of the hamster cage and cat box, and even eating breakfast. The night before my husband and I made our traditional cranberry breakfast cake, but this time I tried a different recipe and I used more cranberry sauce than it suggested. This one was not as sweet as the ones in the past. I usually like sweeter foods and my husband does not, but this one we both liked very much as there were plenty of sweeter sweets for later in the day. I have already considered how it might be improved upon.

It was a good Christmas. The Princess received things she actually would use and that part pleased me very much. These were not excessive additions that would add to the clogging collections of stuff in her room. She did get one game called Herd Your Horses from her grandmother (although we were given money to choose the gifts ourselves) that we played together today...after she began making thank you notes and after she played outside in the snow, which should last another day before the temperature rises high enough to melt it away completely.

The church board, what few members were not away, were called Christmas evening agreeing to cancel morning services for today because the roads might be slick and our guest pastor could not make it in, being from part of the state further north and icy. I was relieved as the two people who take turns leading in our praise time were away and I had been asked to do it. It is not my strongest gift to lead in singing, but my husband and I are known to fill in as the need arises, so I was willing...and knowing there would only be a few people there helped also.

The one thing that surprised me about Christmas this year was how perfect it seemed to be.

• It was not just the snow, although that was a fine addition pleasing the Princess very much and she was out in it with her brand new pink leopard print rubber boots!
• It certainly was not that our TV service was again on, although it was nice that my husband was able to watch his favorite Christmas movie "A Christmas Story" about Ralphie's desire for a Red Ryder BB Gun since we cannot find the DVD we know we had.
• It was not that I had a brand new Charles Wysoki jigsaw puzzle that I spread out on the dining room table on a special felt so I could roll it up and move it when necessary to prepare a meal.
• It was not that we planned a simple meal:

hickory smoked turkey out on our grill after the turkey had been soaking in a brine all night in the cold on our deck (and was the tenderest and juiciest my husband ever has done);

my Baked Sweet 3-P's of sweet potatoes with pears and pecans that also is not very sweet;

King Hawaiian rolls this time instead of my sourdough bread, mostly because I did not realized there were not any left in the freezer;

a fresh, spring greens salad with sourdough croutons (instead of my more tradition holiday cole slaw this time);

and my husband's homemade whole cranberry sauce.

• It was not just that my concerns about my husband's mother being alone for the first time this Christmas or about my brother and sisters, who do not even send cards, I put aside to enjoy precious moments with the ones who are closest to me.

It simply was I chose to see the good in everything and not allow myself to build up internal pressures. That and the people dearest to me, my husband and my daughter, were also happy. The Princess never seems to be disappointed in any gift she receives nor focuses on the things she does not get. I have had some very good Christmases, but I have to say that this Christmas for me was the best one ever and I really would like to have that feeling every day so....

I am thinking that I might just make a New Year's Resolution...yes, I just might. It is something I rarely do! I might make one about finding at least one thing each day is enjoyable about life and to let go of those things that drag my attitude down, as I am seeing I may have been passing on some undesirable traits to my daughter unintentionally. I will pray about them and trust God with them and not allow myself to be concerned about that which what I have entrusted Him. I also might make a resolution to try to find one thing each day to do to make someone else have enjoyment, even if it—no, especially if it requires that I make a sacrifice of sorts from what I want. Maybe I will be a better person, a happier person. Maybe God has been trying to get me to see this. May be this was His special gift to me this Christmas. Maybe...it came along with the snow.

~ My Lord, in the last few months I have become keenly aware of how unhappy I am and how I seem to be waiting on something before I will be happy, but that something really comes from within myself. It is a gift You have already given, but that I have not really opened up and used. Let this not be something that I take out and put on a shelf to look upon and dust off once in awhile, but something I use daily. Thank you, my Lord, for the gift and thank you for making it obvious to me how much I need it. ~

Christmas Day

This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. ~Luke 2:12

Have you found Him?

~ Thank you, my Lord, for this precious gift. For this precious gift to the world, a little innocent baby that would remain sinless all his life, and yet would bear all my sins, every sin of everyone everywhere, be tortured, ridiculed, and sacrificed. ~

Advent Day 24

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. ~Roy L. Smith

The Christmas Pickle

Reading: In the Victorian Christmas tradition, the pickle was always the last ornament placed on the tree and was put there after the children were in bed. Whoever found the pickle in the morning got a special surprise!!

I have to admit that I do not see the attraction for this one. I like pickles, but in my Christmas tree...?

Today is Christmas Eve. Today our camera will be charged in preparation. This day we take extra care in cleaning places where our animals are kept, a tradition from my aunt, who had stables for horses and goats and barn cats. Tonight, we shall go to church service. When return home, we will place a bottles with frankincense and myrrh essences and some gold jewelry before the baby Jesus in our nativity set under the Christmas tree while we talk about how these things were used and their significance. Both religious and whimsical stories shall be read. Handmade cross-stitched stockings shall be hung. Homemade cookies and cold milk shall be placed out for Santa with carrots for the reindeer. We shall open the last advent door and have our last reading. Then it will be off to bed. Prayers shall be said and we shall try to sleep.

It is a meager Christmas, but still one with enough presents and surprises to please the Princess...actually she is very easy to please and that part pleases me the most. She wrote several letters to Santa, but she only asked for slippers, not just for herself, but for her father and me also. She is very generous like that. I believe her wishes shall be granted. I told her she could also ask for a game or toy, but she did not have a particular one in mind. No matter, Santa seems to know what she would like best.

~ Thank you, my Lord, for Christmas. Even though my daughter is excited about the presents, we have tried to help her keep focused on the true meaning of the coming day. May she remember our traditions and desire to honor You. ~

Advent Day 23

At Christmas I no more desire a rose - Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth; But like of each thing that in season grows. ~William Shakespeare

Rose

Reading: On the night Jesus was born, a young girl watched as the Three Wise Men presented gifts to the Baby Jesus. She wanted to give flowers to the baby, but the winter had been harsh and there were no flowers to be found. An angel saw her tears and brushed the snow aside and to the little girl's surprise there appeared a burgundy rose. As she laid the rose beside the manager, the glorious bloom brought a smile to the Holy Child's face.

The Christmas Rose does not look like the type of rose most people think about, however it is still a thing of beauty in its season.

I have been thinking quite a bit about seasons of late. I watched the Princess play "What Child is This" on the piano and I am in awe of how easily her hands move upon the keyboard, so graceful without flare but with purpose. When she began at four years old, she played with only one hand and could not touch the floor while sitting on the bench. Now here she is nearing the age of ten...a decade! She is capable of so much and not yet ready for so much more, and I have aged a decade caring for her, teaching her, and at times just watching her slowly flower into the young woman she will become in the next decade.

~ My Lord, everything has its season, so help me to appreciate each one fully, because not one season lasts forever. ~

Mary's Dream

Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity. ~Don Cupitt

For our Christmas Eve service I was asked to read the following and I thought I might share with you. I (being me) decided that reading it was not enough. Remember that I like to make things complicated? As soon as I read it, I envisioned it memorized and acted out, so I am working on it. I guess I just cannot do anything the simple way.

I had a dream, Joseph, I don't understand it, not really, but I think it was about a birthday celebration for our Son. I think that was what it was all about. The people had been preparing for it for about six weeks. They had decorated the house and bought new clothes. They'd gone shopping many times and bought elaborate gifts. It was peculiar, though, because the presents weren't for our Son.

They wrapped them in beautiful paper and tied them with lovely bows and stacked them under a tree. Yes, a tree, Joseph, right in their house. They'd decorated the tree also. The branches were full of glowing balls and sparkling ornaments. There was a figure on the top of the tree. It looked like an angel might look. Oh, it was beautiful.

Everyone was laughing and happy. They were all excited about the gifts. They gave the gifts to each other, Joseph, not to our Son. I don't think they even knew Him. They never mentioned His name. Doesn't it seem odd for people to go to all that trouble to celebrate someone's birthday if they don't know Him?

I had the strangest feeling that if our Son had gone to this celebration He would have been intruding. Everything was so beautiful, Joseph, and everyone so full of cheer, but it made me want to cry. How sad for Jesus -not to be wanted at His own birthday celebration.

I'm glad it was only a dream. How terrible, Joseph, if it had been real.

~ It is terrible, my Lord, that it is real. ~

Advent Day 22

That quest for something pretty. A cheat. A cliche. Flowers and Christmas lights, it's what we're programmed to love. ~Chuck Palahniuk

Poinsettia

Reading: According to Mexican legend, many, many years ago, a poor child knelt before the baby Jesus in the manager in the center square. She didn't have any money or a gift, so she picked the weeds from below her and placed them at the foot of the manger. Suddenly, the weeds burst into blooms of brilliant red, and all who saw them were certain there witnessed a Christmas miracle.

Being originally from a northern state, I did not realize until I spent some time in Florida that poinsettias can become huge bushes. They are quite lovely, but their bright red coloring is not half appreciated surrounded by greenery in the bleaching sunshine as it is in stark snow-whiteness of winter.

~ My Lord, we were made to appreciate pretty things, things that You created. Thank you for it all. ~

Advent Day 21

The holly and the ivy, when they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood, the holly bears the crown.
Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

The holly bears a blossom as white as lily flower,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ to be our sweet saviour
Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

The holly bears a berry as red as any blood,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ to do poor sinners good.
Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

The holly bears a prickle as sharp as any thorn,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ on Christmas Day in the morn.
Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.

The holly bears a bark as bitter as any gall,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ for to redeem us all.
Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.
~Cecil Sharp

Holly

Reading: According to tradition, holly was used to make the crown of thorns on Christ's head. At one time, the berries were white, but they were stained red by the blood of Christ. Today we display holly because of pointy leaves symbolizing Christ's crown and the red berries of the blood shed for our salvation.



This is one of my favorite Christmas carols and this choir does it so well!

~ My Lord, thank you for the beauty of this earth, the talent to write of it, and the voices to sing. ~

Advent Day 20

I'll be home for Christmas;
You can count on me.
Please, have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree.
~ Buck Ram, Kim Gannon, and Walter Kent

Mistletoe

Reading: The ancient Druids regarded the mistletoe as sacred and magical and made sure that it never touched the ground. They believed that the green leaves and white berries brought love and good luck into their homes. They also believed that because of its magical powers, anyone standing under the mistletoe must be kissed of the mistletoe would lose its powers, and the person would be unlucky in love during the coming year.

I could write more about the legends and ritual uses of mistletoe, about how the plant itself grows—interesting as it is a hemiparasite in nature often found growing in trees—and of its medicinal qualities, even as a cancer treatment! However, right now I am thinking of that kissing thing. I have been talking to my daughter over the years about how kissing should be something done with only her husband. She has seen so much kissing on TV and since our service is coming back on, I am thinking so these conversations will again commence. (Right now, we are considering turning the TV service off for good after the holidays and looking at Netflix as a thrifty and parent-controlled alternative.)

I remember we used to watch reruns of "Seventh Heaven" about a Christian based family, but I felt that the teenage girls making out with different boyfriends nearly in every episode was a rather harmful influence. My husband and I are of the mindset of courting, an old fashion idea perhaps that has been gaining in popularity among conservative Christians. I have heard people say to me "good luck with that" as if it is impossible in this day and age. Probably the same people who think it is impossible for a child not to want the wear the latest skimpy fashions that my Princess finds embarrassing, as she says it. Yes, some children reject and attempt to circumvent their parents rules, but there are some who see the wisdom of them and try to obey.

As to the excuse for embarrassing people to kiss that we call mistletoe, it's just not for my daughter. It is a tradition we can do without.

~ My Lord, some traditions seem innocent and yet undermine Your teachings on purity. Please help us desire traditions that honor and please You more than those that please our peers. ~

Advent Day 19

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. ~Psalm 55:6

Dove

Reading: In ancient times, it was believed that when Christ comes down from the heavens, he takes the shape of a dove. To this day, the Dove symbolizes the Holy Spirit.

Most everyone sees the dove as a symbol of peace and Christians also see it as the symbol for the Holy Spirit. We have a dove ornament for our Christmas tree. It is one of the Princess' favorites that she wants to place on it herself, because it requires finding just the right grouping of branches for it to rest upon. Resting is one thing I look forward to at Christmas time and much of it is not that restful, but holidays are breaks from the ordinary routines and it is obvious to me that God thought such things were good for us, else He would not have commanded us to take one day out of the week to devote to resting and worshiping Him.

~ My Lord, thank you for each moment of peace and the invitation to rest in You. ~

Advent Day 18

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. ~Richard Bach

Butterfly

Reading: Just like the butterfly comes out of its cocoon, Christ was resurrected from the tomb. We view Christ like the butterfly that goes into the cocoon as a caterpillar and comes out a beautiful butterfly.

I have wondered a time or two if changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly is a painful process. Basically, you are a hungry worm eating anything to which you can crawl, then you have this urgency to hide yourself away, and then one day you have colorful wings and you just know you can fly. It boggles my mind how all that is purely instinct.

~ His death must have seemed like the end of the world to the people who walked with Jesus, but my Lord, You had a much grander plan and purpose. Help me to keep the promise of Your plans and purpose always in my heart, so that hardships are seen only as a season of change. ~

Advent Day 17

Be like the bird that, pausing in her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings. ~Victor Hugo

Cardinal

Reading: On the eve of the birth of the baby Jesus, a plain brown bird was watching from her nest in the stable. During the night, the stable was very cold, and Mary and Joseph were worried for their newborn baby. Joseph lit a small fire, but it was not enough to keep the baby warm. The bird flew down to the fire and flapped his wings to fan the fire all night long. His feathers became very hot and turned a brilliant shade of red and have been red ever since to show his dedication and love.

I wrote this out just as it was on the card, so if you are wondering how the bird changed genders within this story, you are not the only one! My daughter is quite familiar with female cardinals not being as brightly colored as their male counterparts, so the bird had to be a male. Why they began the story with a female bird was probably because we would associate females as being on the nest and having motherly instincts. I read it as it is because this little error is remembered when from one Christmas to the next. It is one of our traditions to point it out.

~ My Lord, even our errors can become a tradition, if only to remind ourselves we are not perfect as You are. ~