Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good. ~John Milton
Perhaps, I should say that it is casual relationships that I have to work at the hardest. I very much like people, but in general I find them draining much of the time. I do not do well with shallow conversations that always include talking about the weather unless the weather is doing something quite extraordinary or caused plans to be altered. Although I like to hear about what others are doing, I am not one to enjoy a this-is-what-I-did-today list all the time. It is difficult for me to feel comfort with anyone until I know how the person feels and the purposes for the things being done. That is when I feel connected.
Unfortunately, not everyone is wired the same way as I am. Some people feel far more comfortable just talking about the stuff they are doing or the weather or what their neighbors are doing. Even though I find such relationships unfulfilling, I remind myself that their needs are being fulfilled.
I had such with my mother for the last years of her life and it was difficult to maintain a surface relationship like that for me, but I was glad that it made her happy. We only talked about what she wanted to talk about; we had problems if I brought up any subjects of my own free will. She would only answer questions she wanted to answer; she expected me to answer all of hers, though. She expected me to be interested in her, but she would only allow me to share my life in answer to her questions. Basically, she controlled the conversations and there were times that I only said about five sentences during an hour phone conversation—she would then praise those as the best conversations we ever had to other family members! I worked hard at putting my desires aside to make her comfortable and happy with this. To me, it seemed to be an illusion, but that was exactly what she wanted: the illusion that we had a close relationship without her having to work at having a real one.
My problem is when I have these types of relationships overwhelming the ones that I need, because I end up burning out good friends, basically dumping on them because I have been holding back with others. I am usually not one to have many friends...in part, I guess I am rather particular and rather peculiar in my particulars, for lack of a better term. I like friends who challenge me in some way, who I look up to and respect, those who give me something without knowing they gave me anything just because they are who they are.
I was never the popular girl and often sat with the loneliest looking person I could find...I still do that. They are the ones who usually tell you how they feel. I find it incredibly sad that I can connect with a stranger more in a few minutes than I could with my own mother in years.
Which brings me back to the Princess, I want a good relationship with her. Not just for now, but a good one when she is grown up. I want to be included in her life, family to her husband, and involved with her children. I want us to have special days when we sit together having tea and I listen to her feelings and I know the purposes behind her choices. I do not want our relationship to be an illusion we try to maintain. I know that she will make choices that would differ from mine. I know her husband will be a greater influence on her life then. I know our relationship will change, but I want to be available to her and I am hoping she will be one of the best friends I ever had.
In my last post, I mentioned that I might make a new year's resolution and this is my purpose behind that decision. This is how I feel about it. Are you feeling just a little connection here?
~ My Lord, relationships are so complicated and yet could be so simple. Help me to keep mine simple in fulfilling my needs and yet make others feel comfortable. Thank you for good friends, who forgive me when I dump on them. ~
