My Peniel

Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak...(and) he said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." And he blessed him there. So Jacob named the place Peniel, for he said, "I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been preserved." ~Genesis 32:24-30 (Abridged)

This morning my Lord and I had a little talk. I have been talking often to my Lord, but I have not really been listening to Him even though I thought I wanted to be, because if I had really wanted to listen to Him, I do not think I would not have spent the last three months being so unhappy.

You see, I had this immense expectation...seems like things always get messed up when I have an big expectation on anyone else but myself. I had this expectation on my Lord. It started like this: if fast for You for forty days then... or when I delivered the messages You gave me then.... Yes, I wanted something in return. That in itself was not bad, because my Lord had made some promises to me, not in exchange for doing what He asked, perhaps not even in reward for it, but just because He loves me. Oh, but that was not enough for me, I wanted to be rewarded...now! I dared to wrestled with Him!

This morning, I woke up feeling defeated again. Where are You, my Lord? Why cannot I hear You? Why cannot I feel You? Why do I feel I am trying to survive on my own outside of Your Kingdom?

Then I simply asked my Lord to help me come to Him, to be in His presence, because I feel I have lost the way. As if all the world had changed in an instance, I was just there in His Kingdom. I felt His love, His acceptance, His waiting.... I realized that I became demanding, argumentative, complaining, and just flat out frustrated with my Lord. I struggled with trusting Him on the deliverance of His promises. I became the very things that I do not like to see in my own daughter. I had to honestly say I was just being bratty! And I apologized to Him for all of it.

Joy is bubbling up inside of me. Peace is all around me. All the time it had been there waiting for me...in His Kingdom.

I felt compelled to write this. Perhaps someone will be stumbling in on my blog who needs to read this and have a little talk with God.

~ My Lord, I am a foolish woman to think I can wrestle with You. Please forgive me of my childishness and help me stay with You always child-like in faith. ~